The Organized Crime Expertease

Clare, the board has communicated with me and asked me to communicate with you a few decisions that have come down. Okay. You and I have both been very lax about clocking in and apparently payment now will hinge upon accurate time cards. I cannot believe that they're bringing this up again because I told the board in no uncertain terms by electronic mail I will not clock in. Are you doing this on some sort of hippie principle? Yes. I'm too hippie to reach the clocking in area. They've put it in such an awkward space when I entered the room. Oh, you can't reach past your own hips? I can't. My hips are at such an angle against the door jam where the clock in board is. I can't get it. I can't get to it.

Clare, that seems like something that Spanx could help with. Is that just me being a dumb man and not understanding the physiology of the situation? Well, they would have to be some industrial strength Spanx. All right. If not Spanx, what about a step ladder, industrial strength step ladder? Well, what am I going to do with my boobs? I beg your pardon? I mean, it's just this clock in device is situated in a corner of the room. When you come in the door, you have to swing around. It makes no kind of, it's not forgiving to a woman's curbs. That's what I'm saying. So, you're saying you got too much to swing around to reach the time clock?

I have tried. I've been stuck in that corner for over 45 minutes at times. How do you know if you haven't timed in? I'm a little worried about this getting out, Clare. They're going to dock that immediately, those 45 minutes. I'm kind of outraged. Can't you make a phone call? You know that the board doesn't operate by phone. It's always hard to get through. You always get the message. Yes. Oh, I've gotten the message. Curvy ladies not welcome. That's the message I got. Do you feel comfortable talking about this sort of thing? I mean, you know that I record all these for just internal use only.

Yes. Okay. I mean, it's okay if it's for internal use. I don't want the board to hear this. I certainly don't want the public hearing this. I imagine the public imagines me as a svelte little stick figure doing a podcast. I know that that's how I imagine you, Clare. Yes. I do operate with my eyes closed while we're recording. I feel like that's the only way for me to be fully accepting of any other person that I'm working with is to not know what they look like in any way. I think that's really enlightened of you. I feel like it's fair for me and fair for the other person or people. There may be multiple people in the room.

I think that's where the term fair view comes from. What does fair view mean? If your eyes are closed, your view of everyone is fair. I do wish that there were a way to muffle the sound of the voices that I hear too. I feel like it's too easy for me to rush to judgment when I hear someone's voice. You know, I could instantly tell, are they speaking English? And then if they're speaking English, what judgment do I apply to that? Dano, it sounds in a sense that you might do well in a hermitage. Yes, with Andrew Jackson. Yes. Didn't he live in the hermitage?

I believe that was a taj. I was talking about a tij. Claire, I think I would do well as a hermit. Most people shock, offend, or appall me. But I would fear that living alone in some sort of a hermitage, that I wouldn't need to live in a hermitage. Let's see how to say this. If my goal is to not judge other people by living alone in a hermitage, there would be no other people to judge. And I think I'd be undercutting my own self-development. Well, that's very enlightened of you to say. You're on your own path. Now, you're speaking English now, aren't you? I am speaking English. Now I'm judging you.

Yes, yes. And you know what? That makes me feel better about myself and my own judgment of you, knowing that you are judging me. Somehow, we need like color-coded cards that we hold up. So, when you're going to start judging me, hold up the yellow card that says, judging now, judging now. Yellow card, like in football or soccer. You just, you got a yellow card. All the sports. All the sports. Yeah. What does that signify in soccer? Warning, warning. I'm about to judge you, basically. Okay. You do that one more time, you're getting judged with a red card. Now, sports though have rules, right? I mean, you can break a rule.

It's hard to break a rule of society. It's easy to go across the line by some people's judgment for a rule of society. Right. But I don't think you could ever have a red card that says, you've broken the rule. You could only have the yellow card of warning. Okay. I think that that takes care of the board. Yes. And really, I think we've pretty much righted most of the wrongs of society. As long as people are speaking English in our society. And are willing to carry around yellow cards. How are we going to distribute those? That's the thing. We want to make sure that everybody has equal access to their own source of yellow cards.

Not to get too digital, but I feel this smacks of app. Oh, Claire, that's brilliant. If we could give the means to every single person on earth to judge and then pronounce that judgment of any other person on earth instantaneously. Claire, we're in the wrong business. That's a goldmine. And I'm holding up a yellow card of good judgment. The gold judgment. Yes. Oh, I like that. If there's a gold card for you've done extra well, and it's just like a hair shade off the yellow card, that could create chaos, which I am a proponent of. Well, you know, it could create chaos and kind of the flip side of that.

I think it would make a lot of people who are airing feel good about themselves because they would miss see the yellow color, think that you are offering a compliment. Yes. And you know, everyone behaves better once they're being complimented. I think you do. You're doing such a good job right now. Well, thanks, Dano. Gold. All right, Claire. So that's great. I feel like single-handedly this podcast is changing society. I just heard an angel get her wings because they got a million dollars for a new app. Zuzu! Dano, I've been thinking about, speaking of clocking in, our wages. And I noticed as I was walking my Belgian shepherd this morning that the neighbor's child had put up a sign, please sign up and pay me money for my jog-a-thon.

Oh, right, right. A lot of kids do that, sign up and support whatever activity I'm doing. Right, right. I'm not sure I approve of that. No, well, after I had kicked down their display, I started thinking on my way home, it's like, wait, you know, maybe we could do something like that for our podcast. We could have maybe a pod-a-thon to raise money for ourselves. Yeah. That does sound a little too much like a company that supplies outhouses. Pod-a-thon? Jim's Pod-a-thon. Right, sure. I do not want to spend 24 hours in a porta-pod. That would make you the number one person in the number two business.

Gold. That's what I was shooting for. Oh, I feel so validated. So, I don't love the name. I'm sorry, I don't want to rain on your parade. I love the idea. Okay, okay. Basically, what you're saying is, can we get people to pay us for our podcast? Oh, maybe that is. That's succinct. That is succinct. I'm not saying that would be the title. I'm saying that's the notion. No, yes. I'm saying that's the succinct notion. All I was thinking about, how can I get some money in my wallet? Right, right. And I hadn't put it all together. Claire, I'm not changing the subject, even though it sounds like I am.

Okay. I think, looking over our podcasting statistics, that our single most popular episode so far has been the true crime episode that we did several weeks ago. Okay. And it got me thinking to carry on with that popularity that that one seemed to engender. What if we did more true crime? And rather than go to all the reporter-like work of researching, what if we just committed our own crimes in the name of being able to report on them? This is money. And that's what I'm thinking. There's money in your pocket as long as we do money-based crimes, which is, frankly, to me, much more interesting than violence.

Right. Yes, absolutely. I mean, if somebody gets hurt along the way, I'm not going to not report. It's probably going to happen. Yes. So, yeah, if you're up for a little bit of true crime, I'm sure we could get some money in your wallet. And so, all we would need to do is a crime a week and then a podcast about it. I would even say that if the crime is paying off, let's leave the podcast part out. That's an interesting proposition. I think that's really, that feels like a smart evolution of what we've been doing. Yeah. Yellow card right there. Evolution means forever, you know, movement forward. So, after we've done true crime and true crimes for a while, we're not pretending.

We're doing true crimes. These would have to be true crimes or you have no money in your wallet. And then one of us could become a detective. And start a podcast. Sure, sure. So, wait, what were you thinking? One of us becomes a detective and solves the crimes? Well, they would get a wage. So, the detective is on the payroll of the crime gang? Oh, no, the police, like the detective would be paid. So, the detective gets a real job as a detective. Yeah. And gets a wage from whoever hires him as a detective. Yeah. To chase this wave of true crime that's happening from this team.

And everybody's making money. This is like a perpetual motion machine, Claire. That's it. They say it's impossible. I say you hit upon it and gold card to you. Yeah, thank you. Thanks. And I think I can see it keep going too, because eventually the detective will catch the crime maker. Yeah, it's bound to happen. Because the detective has to be one of us. That's right. According to the scheme we've set up. Yes, yeah, yeah. Which means it's going to be very, very easy for the detective to catch the criminal, which would automatically be the other one of us.

Right. So, Claire, I do feel like we're looking way into the future with a scheme like this. And I love that kind of big thinking. I really do. Right now, for getting money into your wallet, is there anything that you need that we can just, you know, we've got petty cash. I kind of want to get back at my neighbor. I need a little bit of money to prank my neighbor. Okay, that's very petty. Yeah. Are you still looking at that hip reduction operation? Every day. That's not really petty, though. I mean, that's so that I can collect my wages. There's the huge dichotomy in this whole situation.

If you were to take from petty cash to have your hip reduction operation done, you would be able to punch in, you would get paid. And we wouldn't need to go through with this whole scheme. Oh, gosh. Everything is a circle. But you know what, Claire? What if I just punched in for you? Bye.