Clare Sera, our audience tonight is made up of true crime buffs, and that's your Best Quartete. Clare Sera, you are an expert in the Barbershop Quartet Murders, a mystery case that has intrigued the true crime world since those horrible deaths of 2010. Let's dive in deep, shall we? Spelldrong? Naturally. You're listening to Expertise, Spelldrong, the podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Expert comedy writer Clare Sera and expert comedy writer Danno Sullivan bring their expertise to other, unrelated expertises.
Danno, I cannot tell you how relieved as well as excited I was to be called to your podcast to shed some light on the hairy murders of the Barbershop Quartet of 2010-2011, because they've been ignored. The world has ignored this as a prime case. I think the only thing the world has ignored more than the mysterious Barbershop Quartet Murders is Barbershop Quartets in general. Quartetting, as we call it, is an art form that is joyful, harmonious, and admittedly annoying to a lot of people. As a man, Clare, as someone who frequents barbershops for haircuts, I have never found it annoying.
You know, when I sit down for a short back and sides, if four people come by singing, hello my baby, hello my honey, in beautiful four-part harmony, how can I not love that? It's like dinner theater for the scalp. Here's what a lot of folks don't know, Danno. When a Barbershop Quartet surrounds your head as your hairs are being cut, the vibrations that are created from their harmony lift your follicles to the perfect cutting angle. I have sensed that without understanding that. When I've been encircled by the quarteters, I have always walked away with a better haircut.
And now I understand why. It's where the saying, my hair stood on end, comes from. Listeners, your hair will stand on end when you hear the shocking details of the Barbershop Quartet Murders. Clare, interestingly, four individual quarteters were murdered throughout the course of the year 2010. But they were not four members of the same quartet. Were they singers of the same position and various quartets? Was it seemingly random? Oh, it was not random. It was not random, Danno. That I can assure you. And it was a tenor, a bass, a baritone, and an unknown. So these four dead barbershop singers could have gone on to create a quartet of their own.
First of all, we're going to begin with Joe's Barber, Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. This barbershop famous for its fine flattop face. Yeah, you don't have to tell our listeners, Clare. Any true crime podcast follower knows about Coeur d'Alene and everything it represents, not least of which is those fine flattops that Joe provides himself. Now, that's right. I am an intrigued onlooker, not a specialist, not an expert like you. Was Joe himself a member of a barbershop quartet or did he merely provide a place for the singers to rehearse? Joe was controversial because he also sang bass.
It was controversial because then there were only three of the quartet who were officially quartetting because Joe was barbering. Oh, oh, oh. So singing and styling. He was a multi-talented man. His fine vibrato really caused some of the best haircuts Coeur d'Alene has seen. Joe's barbershop was where the tenor went missing. So Marty McFaden was our tenor player. Is there any correlation between the name McFaden and Joe's famous fades? Yes, there is. Marty sported the first famous fade. Is this the first clue into what may have happened? We don't even know who got killed first.
Who was the first murder victim, Clare, here at Coeur d'Alene? Well, I'm saying the tenor, Marty McFaden, was the first to go. So do you sense a little professional jealousy between these two master barbers and master singers? Danno, you have hit the nail on the head. So did Joe do it? Is it as simple as that? Have I solved the crime? I wish that Joe had done it. I really wish that Joe had bloody blood on his hands. But it was, Joe has an alibi. He was with three other singers at the time. Yes. That's the trick. Every one of these murders seems to have occurred with three alibis for every case.
Alibi. Alibi. Well, let's move on from Joe's barbershop for one moment. Just hold that. Marty McFaden, tenor extraordinaire. I'm putting this down on my clue sheet. We're going to swing halfway across the country to Chi-town. Chi-town, Illinois, the land of Lincoln. And linking these cases together is a barbershop on the corner of 14th and Avenue. Down in the district, they called it. You didn't want to go down to the district if you were looking for razzle-dazzle, Rudy Toody barbershopping. Those boys sang old style. They sang old style. They cut old style. They sported old style.
Now, at Rudy Toody barbershop across the street, hell's a-poppin'. Wait, wait, wait. Is hell's a-poppin' a verb in that sentence? At the Rudy Toody barbershop? Yeah. Okay. Yes. Yeah. So, hell was a-poppin' at the Rudy Toody barbershop across the street in the district in Chi-town. I'm starting to piece these together. I think I'm seeing a pattern emerge, Claire. I'm waiting for you to guide me to it. Well, sure. I think that there is some clue to be had to solving the murder of these four cases, only one of whom we've actually heard about so far. Well, let me take you to the third establishment, you know.
You're laying the groundwork for us beautifully. The third establishment, Flagler Beach, Florida. Oh, dear. All right. So, we're spread out. Has anyone put pins in a map and connected them with strings? Because we've gone from Chi-town to Flagler Beach, of all places. And where did we start off at? Coeur d'Alene in Idaho. Yeah. So, I hope someone has connected those with strings, because almost invariably, that will help you solve a case. Well, here's the thing, Dano. I'm going to jump ahead to the fourth place, because we've got the three on the map with the strings.
Okay. The fourth place is a little-known town called Bones, Mississippi. All right. I'm putting in my fourth pin now, Claire. I'm connecting my string, and by God, it makes a perfect square. The four dots of a quartet, one might say. Yes. Wait just a second. Bones, I'm piecing this together, Bones starts with B, B equals baritone, Flagler starts with F, A, B, C, D, E, F is the sixth note of a musical scale, divided by four, which is the number of members of a quartet, gives you two-thirds, which could be, many people consider the tenor of a quartet to be two-thirds as valuable as the other members.
All right. Claire, do you want to jump in and tell me if I'm on the right track? Dano, you veered off slightly, because you got a little ahead of yourself, and that's perfectly fine. That's what true crime nerds, and they say that with a lot of disdain. I guess that's me. You know, your naivete is charming, but what you have not even considered, Dano, is the customers that come in and out of each of those. Right. Any one of them could have had the motive, the opportunity, and the motive and the opportunity. But only one of whom had a car that could drive Route 66 from Coeur d'Alene to Chi-Town, Illinois.
To Bones, Mississippi, and back to Coeur d'Alene. Flagler Beach. Via Coeur d'Alene. Via Coeur d'Alene. Yeah. Because that's what I said. But you missed Flagler. Yeah. That's why I had to go back. Right. I'm drawing it on my map. I can see it. There's a lot of zigzagging. Now, the zigzagging is starting to take on a pattern. Yes. Are you naming this? This gentleman. Then, I'm not naming names. But a customer. His name was Ross McMahon. He first came to Coeur d'Alene to audition for the Quartet. All right. So, now we're getting somewhere. So, this is an outsider who desperately wants to be part of the in crowd.
And what is more in in a barbershop than the Quartet? Now, what do we know about this unnamed McClain? Was that his name? Unnamed McClain. Did he have long hair when he arrived? Oh, yeah. Yeah. He was fresh off the boat from Hairtown. So, perhaps, posing as a customer who needs a haircut, he begins to infiltrate his first Quartet. Could he sing? Oh, yeah. He could sing. And I'll tell you what. I interviewed this fellow myself. He's got his steely, steely cold eyes. You can just sense it. And here's the thing. You mentioned his steely eyes. I am not a detective. I am not a policeman.
I am not a trained law enforcer of any type. I'm a dude on a podcast. But I do know one thing, which is sometimes you don't need facts. Sometimes you don't need evidence. Sometimes you just get a feeling from that cold, steely look in someone's eyes, and you know that's the guy. Dano, that's what came over me and why I made the citizen's arrest that really took my whole life in a terrible, terrible turn. But still, in that moment, I was convinced that unnamed McClain was the man that nobody had been searching for the past 10 years regarding the Barbershop Quartet murders.
Because at this point, nobody had actually been murdered. All we have evidence of so far is somebody driving a car from one barbershop to another in different cities with different lengths of hair at different times. But it is starting to add up. It's starting to feel mysterious. Come on. I mean, I think anybody can see. If you start taking that red string from Coeur d'Alene to Rudy Tudy's in Illinois, to Flagler Beach, to Bones, Mississippi, back to Flagler, up to... You get a red arrow. A red arrow. Oh, I'm seeing it now on my map. And that red arrow is the very kind of near proof that indicates that a murder could have happened.
Is that what you're telling me? I'm telling you that unnamed McClain, who wanted to be a baritone singer in a barbershop quartet... Now, this is well documented. Okay. All right. So now, even though no murder has yet been committed, we still have more clues about a potential murder that could be happening sometime. And because... By clearly a crazed madman driving around. Who drives around the states going to four different barbershops that all have quartets? Claire, we've got to piece all these pieces together. We've got a man traveling the country. Yes. Apparently rubbing out members of a barbershop quartet at each barbershop he visits.
And trying to insert himself into the quartet. Without being noticed. Right. Honestly, I see why the police are baffled. Well, okay. The one thing that I will give the police is that the tenor at Joe's in Idaho did return. So... So he hadn't been murdered. Well, okay. Let's not make too much a big deal of this. Claire, could it be that you're a hanger on in the true crime world? That you're an outsider hoping to work your own way in? To find a coterie of friends in a world that you yourself don't understand, but desperately want to belong to? Could it be that this is not a true crime case at all?
That this is merely a man auditioning for barbershop quartets as he travels around the country, hoping to fulfill his own dream? And you've turned it in to this possibility that it's an unsolved murder? Dano, if you feel safe walking into a barbershop with a barbershop quartet singing with two baritones to get your hair cut, if you feel that you can let your wife and child sleep at night knowing that in your neighborhood there is my clementine being sung discordantly, if you feel that you are safe while that is happening, well, that's on your head. I, as a citizen, cannot rest while a steely-eyed, murder-faced, bald head is traveling the country...
But accused of no crime. As of yet, which is, well, accused by me. Accused by me, Dano. And citizen arrested by you? Citizen arrested and citizen denied. He absolutely resisted arrest. Was there any citizen brutality involved? There was citizen profanity. All right. So after that, obviously, citizen court, what was the citizen verdict? What did the citizen jury have to say? It was a hung jury. Is a citizen's jury, does that require 12 members or is it just you as the citizen's arrester? As long as you have a citizen, you have a jury. So that was a bit, that was a kerfuffle that we had in Bones, where I first caught up with him.
What is your relationship with No Name Like today? Are you still in touch? Is he a free man? Dano, I'm tailing him right now from my car. Oh, I was noticing the static in our connection here. Where are you located, Claire? Or can you not give that away due to secretive purposes? Well, I have my GPS on if you want to open up your computer and just find my friends. I'll make myself available to you. Would you be my friend? I do not need to be your friend. I can use the Maritime Network for this. I am. I'm watching. Oh, oh my gosh. He's pulling up. He is pulling up to a barbershop.
What is his hair status right now, Claire? Clearly, he's got about an inch of growth. So he could go in and ask for a haircut. He could go in and ask for a haircut. He's walking. He's walking in the door. Dano, I just saw him tuck something into his belt. Into his belt? Could it be a magazine to read in the waiting room? Claire, you better get in there. I'm going in undercover. All right, ladies and gentlemen, podcast listeners. I'm putting on my bald wig. Claire entered the barbershop wearing a bald wig, which has been ripped from her head, revealing her glorious locks.
And she's back in the car now. She snatched what turned out to be a copy of Newsweek magazine from No Name McLean. No Name McLean does have a valid subscription to Newsweek, so I have ascertained that. I do have an update. I do have some news. I have an audition for the Clementines, which is the female barbershop quartet that is going to be at the beauty salon next door to this barbershop. We are so proud of you, Claire. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, podcast listeners, Claire and I have been having you on just a little bit. This was all Claire's attempt to get an audition with the Clementines.
She had attempted three or four times in other cities, and finally, it looks like she's been able to make that dream come true. Claire, congratulations. I can't believe it. Thank you so much. Thank you for doing this with me. Thank you for being a part of this. I just want to thank everybody who is listening. I do apologize for some of the profanity. And to our podcast listeners at home, if one of the members of the Clementines should happen to go missing, we'll know who to blame. Claire Zara, you are not an expert in the mysterious barbershop quartet murders because they never happened.
We're all here to support you in your future endeavors. Best of luck to you. And thanks so much for being on the program. Can you sing us out? The Expertise Spelled Wrong podcast is free and like the Amish, all are welcome. Be sure to sign up for our email announcements at funnypodcast.com and follow us in your favorite podcast app, like the expert podcast listener we know you are.
