The National Snowstorm at Witch Island Expertease

Why doesn't she answer? Come on Clare, pick up the phone. Pick up the phone! Uh oh. Clare? Is that you? I can almost hear you saying it's the Office of Expertise. Is that Clare or is it some... Whoa! Whoa! Clare, you're... Oh, hello Danno. I'm sorry. I'm a hydraulic lifter. Phone lifter. Yeah, it's getting stuck. I don't know if it needs oiled or... Your voice was so muffled it was almost as if it had compressed you into a small box, Clare. Are you all right? I just had to wait for the hydraulic phone lifter to lift the phone to my ear and mouthpiece. That's how it works, Danno. It's a hydraulic phone lifter. It lifts the phone to me.

You know, you are hitting right on the head, Clare. One of the things that I really needed to talk to you about during today... Hold on, Danno. Danno, hold on. Hold on just a second. There we go. She's coming. Clare, you need to get a one-way ratchet mechanism for safety on that. It should not... There needs to be a safety so it doesn't drop that way. Don't say the words on your head because this has been sensitized to voice commands. Oh, it's voice commands. So if I say on your head, that's like... Okay. All right. Okay. Please just be very careful with what you say. It's so sensitive to commands.

It's like saying Alexa or Hey Siri. Clare, just like that, you have hit on the head one of the times. So that beautiful harmony singing you were just doing made me think, Clare, tell me if I'm right, tell me if I'm wrong. A podcast is mostly an audio event. Correct. I'm glad you agree with me. It's really been bugging me because most of the other primarily audio events that I enjoy are things like music. Music that you listen to through audio mode via your ears. Right. So here's where I'm going with this, Clare. Okay. You know, I'm a big fan of the Beatles, Das Beatles, as they were known in my homeland.

Oh, yes. The band. You're talking about the band? No, I'm talking about Germany. Oh, yeah. Germany. Yeah, my homeland. And the band, The Beatles, was so popular there. And I grew up listening to them. In the cave? Did you go to the cave? Das Cave. Isn't that where they performed? They would come over from the cavern in Liverpool. And they were such budding stars, you know, they would insist on Das Cave to be set up exactly the same way. So thematic, like Beatles are in a cave. I mean, I just think that's really genius. And they stuck with that for the longest time, even as they gained more and more popularity, as Beatlemania set in. You know, Shea Stadium was set up like a giant cave.

Right. I think they would have done better if they'd let themselves just perform. You say that like you know something about show business. And I'll tell you right now, Clare, podcasting is not show business. When they were in the cave on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1964, no other band had even thought to do something like that. Well, because you couldn't see them. You couldn't see a thing, Clare. The only thing you could see was there were some of those bioluminescent animals stuck to the walls. Right. Those bioluminescent snails that were figured prominently in the animated movie Smallfoot. That's just a little piece of trivia that I have.

Okay. Yeah. You're a fan of that film. But Dan, so this is bringing you around to the Beatles were predominantly an audio event because they demanded they would only perform in caves where people couldn't see them. Yeah, they were practically invisible. So their audio just became superb, superb. And that's what I want for our podcast, Clare. The thing about the Beatles was, you know, not only did they have the great production of professional studios, but it was really about those harmonies between the performers. And I feel like that what we lack, we don't lack it anymore. That's all I wanted.

Oh, our lack has been filled. I want our podcast to go out in beautiful harmony. Harmony. Well, that was a simple request to fulfill. Well, it's going to be harder when we're doing the actual podcast because there are so many more words we'll have to write up the arrangements ahead of time. I think maybe just the cue will be to tell the guests to say some words slowly. And whenever they say a word slowly, we just come in with a little bit of, you know, doppelganger vibrato. I cannot wait for our next podcast. People are going to be so delighted. Their ears will be tickled with delight.

Yeah, this is plus. You should put a plus on the title with this one. We'll put a plus on the episodes that have harmony. Like sometimes people will put that word explicit. Right. Instead of explicit, we will include the word harmonized. Harmonized. For your pleasure. Dan Harmon will love this so much. This is going to be completely harmonized, which means we'll probably need to swear a little bit more too. Right, right, right. Swearing in harmony. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. No, that was not harmony. What do you call it when two things are the same? Homogenized.

Yeah, that was Dan homogenized, not Dan harmonized. Right, right. Pretty Little Harmonize. Pretty Little Harmonize. Pretty Little Harmon. Pretty Little Harmon. Pretty Little Harmon. Clare, the harmony is beautiful, but the timing is terrible. So we're going to put star, harmonized, not timonized. Well, Dan Harmon's timing is terrible. Pretty Little Harmon. Pretty Little Harmon. Pretty Little Harmonize. Oh, it just became the micado. So you had one more item to be agended. I have such great news. I'm so excited to share this with you. Okay. You know the Hotel Splendide down on Pavement Avenue?

Oh, yeah. That place is sweet. Well, it's been out of business for the last 45 years, but back in the heyday of the big bands, you know, it was a sweet swinging place, just like you said. You seem to know it intimately. Did you go back in the heyday? My family had a standing suite. Was it the Sarah family that had the hay stand there during the heyday? Yes, exactly. Yeah. Hey, hey. We used to buy hay, straw, flax there. I did not know we had that childhood connection. How funny. Wow, you used to buy hay for my family? Yeah, that was surely the heyday. I used to make hay.

When? Whenever the sun shone. Oh, good, good. Well, because of a pact with an Indian tribe, there is a tax discount available to anyone who can use that building for cultural purposes. And I thought, what is more cultural than a podcast that goes out to the entire culture? That's us, Claire. I had a meeting last week with cultural attache for the Hotel Splendide, Terry Olsen's daughter. Terry Olsen's daughter. She's very powerful. Yes, and I'm a little nervous about even telling you this. Oh my gosh, Dana, what's happening? Claire, we have permission to podcast from the Sky Dome at the top of the Hotel Splendide, three stories above the ground, Claire.

What? We're taking the podcast to new heights? I know we're in a five-story apartment building, but to actually go to the top of one of those mid-level high-rises from the mid-century, and it's free. There's no extra charge to us. That's amazing. So we pass the culture test? They have not heard any of our podcasts yet. Dana, this is really exciting news. Are you for it? I'm 100% for it. First of all, I love culture. Second of all, I love heights, although I am terrified. I mean, literally terrified of heights. Got a simple solution for you. We'll put your expanding telephone chair in the basement so that even when it reaches to its maximum height, you'll only be up to the level where we're actually podcasting.

Okay. Well, Dana, do we need to think about what kind of topics? I mean, because we need to be thinking reaching a worldwide audience. Yeah. Now, our reach actually decreases when we move into the Hotel Splendide. Oh. Yeah. They don't have internet access. So it's a live show. It's you and me. You know, I'd be able to hear you. You'd be able to hear me. And if we have anyone else squeezed into the Sky Dome with us, you know, we might have Emily Horhound in for the squeezing. Oh, my. Of course, you're going to have Emily Horhound in for the squeezing. Dana, you know, I can't refuse to show up to my own podcast, but I just don't think that there's room in a Sky Dome for the both of us.

You are talent, Claire. She is nothing more than support. And let me tell you, that girl has got support. Well, you know, look, I don't want to think on any of the negatives right now, because this is great news. There's so many pluses. You know, there's the roller rink in the basement. So there's a lot of leftover snack foods that we would have access to. Right, right. Mostly from the 1940s. So these would be like rations from the Navy during World War II. Oh, right, right. So those MVPs, did they call them? The little meal in a packet? Inflatable dinghies also.

Oh, I love them. Remember, they used to open for the Beatles. Yeah, if we're lucky, we might be able to get the inflatable dinghies to play for us on one of our shows. That would be magnificent. This just gets more exciting. I wish, you know, I mean, I'm already wishing, of course, that people could hear this show. Well, Claire, I just had a brilliant idea. The building is so old that built into the walls, they still have those brass metal speaking tubes so that you could, you know, beckon a servant from the upstairs. Right. You just speak into the speaking tube and the sound goes out. It is like a precursor of all this high-tech technology we're using for podcasting.

We could have audience members from around the world stationed in each of the rooms of the building at the Hotel Splendide. So our broadcast would go out over speaking tube. Over speaking tube. Into each room. The only thing is, we'd have to start each podcast by saying, Ahoy! Ahoy! Wow, this is, it's a little bit complicated, but I still, I like it. I like expanding our breadth and depth. So I'm asking you, what should I tell Terry Olsen's daughter? Well, I mean, absolutely say yes. We can always cancel on the day. Oh, perfect. Yeah. You want to just list out a couple of quick excuses in case we need to cancel?

Oh, that's a great idea. Yeah. So absolutely. We are all in. We cannot wait to be there and do this. And then on the morning of, I have come down with a huge allergy to brass. Allergy to brass. Perfect. Allergy to brass. Like the speaking tubes, you would not be able to speak into them without your lips inflating. Right. Yes. That's great. So my excuse would just be, I'm out of town. I'm out of town. It seems a little unprofessional to have forgotten that you have the gig and just landed. Oh, you're stuck out of town. Some kind of national emergency. Snowstorm.

A national snowstorm on the island. National snowstorm on which island? Well, the island where you're vacationing. No, no. I was saying on which island? Because that's how you would have a national snowstorm. National snowstorm on which island? Coming this week on Expertise. Oh, can't wait. Okay, Claire. Well, this is all very exciting news. Talk to you soon. It just all makes so much sense, Dan. Thank you for bringing us to new heights. Ladies and gentlemen, podcast listeners from around the globe, welcome to the Expertise Knowledge Podcast for people who like to get their knowledge in podcast form.

We are podcasting live from the Skydome at the top of the three-story Hotel Splendide just off Pavement Avenue. My guest today is a dabbler in the craft of witchery. And we're going to talk to Claire Sarah about the recent national snowstorm at which island? You're listening to Expertise, spelled wrong, the podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Welcome, welcome one and all. I'm Dan O'Sullivan, your host on the Expertise Podcast. My guest today claims responsibility for the recent national snowstorm. Claire Sarah, welcome to the show.

I'm so sorry. Excuse me. Emily, Emily, can we get a glass of water for? Well, it's really it's my black veil on my hat keeps getting caught in my throat. Do not inhale. I thought that the Skydome would be enclosed. Oh, no, no, it is open to the elements. You know, that's how we first experienced the national snowstorm. For my listeners at home, self-proclaimed witch Claire Sarah is here, dressed very witch-like, covered in black from head to toe. Claire, you noticed and mentioned through the speaking tube to our audience here. Ahoy! That the Skydome is open to the elements.

Since we've been here at the Skydome over the last five days, we have experienced a panoply of weather, the variety, the likes of which we've never experienced before. Anywhere indoors, certainly, and rarely outdoors. What interest do the witches have in controlling the weather? Oh, Dan-o. Witches such as myself, and I would prefer from this point on, if you do not add the moniker self-proclaimed to my title. Witches such as myself do not take any pleasure in controlling the weather. We work with the weather. We ask what the weather wants, and we guide its flow.

That's very, very beautiful. I think of witches, pardon the stereotype, as self-proclaimed evil. See, I just want to point out that you do not need to add self-proclaimed. No, no, I understand. You asked me not to refer to you as a self-proclaimed witch, and I absolutely will not. Are you born a witch, or do you choose to become a witch? Is it like being Amish, where you have the opportunity to make up your own mind? That's a very insightful question, and I love this question, because witches aren't born. They're made, much like an Amish barn is raised.

Yeah, much like a podcaster, you know? Ira Glass was not born podcasting. Well, no, I mean literally, we're not born. We are made and raised like an Amish barn. Ooh, the unborn. Let's think of a better term for you than the unborn. That sounds evil, and I know you're trying to overcome that. How about the raised? The raised, yes, yes, absolutely. We are the raised as I am today in this sky dome here at Hotel Splendide. Is that a raindrop? Did I just feel a little bit of... Is that a little bit of green dropping down? I find it ironic that you're acting surprised at something happening in the weather.

So, you were raised a witch. Yes. As a small witch, was that an enjoyable experience for you, or did you long for this? Oh, absolutely enjoyable. No, no, I was raised by the sea, and I was raised by the sea. And so, for the first years of my life, I was a sandwich. And I enjoyed that aspect of my childhood. Dana, this is Emily Horehound Charminoon. You asked me to just cut in whenever there was a pun that would not be able to be broadcast. And so, I just wanted to let you know that your guest seems to have uttered a pun that we simply just will not be able to use.

So, you were raised by the sea. Yeah, by the sea. Yeah, by the sea. And things would go awry, much like pastrami between two slices, quite often. Excuse me, Dana. It's Emily again. I wanted to compliment you on how that sweater brings out the deep seafoam color of your eyes and just let you know that there was another pun that was uttered and perhaps maybe needs to be excised. Now, I mean, this is what led to us being used by the National Guard. Yes, this was a very surprising connection that the buttoned-up, tight, uniformed National Guard would bring in these self-proclaimed witches to, well, you tell us what happened.

I know that the inflatable dinghies had been performing at one of those USO shows. Well, we were on one of the off islands, of course, that really belonged to no nation. And could we just interject and explain off islands to our listening public? This is something that only the United States does, right, with the off islands? Yes, they provide their National Guard for services for the off islands. Okay. And then for the on islands? On this particular off island, my sisters and I had established a community. So, had you and your self-proclaimed witch sisters, oops, sorry, had you and your witch and sisters set up under the auspices of the National Guard or was there a clash between the two groups?

We are an autonomous body of witching women. You witching folk, you witching ladies, you witching women. Woo-hoo, witching woman. Harmonize with me, Claire. You got a way in the sky. Does harmony mean that we sing the same notes? That's called danharmonizing. So, danharmonizing is like a one-note approach. Yeah, like Dan, just one note, one word, one syllable. Right, right. And thank you for playing along. That's something we're trying with all our guests on the podcast now. We just harmonize for a minute. So, we had created a cove. A coven in a cove? Yes, we were the cove coven.

So, there was a cove on the island and you created a coven in the cove? We were a coven that lived in the cove. And, of course, because of the elements of the wind and the rain. You must have needed to stay warm, maybe with an oven. We did have an oven. Your coven had an oven? The coven has an oven in the cove. Got it, yeah. So, all these men are coming over, bringing crowds to your island. That must have been a mess for you all, where you'd been so accustomed to living in harmony with nature and peace. How did you adapt to that situation? Well, we didn't adapt.

I attempted to do the most peaceful yet pushy approach possible with these men. And I gave them the cold shoulder. Now, I'm guessing that when a witch gives someone the cold shoulder, that is not a figure of speech. No. So, this was the shoulder away from the oven. Yes. And so, when I gave the cold shoulder, well, my sisters naturally felt it and joined me. So, now there was a circle of cold children. Children, plural. I forget that you self-proclaimed witches have to pluralize using Old English tenses. Yes. So, this Arctic wave is emanating from the children of the Wiccan women.

W-O-M-Y-N. That's, thank you. W-O-M-Y-N. Say it again. Womyn. Beautiful. Thanks again for participating in the harmony experiment. So, there we were. It had happened. And I wouldn't even, I mean, I feel like you're hyping this up to create some kind of good versus evil. We were just reacting in the moment. We offered the cold shoulder as a peaceful, we don't want you here. We do not want your overt actions happening. And yet, it was that gathering of the coldness that spawned the only worldwide snowstorm that has ever existed in the history of the globe. And that's what sent the National Guard.

You know, nobody's even sure to this day what happened. The snowstorm was so heavy so quickly. It was just a whirl of white data. Now, you've got National Guards arriving on all sides of this island. But one of the members of the inflatable dinghies, all of whom were enrolled in the military, perceived that the witches had given up the land and had moved toward the cove. It was lead guitarist John Davidson who rushed forward with an American flag and planted it right in the center of your coven's home base and proclaimed that land for the United States of America.

And I, for one, Claire, say God bless Lieutenant Davidson. God bless that rocking guitar soloist. But you can't just come to an island where people have already taken ownership and plant a flag and now say it's yours. That's just not how things work. You say that, but if I can just unfold this Rand McNally Atlas of the World. Yes. This is the newest edition as of last week. Right. All right. So let's zoom in. You're zooming in on the paper. Claire, if I look here, I see which island with the United States flag. Yeah. So you say they can't do it, but they did it.

Yeah. But Dan, see, here's the thing. So now they're claiming which island, our own off island that we had previously claimed as theirs. And they tax us, you know, which is like what we're not bringing in any money. We live off of coconuts and dead souls. I mean, do they provide any services? No. They take our money, but they provide no services. So how are we part of the United States? We don't even get to vote. That's the American way, Claire. Oh, I guess we are part of America. The Expertise, spelled wrong, podcast is free. And like the Amish, all are welcome.

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