The Doppelganger Expertease

Uh, hello? Hello? Clare, are you alright? This is your podcast partner, Danno, and you sound like something is terribly amiss. I'm so sorry, Danno. I just, uh, we've got a situation in the office. Can you get down here? Hold, please. Uh, Clare, I just checked in with my wife. I can't get down there. I have to stay home with the kids. I'm sorry. What's going on? Danno, it's your kids. Hold, please. Oh my god, Clare, I am at home, and there is a situation going on. I don't know where my kids are. Can you get down here right away, please? I'll get down there right away, Danno.

Hold, please. And so they both left from the places they were, without seeing each other, only to arrive at the places the other had just left. Hello, Clare? Danno, where are you? I'm here at your home with your kids. Oh, I thought I just found my kids here in the office. Who are these doppelgangers? That's the problem I was having earlier. We've got a doppelganging problem in our office. Oh, no. Is it sibling on sibling crime? I wish it was only sibling. Everything has been doppled by a gang. There's a doppelgang, and they're hanging out in our front porch.

On both of your front porches? And they're just doppling everything. Well, Clare, I'm looking at, this is so confusing. This is like walking into an M.C. Escher painting. I don't even know who I am right now. There's 16 of me in my office. I don't know where you are right now, but 15 of you are here right now, having been doppelganged, and doppelganged, and doppelganged again. Danno, we need to get, we need to, I mean, how do you come against a gang? We need to get some kind of officers, gang-affiliated officers. All right. Clare, hold on. I'm going to call the TSA.

Okay. Hello, this is the Transportation Security Association. I'm sorry, I was calling for tobacco, firearms, and alcohol. The TSA? Yes, I'm sorry, I have a lisp. Could you patch me through? I can patch you over there, sir. Please, quickly. It's an emergency. Would you mind if I pat you down first, virtually? Man, these Zoom calls are getting more realistic all the time. Whoa! Hey, hey, hey, hey! All right, sir, nothing of interest. I'll patch you through. Hello, TBA? Hi, yeah, this is Tobacco Firearms Association. This is Danno Seller. Hick! Sounds like you've been drinking, sir.

Just confiscating some evidence for the good of the nation. Sir, if you could help me, please. There is a serious emergency going on. I'm calling from Expertise Podcast Headquarters. No, I'm not. Folks and I, we listen to that every Sunday night. Oh. Around the fire where we burn confiscated firearms. You listen to our traditional Sunday night podcast. That's nice. That's for families. We leave out all the curse words. I highly appreciate it. We have very traditional family values. We smoke tobacco, we shoot firearms, and we associate. So with that understanding, I'm sure you'll want to help combat the crime that's going on here at the Expertise Podcast office.

Crime! I don't know if it's a crime or not, sir, but we have a gang of doppels here that are running rampant through the place. There's another one. There are now multiple exit doors, and I don't even know which one will get me out of here. You're looking for a gang? You're looking for Officer Gangbusters? If you could patch me through to Officer Gangbusters, I'd really appreciate that. Hello, Claire, are you still there? Danno. I'm on hold with— I'm hiding. I'm hanging in the closet. Why are you in the closet? Your children have doppled. Oh, again? You know I don't like kids to begin with.

And now there are so many. It's like having elephants in the walls. Listen, Claire, I'm on hold with BTO on the other line. Are you taking care of business? They are taking care of business. You ain't seen nothing yet. So as soon as Officer Gangbusters comes on the line, I'm sure he's going to be able to solve everything. Just before you hang up, I just feel like, you know, this is a really serious situation that we found ourselves in. You're telling me. I feel like we should have a plan for if both of us expire, what's going to happen to expertise. Right.

We've never even talked about what our plans are. Yeah, Claire, you're absolutely right. We've got all this footage, hundreds of hours of unaired expertises. I mean, just going down this list right now, we've got the ship-in-the-bottle expertise, the origami expertise, the locked-out-of-the-house expertise. That's invaluable footage that really should be going to my children upon our demise. But see, Dan, I don't agree with that. I don't want our podcast to go to your children. I don't like your children. And I don't think it's fair that just because you have children that the expertise they get to inherit it.

Well, I know you don't like my children, Claire, but look at it this way. There are so many of them now that if you could distribute the same amount of like that you have for my two kids amongst these 28, 56. Oh, my gosh. Kids of mine. That's the same amount of like, but only a tiny little sliver of like for each individual child. Doesn't that do your heart good? Dan, that is the most backward math I've ever heard of. Did you learn that from little Bopsy, the Ricketts-infused child, which I still don't understand why you infuse some of your children with Ricketts.

It was not intentional, Claire. Well, I just feel like sometimes you take your old homey values, you know, your 1800 values too far. I mean, that's part of why your children are annoying. They speak in oldie English. They're always churning butter. Always. Every time I see any of them. Some people appreciate that, Claire. Some people appreciate fresh butter, home jarred pickles, treadle-powered electricity. Yeah, but I mean, for a week maybe for a technology break. But your kids, they smell like sour milk and they're sweaty from constantly peddling to provide electricity for your home.

What can I do but apologize, Claire? Well, you cannot give our show to them. All right. Upon our deaths, which are imminent if Officer Gangbusters doesn't get here. Let me check in real quick with Officer Gangbusters and to see if he's online. Testing, testing. It's this damn phone. There's not enough power to generate a connection to the BLT headquarters. You know, Dan, I'm just going to say it. Thank God you've got 24 children right now. We need those doppelgangers to gang up on the treadles. Officer? Right, how can I help you? Oh, thank goodness. A stout Scottish officer to protect us.

Thanks for assuming I'm stout. Officer Gangbusters, I really need some physical protection, but you sound like a man of years in wisdom. Can I just ask you for some personal advice real quick? All right, sure. Sir, here's the situation. Right. My children are doubling by the minute. My podcast partner, you know, she's real salt of the earth and sweet as can be. But she doesn't like two of my children, much less, we're up to 176 now. What I'm asking you, sir, would it be better for me to somehow destroy all but the two original children or to sever my work relationship with my podcast partner?

All right. Okay. You've got what's known in Scotland as a Wayne problem. A what problem? I'm sorry? Wayne. You've got a problem with your Waynes multiplying. The Waynes. Right. Right. Right. So what we do here is up in the north country, we've got some workhouses. Oh. So we'll take them. That's what we do at Gangbusting. We bust up them gangs. That's the thing. With the Waynes up in the workhouse. Yeah. So could you clear out the children and the gangs all at the same time, sir? Oh, like wee rats on a toady boat. I don't understand your slang in the slightest, so I'm just going to take that for a yes.

You see, officer, once a week, my podcast partner, Claire, and I, we try to have these business calls where we talk about the future of the podcast and how things are going. I'm not so much for emotional bile pumping, but I will be happy to take your Waynes on a toady boat up to the workhouse. All right. North of Aberdeen. Yeah. Where they can be put to good use with other doppelgangers. That's how we bust the doppelgangers. Is this a public service or do I have to pay? Oh, you will pay, son. I know I'll pay emotionally. No, you'll pay in hard cash. So that's my question.

Is this tax funded or am I going to have to run this by my podcast partner? No, this will be in sterling. Hold please. Claire? Yeah. How's it going? They're pounding on the closet door. Yeah, I know. I can hear them. They're like Shakespearean monkeys. I just hear them pounding on the closet like monkeys with typewriters. I know. It's like they're pounding out Hamlet in Morse code. Oh, hang on. Officer. Hey. We are short on sterling, but I could hook you up with an original Shakespeare manuscript. No. No English. Claire? Yeah. How's it going, Danny? Yeah. This guy is a real stickler.

Do you think you could get our doppelganger children to type in Scottish? Danny, why don't you just pay him? He wants sterling, Claire. I'm stuck in a closet with hundreds of your children. Just pay the man. Officer. Hey. We're no longer able to pay in sterling. I understand you don't want my Shakespearean manuscript. Hold on, please. It was right in the middle of a bagpipe practice. Claire, if you need to talk about anything, it looks like I've got about 30 minutes to spare. What? Why? What's happening? Bagpipe practice. Oh, great. Do you want to listen? Yeah, I wouldn't mind.

Follow me. I'm on hold. Love it. Officer. Officer. Hello. Officer, as payment for your services, I think I have the perfect solution. Would you accept this gift card to Bagpipes Are Us, located north of Aberdeen and open seven days a week? Oh, that's a good exchange. I wouldn't mind at all. Officer. We're located at the corner of Pavement Avenue and 7th Avenue. Yep. So this is, it's really getting just frightening here, between the gangs and the multiplying children. Claire, are you still on hold with me? Dan. Quick, let's get out of here before the BLT arrives. Let's flee for safety and leave the children and the gangs here to be taken care of by the professionals.

I'm all for it. Oh my gosh, I can see the toady boat. Okay, I'm out of here. Come on. All right, talk to you next week. Okay, bye Dan-o.