The ExperTeam’s Health Report

Warning! This is not the Expertise podcast. This is an illegally recorded phone conversation about the Expertise podcast. By listening, you are a party to that illegality. And that's the best kind of party there is. Well, I think that's why we might find our niche of people. Because we're not trying to help. On the contrary. Yeah. Yeah, if we can bring people down a little bit to our level. Yeah, you know, the dumber you are, the happier you are. And we're the perfect vehicle for that. In kind of a backwards way, we are a self-help podcast. Oh, it's the reverse psychology of reverse psychology.

Yes. Well, I've already confused myself on that one. Clare, I couldn't help but notice you have sort of a Lauren Bacall huskiness to your voice. Yes. And we've been getting some letters about that. People worried about your health. Yeah. Is there anything that we need to know? I am smoking a lot. I've got a peat bog out back that I am firing up. Yeah. I mean, it's not great for the vocal cords. Is it tending to the peat bog that causes the smoke that causes the problem with the throat? It is. It is, Dano. Peat bog season will come to an end. And I should have a nice, clear vocal cord situation.

All right. I think some people consider the Lauren Bacall, you know, becoming. But some people were worried, so. Yeah, thank you. Yes. Did you want to ask about my voice? Your voice seems unusually clear for living in the polluted, smoke-filled dystopia. Benadryl, Clare. Oh, Benadryl. You know, Ben and Jerry's should have a Benadryl flavor ice cream. You get all souped up on the sugar high, and then it puts you to sleep after about four hours. And you wake up with a clear throat. As long as you hadn't fallen asleep operating heavy machinery in the first place, you'd wake up with a clear throat.

I mean, if you're forklifting tubs of ice cream into your freezer, you've got more of a problem than a scratchy throat. You should consider a forklift for your peat bog. Oh, I should. You know, just moving some of those heavy slabs of peat about. He has put on weight. Wait, are we talking about my husband now? Oh, heavy slabs of peat, Sarah. Clare, as we strive to increase our listenership, what would you think of offering a tote bag? I have so many tote bags. From NPR, from PBS. Nina Totenberg's tote bag is gigantic. But I wonder if we could repurpose them.

Yeah, there's so many things you could use a tote bag for besides toting. Right. A podcast takes no space. You don't really need a tote bag for a podcast. Well, what is NPR implying when they give you a tote bag? I think NPR is implying that you will take baguettes to the poor people. Right, yeah. That is kind of what they stand for. Could we get on that bandwagon? I have a great baguette recipe, and I know some poor people. I don't know that we're really a social justice kind of podcast. I think we're more in the intellectual realm. All right. So what could you tote that would indicate intellectuality?

A calculator. Let's give away a calculator and a tote bag. Oh, you know what? You could maybe combine the two things. Right. You could calculate the dimensions of the bag. Right. I mean, we could get rid of the bag and just calculate the dimensions of the calculator and say no tote bag required. That feels like a positive. No tote bag. It's a no tote bag. No tote. No tote. Yes, no tote. Like, why don't we stop toting things? Why are we always toting? We're always toting, and I feel like all these companies are trying to get us to tote. To tote more. I am one tote over the line.

Sweet Jesus. Sorry to keep going back to the post office, but I feel like it's our one ongoing expense. So I do have to keep bringing it up because it keeps showing up on the reports each week. Right, right. The nice lady at the post office, Rosamund, has asked us to please not use the washroom. And I didn't even realize that our P.O. Box had a washroom. Did you? Oh, yes. Of course. I mean, I signed up for it. Oh. So if you've signed up for it, we should be allowed. Well, I'm not paying for it. Oh, you're just using the washroom. Yeah. So you're the one she actively wants to exclude.

Yes. She was just complaining that it was filthy. Does that sound like you? No, that doesn't sound like me. Did you bring anyone in? Did Pete go with you? I'll bet you went in after one of your peat bog sessions. Oh, right. Stunk the place up with your smoke. That could be true, and I'm a bit of a clodhopper with that mud on my shoes. And Rosemond did say something about the stink of the old country. That's me. That's what I leave in every bathroom that I visit.