The Animal Therapy Expertease

Danno Sullivan, since you specialize in pet therapy, I thought we could probe your anal glands. What? Of expertise. Smelled wrong? Naturally. You're listening to Expertise, spelled wrong, the podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Expert comedy writer Clare Sera and expert writer Danno Sullivan bring their expertise to other unrelated expertises. Wonderful listeners of Expertise. I'm Clare Sera and I'm here to welcome you to our podcast today. Danno Sullivan, so, so excited to speak to you today. We have so many of our listeners, our pet lovers, pet havers, pet wannabe havers. I myself am a pet haver.

Hairball, sorry. You are an expert in giving therapy to the pets. To the pets. To the pets themselves. And, you know, we don't really consider that our pets may have anxiety, our pets may have desires that they are not able to express to us. And we are constantly trying to anthropomorphically figure out, you know, are they hungry? Do they need to pee? I'm sorry, excuse me, if I could just interject for one second. It's a real treat to be on the program. I'm honored and flattered. I'm a longtime listener. What was that word? Anthro... Anthropomorphize. That's why I love coming on your program because, you know, as somebody with a PhD in my chosen field...

Pet therapy. Pet therapy. Boy, oh boy, do I love to share my expertise, my knowledge. Right, right, right. But I glean so much from someone like you. Right, yeah. Just with those... It was anthro? Anthropomorphic, which... Got it, got it. You know, for any of our listeners. Sure. Yeah, I mean, that's... I mean, I know that because I've been through a college program about anthros. Well, and I'm sure that in your work, you come across it a lot where a pet owner will anthropomorphize the pet's desires. The pet's desires, just... Right, yes. Yeah, you see it all the time.

Right, you must see that all the time. So what do you think about anthropomorphizing our pets? I think that all pets should be anthropomorphized as much as possible. They often enjoy it. I think it's good for the health of the pet, both physical and spiritual and mental. And the owner also benefits in a way. Would you say? Well, I mean, this is... I mean, as a pet owner yourself. Of course, as our listeners know too, anthropomorphize means to project human qualities... To project human qualities... Onto your pet. Onto your pets. And quite often... That's what I've been...

Well, I mean, it's very interesting for you to say that you can't do that enough. I have to be honest and say that I was expecting you to say that perhaps the pets have their own thoughts and their own unique ways of thinking that are not necessarily human. Yeah, sure they do. And that we are assuming things on our pets. We're just assuming way too much on our pets that way, Claire. Do you think? You're absolutely right. Because that's what I thought. So that's what you think? Absolutely, yeah. I think you've really nailed it with the way we're doing that too much.

And we should do it less, I would say. Look, you're the expert. This is not one of those quack medicine things that you hear about. Although, well, which animal quacks, it's an animal, it's in a quack. Right, a duck, right? A duck, right. I was gonna say a swan, but yeah, of course, a duck. No. So this is not one of those quack therapies. This is... I spent a lot of time in a college with a lot of classes and classmates. Yes, you've mentioned, you mentioned... Cafeterias. That you have a degree. Right, right, right. Let's get to... Let's get down to some nitty gritty.

Sure, sure. I checked with your people beforehand that we might be able to use some actual cases that you've therapized. So you had an interesting time with a ferret. Well, ferrets are really hard to work with, Claire. They're long, they're thin, they're agile, they're bendy, to use the therapist talk. You cannot keep a ferret in a maze. Wow. This is Schrodinger's ferret, is what I hear you saying. Is that a type of animal, a Schrodinger? Well, actually, I thought that was the name of the couple that called you that had a pet ferret, the Schrodingers. Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Schrodinger, yes.

Yes, yeah. They raise ferrets and sell them to the labs for experiments. It's the sweetest thing. Oh, wait, what? I don't... Hold on. Yes. They do what? They raise ferrets for the labs to experiment on. But each one is raised with love, with food, with water. They try to keep it as chemical-free and as bias-free as possible until they're actually out to the labs, because that's the main thing you see. No, I don't see, to be honest. Well, because we're experimenting with unusual therapies on these animals. Now, hold up. You don't want a creature that's already been...

Dr. Sullivan, Dr. Sullivan. It's just Mr. Sullivan. Doctor is my father. He was Jerry Doctor. Yeah, and he was a disgrace from the medical community because of his human animal experiments. But that's not... Look, we don't hold you accountable to that. No, the sins of the father shall not be shunned upon the children. Almost right. I believed from your website, powered by Wix, and we'll put that in the show notes. I do draw the line, and selling pets for experiments is a line. These are not pets. These are animals raised specifically for the purpose. And you say for experiments, like that alone is a bad thing.

Most of these ferrets are being used as bait for bears. Very few of them are actually being used in a laboratory. They are in a wild kingdom where they would choose to be naturally a forest, a jungle, under the sea. I did not know that ferrets could survive under the sea. Yeah, not an unaltered ferret. Like a salmon-infused ferret that a bear would find attractive. Oh, you know what? I have your recipe of the month club calendar here, and the salmon-infused ferret is September 23rd. Mmm, I smell a dinner party. I'm just gonna be perfectly honest with you. I'm a little upset to find out that you are participating in animal experimentation. I really thought that your calling was to help animals find their comfort.

Claire, an animal that's not having discomfort doesn't need comfort. So we're basically putting the cart and the horse together all into one creature. Well, that's what your father was disbarred for doing. Yes, his joint horse cart mechanism did not go the way he planned. The course, as he called it, was terrible. The course, yeah. He did win the race at the Santa Anita racetrack. I was there, and I had bet on the other horse, I just say that to say that there is some conflict of interest for me with your father. With my pa. But that's pa for the course, I suppose.

Oh, no. But I'd like to hear you tell our listeners that you are not involved in any kind of animal cruelty, because if that's so, I cannot air this podcast. I am not involved in any kind of animal cruelty. Okay. All right. That's good to know. Are you airing this podcast? If that's true, I can air the podcast. I feel like you've misinterpreted almost everything I've said here today, Claire. I'm here to help animal kind. Yes. I'm here to be kind to animals. Nice. Okay, great. Now we're on track. Yeah. All right. Good. So let me just ask you a few questions, if I may.

Yes. What kind of pets do you have, Claire? I have a German shepherd. What do you feed your German shepherd, Claire? Blue mist, salmon-based food product. Where does the salmon come from, Claire? British Columbia. And have you investigated every aspect of the unhurtful harvesting of that salmon-based dog food? Yeah. My fellow worker, Fernando, and I take a trip up to the Salmon Arm River in British Columbia every March for the run. The salmon run. The salmon run, which happens in September. So we're there in March. We've missed it every year, but still, it's... Our intention is good, you see. Our intention to do right by our pets.

All right. So as long as your heart is in the right place. Yes. That forgives a multitude of sins. Thank you. Claire, would you just push play on the film I've provided? Oh, okay. This is interesting. Yeah. Now, there we go. Now, I believe that is... I can see by the handsomeness that that must be... Is it Fernando? It is Fernando. Yes. For folks at home, I have to apologize for the jerkiness. This was recorded with vintage film equipment, just purely for effect. Wait, you recorded us? There's Fernando with what looks to me like a wooden clout in his hand. Claire, correct me if I'm wrong. Is that a male at the end of the clout?

Look, Fernando carries a lot of clout. I'm not sure of all of his clouts and what they look like. And here's someone. Oh, I judge to be a female. She wears dark glasses. She has a bouffant. It looks like a lily lang tree style cape. A bustier and a large metal clasp at the waist. She wears... This is really... I mean, this is intrusive. I see now that the veil is set aside, that it's none other than podcaster Claire Sarah. There's nothing wrong with being in the Salmon Arm River during a salmon run. Carrying a taser, as far as I can tell. That turned out to be a very bad idea in the water. Those currents really carry and it backfired.

Oh, and there it is. There's the backfire, folks. Yes, you have footage of me tasering myself in the freezing cold waters of British Columbia. Fernando seems to be unconscious, face down in the water. Here's the photographic image of Claire going to him. What? Oh, is this a bone saw that I see? You can't prove... Claire, is there anything you want to tell us about the dog food now? The dog food is people. The Expertise Spelldrong podcast is free and, like the Amish, all are welcome. Be sure to sign up for our email announcements at funnypodcast.com and follow us in your favorite podcast app, like the Expert Podcast Listener we know you are.

That's all for this podcast today, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you hold your pets tight, not too tight, tonight and cuddle up and be kind.