The How to Write Your Autobiography Expertease

Welcome, welcome to all who are welcome to the Expertise and Knowledge podcast. Our audience tonight is made up of folks who have lived a life and have stories to tell. And Danno Sullivan, since you are an expert in the art of autobiographies, I thought we could probe your area of expertise. You're listening to Expertise, spelled wrong, the podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Each podcasode of Expertise brings you the recognized expert in the field, whatever the field happens to be, and whether or not that expert actually knows anything about it.

When it comes to oddly specific expertises you probably never thought you needed to know more about, we're the experts. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you for requesting this guest, Mr. Danno Sullivan. We have had so many people asking about the art of autobiography because you know, everybody has a story to tell. Everybody dreams of writing out their life story in a novel form. And we have so many listener questions, but first, hello. Chapter one, I am welcomed to the podcast. Whether or not I shall turn out to be the hero of this podcast episode remains yet to be seen.

I turned quietly to my hostess, a Miss Claire Sarah, who turned to me and welcomed me with a most audacious welcome, already uttered. Oh, oh my goodness. Look at that. You turned something that had happened, which we would say is a piece of history, my introduction of you, and you put it into written form. Although you spoke it, I guess it was more like of an audible experience that we just had. Chapter two, in which I explain how I was able to speak all the words of a chapter that apparently had not yet been written. Danno, this is so fascinating. I'm sorry.

Just so great. And I mean, already for our listeners, we've learned words like chapter and author. Yes, that's exactly what we're looking for. My first book was blank, Claire, blank pages, 300 blank pages. And many people called that my first autobiography because I was so dull, so dull as a young writer. Oh, so what I chose to do, Claire, was to write just a spellbinding autobiography, just chock full of adventure, seagoing, monsters. Right. You're talking about your book, President Sinbad, the Dan O'Sullivan story. That's exactly right. The autobiography of Dan O'Sullivan.

Where you become president of the United States by fighting monsters. I felt like I needed to make this autobiography as exciting, as thrilling. I wanted people to love me by loving the autobiography. I preferred not to do any research at all for my autobiographies. I rely on my memory and my reverse memory, which is to say things that I remember happening in the future. You have written over 60 autobiographies of your one life. Yes, yes. Each in a different thrilling sub-genre. So, for example, my jungle autobiography. Ah, that's the most exciting life I've ever lived, Claire.

I mean, did you really wrestle a bonobo to the ground and steal it? Of course I did. Here, hold, please. Uh, chapter seven, in which I wrestle a bonobo to the ground. I turn to my jungle mate, Sashwa, who turned to me with lust in her eyes and love in her loins. Together, we wrestled the bonobo and together the bonobo wrestled us. That's as far as I want to go, if you don't mind, on the podcast. We try to keep it sort of family oriented. Sure. Well, that's only chapter seven and it's a 30 chapter. Yes, about what followed with you and Sashwa and the bonobo, which really, I mean, that book has been banned in four countries.

It has been bonoboed. You yourself have admitted in court that you never traveled to the jungle and there is no person called Sashwa. I did not realize that you'd be bringing up the court case today. I thought we were here to talk about my books. You wrote a book? But fortunately, I wrote a book about it. My court case autobiography, chapter seven, in which I deny the existence of Sashwa, my jungle wife, only to reveal the existence of my court wife, attorney, Lisa Pressman, whose pencil skirt and well manicured nails spoke to me of love over the legal pleading pads.

Okay. I, if you don't mind, I'm going to stop. She turned to me with a bonobo. I'm sorry, what? I would be remiss if I didn't bring up that there are a lot of accusations that you are just a dirty old pulp fiction writer. And I'm only saying that because, of course, there was the famous accusation brought against you when you were you were invited on Oprah. Claire, may I read to you from my daytime TV autobiography? Yes, please. And I have it here. So please stick to the facts. Well, perhaps you'd like to read from chapter seven, My Love Twist with Oprah Winfrey.

No, I am not going to read that. I'm not going to read that. Chapter eight, My Love Twist with Judge Judy, the daytime vixen of the court. No, that has been asked and answered. Chapter 10, then. No. The hostess of Let's Make a Deal and I on our trip to Reno. Nobody wants to know what you did with Wayne Brady and Jonathan Mangum on that Let's Make a Deal sponsored cruise. Oh, chapter 11. Yes. You all went chapter 11 after that extravaganza. I did feel a little guilty about that. Look, there is nothing wrong with being a fiction writer. I just, I'm not sure why you wouldn't embrace it.

It is different than being an autobiographer, but is it any less noble? I'm not sure. I mean, are your books less noble? Yes. But is the profession less noble? May I ask you a question? You may. When you use the term fiction author, what exactly do you mean? I mean, somebody who pens stories that are made up out of whole cloth. Things from a person's imagination? Exactly. Where somebody, the thing itself has not happened. The characters within it are not real, but it's just a whim of fancy put down on paper. Whim of fancy. I'm a little embarrassed to say this, Claire.

I think I may be what you call a fiction author. Well, yeah. Now, is there a market for what you're calling these works of fiction? I believe, Daniel, that it's one of the biggest markets in book writing and in book sales. Let's say that I wrote a mystery story about a murder that never happened. Or perhaps, let's say a romance with Oprah Winfrey that never happened. You're saying that these could be fiction books that people would buy. If they never happened, they're fiction books. But I mean, all of this is very, I hope my listeners are taking notes today, my autobiographer wannabes, because there are lessons to be learned from the wrong way to go about things.

I think I've learned that lesson here today, Claire. When I came on a podcast to talk about my autobiographies, well, if I may, I'll just read from Chapter 7, the podcast autobiography, Chapter 7, in which I learn a sad but noble truth about myself. When I began the podcast that day, I did think of myself as a noble beast, like the Bonobo of the forest. And yet there was something about my interlocutrix that drew out a passion from within me, an understanding of myself that I had never yet imagined. And by the end of that 10, 11, nay, 12 minutes of conversation on that very podcast, it was a new me.

There was a development of character. And I knew that the autobiographer that I once had been was no more. Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. I hope that this has been a knowledge-filled podcast. Get out there and live your story.