The Cryptozoology Expertease

Good evening, expert listeners of our podcast. Our audience is composed mostly of unusual creatures. And Danno Sullivan, cryptozoology is your... Expertise! Spelled with two O's? Not truly. You're listening to Expertise, spelled wrong. The podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Expert comedy writer Clare Sera and expert comedy writer Danno Sullivan bring their expertise to other unrelated expertises. Ladies and gentlemen, I can feel the excitement in your air this evening. It took a lot of work to get this guest here tonight because these fellows are as elusive as the creatures they study.

I'll be right with you, Clare. It's very busy over here at cryptozoology headquarters. Johnson, if you could put the zoology back in the briefcase. While he's preparing, you know, I'm going to say that we booked this guest because we got a lot of requests. Apparently, a lot of our listeners are into mythological creatures. If I could just interrupt. I'm very busy here and I do just have a couple of minutes. I know that you need to explain to your audience what cryptozoology means. I have an appointment with Johnson and Murdoch just coming up. Johnson and Murdoch.

Now, are those creatures or are those fellow lab workers? Johnson is another cryptozoologist. Murdoch is a creature. Now, I don't know whether you are allowed to talk freely about some of the discoveries that you are logging and studying or... Yes, but I do only have just five or six minutes at the most. Sure, of course. Yes, absolutely. Well, but we can just get right to the questions. I had our audience write in a few of the most pressing. Sure, sure. Just go down the list and you won't mind if I'm all business all the time. Biz, biz, biz. Time, time, time.

Of course, our most pressing question. Have you seen a Sasquatch? Is Sasquatch real? I'm sorry. I know how lame that is, but we've got to get it out of the way. Short answer or long answer, Clare? Give me the maybe short first. Yeah, because time, time, time. Right. Is Sasquatch real? Yes, we had one for Thanksgiving dinner. Oh, my gosh. Wait, hold on. You had one for Thanksgiving dinner? Clare, everywhere you... I live in the northeast of the United States of America, and all autumn long, the Sasquatch are just out on the roadside in the bushes. During hunting season, you can get a Sasquatch license, go right out, bag yourself a Sasquatch or two, and bring it home for Thanksgiving dinner.

That's what my wife did. But now, I'm sorry to be so... I mean, I thought I'd done my research before speaking with you. But as far as I know, the very existence of Sasquatch is contentious and is not agreed upon. And yet you are saying in the northeast that you can get a license? As you know, the Sasquatch is a man-like creature. So there is a little bit of a gray area. Is it hunting or is it murder? We, in the cryptozoology circles, know that the Sasquatch is actually mythical, and therefore it cannot be murder. That is a very, very interesting point. It seems to me that there's a lot of power in your department if you have the legislative ability to declare something mythical.

I mean, that could pose a lot of ethical questions as to what could be hunted. Murdoch, I'll be right with you. I'm just talking to the podcast lady. So, of course, you know, mermaids are another big question on everybody's minds. Murdoch is a mermaid. Oh, so Murdoch is a female? Murdoch is a female mermaid spelled M-E-R-D-O-C. Murdoch. Oh, from the dock. Uh-huh. Yeah, she swims down by the docks where she meets sailors. And for just a very reasonable fee, she'll accompany, let's say, a sailor for, let's say, drinks at a nearby, let's call it an establishment.

But we find it's, you know, an equitable situation for both the sailors and the mermaids. Well, no offense to you. I know that you're moving in a different mythological universe than I am. I think I see what your problem is. You don't believe that mermaid work counts as real work. Oh, my gosh. And for you to cast judgment and dispersion on a fish woman, a mermaid, simply because they've made different choices than you might have made? You know, Dano, I probably have a fairly romantic notion of what it would be like to be a cryptozoologist in the wild, setting up, you know, one of those blinds that you see the National Geographic photographers kind of...

You're exactly right. That's exactly what we do. Oh, yeah? Now, you mentioned that you had a romantic notion, Claire. Yes. Do you have, by any chance, fins or a tail, gills? I think I'm 100% human through and through. All right, then. I mean... No, no, I'll just cross that off this list. I mean, I have a tooth at the base of my spine. Oh. Showed up in an x-ray one time. Now, this is starting to sound interesting from a cryptozoological standpoint. Oh. Any other symptoms that I should be aware of? Well, you know, I also have a tooth in the middle of the roof of my mouth.

I think I heard that on one of your episodes. And I have a tooth at my elbow. Oh, you have teeth all over, basically. Wisdom teeth, I like to call them. Now, what about your mouth? Any teeth in the mouth? I do not have any teeth in my mouth. Okay. Now, you might be what we cryptozoologists call a monster, Claire. Do people run in terror when you approach? Not every time. Okay. But often enough that it's noticeable. I mean, doesn't that happen to most people? No. No, mostly to monsters. Oh. Do you fear flame? Oh, gosh. I embrace flame. Oh. And your skin is able to resist it, to withstand it?

Well, yeah. I mean, can everyone? Okay, great, great. Hard, scaly skin, we could say. I mean, I moisturize as much as I can. It's one of the oddest questionnaires I've ever taken on the internet. Well, first time with a cryptozoologist. Can you breathe fire? Of course not. I'm not a dragon. Okay. Good, good. How do you feel about destroying skyscrapers one floor at a time? Claire, I can hear your tummy rumbling. Oh, excuse me. Gosh, you know, I'm starting to feel that perhaps I booked you as a guest more for myself than for my podcast listeners. I find that on a lot of podcasts, the hosts book not for what they want, but for what they need.

Claire, it's been a real treat to be here on your podcast. And just before we go, if you wouldn't mind, can you tell me, what is cryptozoology? Very good, Dano. Very good. The study of mythological creatures. Got it. Got it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Whether they actually exist. And what have you determined? Do they actually exist? I've come to believe I may be one. Oh. Yeah. So I thank you for that. Real life changing podcast. This may be my last podcast, gentle listeners. Well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Expertise Podcast. I'm your host, Dano Sullivan. And my guest today is a self-proclaimed monster woman, Claire Serra.

Welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. Oh, I'm sorry. My mistake. It's Jimmy Durante, ladies and gentlemen, from the 1940s. Dano, that's the monster voice that I discovered. After living in the wild at the cryptozoology enclosed facilities, and working day and night for the cryptozoologists there, I discovered the monster within. Would you say that everyone has a monster within, or a monster voice that needs to come out? Yes, I believe everybody has an absolute monster within them that should be voiced. Those who have not discovered their inner monster, what are they missing?

Oh, Dano, they're missing the beauty of the color red in their spectrum. The red of rage, the red of blood, the red of sunset, the red in their eye of taking out their enemy without remorse, with their claws and their fangs, the way that Mother Earth intended. Claire, you're saying that this is a monster within, but the activity and the emotions you're describing are monstrous. If everyone behaved this way, if everyone let their inner monster out, what kind of world would we be living in? Well, it would be a more truthful world. But Dano, I'm not sure you understand, the monster within is metaphorical, as are those actions.

So, I'm talking about a murder that you participate in, a murder of the mind. Of another person's mind? Yes. I see. But you leave their heart and body alone? Oh, of course. I would never harm someone. I would never harm somebody's body. I love the fact that you're taking justice into your own hands, Claire. But what does this say about our society, where the judge and jury are left out of the process? But I'm talking about the monster society, Dano. Now, this brings up a wonderful image to me, that of monster society. I'm picturing get-togethers, folks going out to the movies, dinner parties.

You're imagining it absolutely right. When we broke out of the cryptozoology facility, we decided that we were going to live differently. As monsters should. As monsters can, should, will, and do. So, tell me about a monster dinner party. Oh, the monster's ball, I think is what you're talking about. We have it every year. And first of all, the food is fantastic. Fresh human meat, just piled high. Meat made by humans, I presume you mean? Yes. Hamburger, hot dog, sausages? Human hamburger. Made of human? Human. Hu-burger. We have hu-burgers and man-buns. What about dessert items?

Oh, well, you know, monsters have a very big sweet tooth. Just that one big tooth. Yeah, yeah. From which we suck the blood of babies. Cute. Cute. Yeah, well, you know, I mean, we're just living freely and openly as monsters. Okay. Now, as a human, I'm interested and curious because I'm not aware of monster society. I don't see it around me. What can I do to be supportive of monster society while also keeping a safe distance for the protection of my man-buns? That's mostly what you can do is keep a safe distance and just kind of leave us be to our own ways, you know.

We don't desire to integrate with human society. Okay. We don't want to bring ourselves down or box ourselves in or with all these rigid rules that humans have about thou shalt not kill, you know. We are monsters and we are free and proud. And violent. And so violent. So, so violent. You mentioned divine law that human society tends to live by with very simple rules. Thou shalt not kill. I'm curious, in monster society, do you still voice your rules with that old English syntax? That seems so archaic to me. Thou shalt. Oh, well, we do. Ours is not the only monster society.

We're the escapees of the cryptozoology facility run by Murdoch and… Johnson? Well, I want to hear your answer about old English syntax and then I want to hear more about your escape. Both sound fascinating. Oh, the escape itself. Oh, gosh. There you were. Behind the electrified fence. Yeah. So, of course, we had to wait for the 12th moon of the 12th month. We're monsters. We have our most power. Now, when you say power, some monsters I know are electrified. Are you referring to that in a general way? Or is there another monster power that we humans could comprehend?

The earthly monster power that comes from the motions of the earth itself. The tidal pool, the underground vibrations that humans don't even… It's like we hate technology. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But could you ever just stop off at a Tesla station and plug in? Dan-o, that is not of the earth. Yeah. Although Elon has a nice mask and one day we are all hoping to engage in his man-buns. Were the monsters united when it came to wanting to break out and form a new society? Or was it like the pilgrims coming to America where they knew they all wanted to get out of England, but they all had different hopes and dreams once they arrived?

Well, I would go even further. There are some monsters that stayed. In England? In the cryptozoology facility. Oh, oh, oh. By choice? Yes, by choice. Well, you know, after a while your captor becomes, as the Swedish say, stockholming. So, a few of the monsters, two actually, two monsters stayed behind. There was a pregnant mermaid and she wanted to stay with Johnson. There was also a… Please don't say Dan-o Sullivan. Dan-o Sullivan. Are you saying that Dan-o Sullivan is a monster? Are you saying that a monster is in charge of the monster program? That is exactly what I'm saying.

Claire, there's something I need to tell you. Okay. I am Dan-o Sullivan. Ha, ha, ha. Let the rampage begin. Oh, I only hope I get a gift for being on here. Claire, your friends at Elgin American have selected a surprise gift for you for appearing on the show today. We think you'll love this matching scarf and other scarf in two slightly distinct colors. Attractive, flexible and not as chafing. Enjoy this two-scarf set from Elgin American. The Expertise, spelled wrong, podcast is free. And like the Amish, all are welcome. Be sure to sign up for our email announcements at funnypodcast.co and follow us in your favorite podcast app.

Like the expert podcast listener we know you are. I'd like to roar at my guest, Claire Sarah, for stopping in today to share some of her most heartfelt secrets, even though she has no heart. Thank you, Claire. Thank you, Dan-o. Oh, oh, the sun's coming up. Gotta go.