The Sea Monkey Attack Expertease

Good evening, expert listeners of our podcast. Danno, since you're an expert in Koi pond architecture, we thought we could probe your area. I beg your pardon? Of expertise. Oh, spelled wrong? Naturally. You're listening to Expertise, spelled wrong, the podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Expert comedy writer Clare Sera and expert comedy writer Danno Sullivan bring their expertise to other unrelated expertises. Clare, it is a real treat to be here talking about my little world of underwater expertise, Koi ponds. I'll tell you that I personally became a fan of Koi ponds and the fish that are Koi, K-O-I, not C-O-Y. Oh, now you are being Koi.

Our neighbors installed a Koi pond. Oh, I wonder if they hired Jimmy's Koi Ponds Are Us. I did see the van. Is that one of your... We consult with Jimmy's. They do the installation and we do the planning, the scale drawings. The fish scale. Yeah. Hang on, I got to write that down. That's going right into the marketing plan. And we also supply the fish. Oh, you do supply the fish as well. So, you are a breeder. Not me personally. I encourage the fish to do that amongst themselves. Right, right. Very good. I have noticed that what used to be something or a rare site that you would see, say at a corporate buildings, gardens, or at a fancy hotel designed to look like nature where these beautiful orange, golden striped fish can splash around for people to look at.

We call those corporate nature ponds. Corporate nature ponds, CNPs, I guess you call them. You're starting to sound like a specialist yourself, Claire. What we're finding is a lot of the big businesses are kind of ashamed at what they've done to God's own nature, to the environment that all of us live in, Claire. Right. So, what they do is they bring a little nature in to their cement, glass, and steel hell holes. And we try to help them in any way that we can with that. Our motto is, a little bit of nature is better than a crap load of concrete. That's a catchy motto.

What we've discovered through research is that people are not interested in koi fish. They're absolutely the dullest among living fish. So, what we do to make this much more interesting for the passerby is we try to tie it into some aquatic disaster. Something that really gets the emotions going and gets the, it's not the testosterone, what's the chemical that goes when you're excited? Adrenaline? Adrenaline, yes. For example, we have an installation at IBM in Sausalito. Yeah, yeah. They're corporate headquarters. And they asked us to bring in a koi pond.

We said, do you want the dull version or the testosterone-driven adrenaline version? Of a koi pond. Well, I hear the tone in your voice. I mean, when people think of a koi pond, they think of a calming, soothing, zen-like experience. And you have introduced this kind of disaster-themed, testosterone-adrenaline-driven koi structures. There are two experiences that people have at SeaClear. One is the one you're describing, which is lovely. If you're in that meditative mode, the gentle sea, the summery lagoon. Yes, the lapping, yes. But when you're down in Sausalito, that's not what IBM wants to engender in people.

They need each employee that passes that pond to feel fired up and ready to get to work. So what we've done to spark the enthusiasm of each person that passes by is we've created just this really authentic wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. Sure. Kids love that. So it's a learning experience as well, because we make sure that each person who died in that tragic shipwreck is represented in our recreation by one particular fish. So it's a fish-based, fish-sized recreation of these horrible disasters. The feedback that we get most often is, isn't a disaster disastrous for the passersby, for the tender human psyche?

And we're kind of combining these two emotions of the calmness of the koi world with the horrible God-made disaster of a tragic shipwreck. And I'm assuming that you have some kind of audio screaming. I don't know if it would be the sound of fish screaming or people screaming. I'm not the expert, but as you walk past, and I'm also assuming there are costumes, so you would know which one was the captain, who were- Well, now you're getting into sea monkey territory. Oh, right. I sure am. Yeah. For the undersea regimes, they are very strict about who gets to wear clothing and who doesn't. We did talk to the sea monkeys about coming in and doing some of the acting work.

Oh my goodness, a combo. They're not for it, Claire. The sea monkeys do not want to participate with anything that the koi are doing. Well, I did read also in the article in Koi Weekly that the sea monkeys have unionized, and that's caused a lot of problems, or should I say a lot of freedom for them, a lot of problems for people who want to use their surfaces. Yeah. I'm not sure it does equate to freedom for them because there's so much paperwork, and the paperwork is always getting waterlogged. It slows down the whole process. I think they've actually kind of shot themselves in the fin.

Trying to unionize power in numbers, the thing is, the number of sea monkeys, Claire, all they are are frozen brine shrimp, and you can get those sea monkey eggs by the million for about a dollar. Right. Sure. There's not really that much power when they unionize because there's already so many of them ready to go. You're saying there's bags of scabby eggs ready to do the work. Hang on. I do want to jot that down for the side of the trucks. Bags of scabby eggs. Is that it? Yeah. Right. Yes. That's scabs that will cross those union lines. Well, Dano, I do want to let anybody know that is listening that would be interested in having one of these exciting Koi pond recreations.

We do a lot for parties and private events too. Right. I'm guessing that you would do the Titanic, some of the U-boat, World War II submarine. We do a lovely thing with an octopus-sized U-boat. We have Sally the octopus. I don't know if you know Sally from SeaWorld. You have the actual Sally? Yes. She had to be retired, in quotation marks, from SeaWorld. It fits in the typical backyard birthday party, so maybe right next to the bouncy castle. So exciting. And so kids could watch some of these sea disasters enacted by Koi, by octopus, by maybe sea monkeys, depending, I suppose, on what's legal in the moment. I just want to say that you have really opened up the eyes and ears of our listeners. Do fish have ears?

Fish do have ears, but they have to keep them sealed down flat to keep the water out. So they really don't hear a thing. They can't hear anything? Yeah. Ever try to argue with a fish? I have. It did not go well. We are doing some work with the descendants of Jacques Cousteau, which is very exciting. They're doing some documentary work. Interestingly, not on the undersea aspects of our work. They're doing a documentary on Jacques Cousteau himself. And apparently, we've brought some shame and embarrassment to the family name. So they're wanting to- They want to speak with you. I think just by legitimizing sea monkeys, you've sort of removed yourself from the world of Jacques Cousteau.

And not just legitimizing sea monkeys, and I was not going to go into this, but there are allegations of your involvement with some of the sea monkey families that, I mean, nothing's been proven. I don't want you to feel you have to defend yourself on our program. We were here to talk about your art. Well, if I may interject and ask, I believe that you, as my podcast host, are dual citizen between the US and Canada. Is that correct? That is correct. Is there anything wrong with that? I don't believe so. I hold two passports. It's legal. So you don't see anything wrong with that. I don't see anything wrong with me having sworn fealty to the sea monkey king himself, Claire. I feel like I can still be a proud American citizen while doing duty within the sea monkey kingdom.

But that's just it, Dano. You, in fact, can't because part of the oath that you take to become an American citizen is you have to forswear loyalty to any other regent, specifically regent. Are you worried about the rumors of the sea monkeys declaring war on the United States? Well, I don't like the idea of a fellow American, even if I'm half so, taking up arms with those little tiny sea monkey tridents against the United States of America. Well, Claire, I think we're getting to the nub of the issue right now. As an American, as a Canadian, are you satisfied? Do you feel like the country is going the way that you want it to?

Or let me just put it another way. Can you imagine Claire being, living the life of a princess in an undersea kingdom? The only thing that's expected of you on a day-to-day basis is to follow the beam of light that someone shines in through your glass wall, to do a few little antics and tricks for the entertainment of the passersby. I'm spinning. I'm spinning. My crown is waving in the water. I want to be a sea monkey princess. Yo-ho, yo-ho, that's the life for me. The Expertise Spelled Wrong podcast is free and, like the Amish, all are welcome. Be sure to sign up for our email announcements at funnypodcast.co and follow us in your favorite podcast app, like the expert podcast listener we know you are.