Double Datin’ with the ExperTeam

Warning, this is not the Expertise podcast. This is an illegally recorded phone conversation about the Expertise podcast. By listening, you are a party to that illegality. And that's the best kind of party there is. Hello, thank you for calling. Oh my gosh, Danno, let me call back. I'm sorry, but you have to do better. Hang on just a second. We got the new script from the phone answering company. Yeah. You know, they said to increase business, we should really answer the phone professionally. Yes. And I was doing it the old-fashioned way. Right. Just add living.

But I've got the script here. You don't have to call again. Okay. Can I just start over? Sure. Thank goodness it was you though, right? I know. A-ba-ring, a-ba-ring. Thank you for calling the offices of Expertise podcast where knowledge is power. This is Danno Sullivan, your phone answerer. Danno, no, this is, it's too long. Can't we just say good afternoon, Expertise? Oh, okay. You answer the phone then. Okay. A-ba-ring, a-ba-ring. Good afternoon. Oh, shoot. I spoke before I picked it up. This is hard. Thank you for calling, Claire. How may I help you today? Yes. Danno, you know, it's almost springtime and we had promised ourselves last year that we were going to have a company spring festival.

You know, like a holiday, a day where the company has a picnic and celebrates, but it's like, it's on the, it's on the company dime. You know, it's a real party to celebrate Expertise, to celebrate spring. I love that. I am delighted that the company is willing to pick that up. Yeah. It's been my experience that when the company picks up the check for something, that it actually winds up coming out of our checks. Is that right? Have you gotten any checks? I have not gotten any checks since we started the podcast. I'll have to check. They say, we're just covering expenses and that comes out of your check.

I don't know, Danno. I mean, I feel like it's worth it, right? I mean, what's money for, but things like what you would spend it on. Yeah. It's for things that you would buy, right? Right. Right. And I would certainly buy, you know, spring picnic, corporate office day of celebration. I think it would be great for Esprit de Corps. Is she still working for us? Oh yeah. She handles the checks. Well, that explains a lot, doesn't it? I know you haven't seen Fernando in quite some time. It's been a year. Has it been that long? Yeah. And you're doing days and he's doing nights now.

Is that intentional? It is. Our counselor suggested it. I hope you don't mind. I've been putting our counseling sessions, I've been charging to the company. Coming out of my check too. Yeah. Fair is fair. You know, we're in this together and for a penny and for a pound. Will that be weird for you to see Fernando at a spring picnic? Yeah, actually Danno, you're right. It will be kind of awkward, but I mean, isn't that part of the whole sort of melange of a corporate office hijinks? We all get together on that one day and let the awkward fly. Yeah. I don't mind saying, Claire, I've taken a little bit of a fancy to that esprit de corps.

Oh, goodness. Let's get around the water cooler. All right. Well, let's not talk about all our personal stuff. Okay. I think that springtime sounds delightful. Okay. I'll go out and hire some baby bunnies and baby birds. Yes. Oh my gosh. I mean, that's so important. That's important to the sort of feeling of the event. And we want people to just feel uplifted and hopeful for the year to come. For office staff, right? This is not open to the public. No, no. It's just for you and me, Fernando and Esprit. Oh, all right. So could we call it a double date and just go to the movies or something?

Well, I mean, that's not quite the same as having, oh, it's the office party. It almost sounds to me, Claire, like you'd like to get back with Fernando and you don't want the pressure of it being a date night that by calling it a spring party, everybody there, that takes the pressure off for you two. Whatever your devious mind has to warp around about. What I'm asking for is just an afternoon office party that would have champagne. Champagne. And maybe some like little private rooms where people could go and bunnies. That was the reason we had to send Fernando to the night shift in the first place.

You know, at any given time, we could walk into the office and va, va, voom, Claire and Fernando. Well, that was back when we were for Claire Doe. I forgot that the newspapers had named you. That really was. That was kind of the glory days for the PR for the podcast when your romances were covered by the headlines. We're not there anymore. You're not for Claire Doe. No, that is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about good, wholesome American office fun where you just have a picnic. Let's say like there's a blanket on the ground and maybe a mattress just to make it comfortable and the champagne you mentioned and the champagne and some chapstick.

And then we're good for the afternoon. And I'm just, I'm just going down the list here. There have been some expense billets offered recently for reimbursement. Fernando's Silk and Pajamas. Fernando's Red Heart Plushie. Fernando's Bon Bons. I don't know if that's a euphemism or if that's actually French chocolates. Oh, if those are French chocolates. I guess it was a euphemism. Just going down the pages alphabetically there, there's 26 on this page that start with Fernando. We had said when we started this podcast that we wanted to emulate a type of universal health care between the two of us.

We felt that health care for everyone involved, which was you and me, would be very important. Right. And we created an extensive health care plan. And what is covered is extensive and rightly so, I think. I mean, we have to have the right mental attitude to interview guests. Right. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Thank you. But you've got something listed here as romantic health. I don't even know what that means, Claire. Well, if you look under Bon Bons, you'll start to see. Oh. If you don't think romantic, I mean, we can relook at our health care plan, Dano.

I mean, if you want me to be a dried up prune and if that's what you want the guests to see. That's not what I'm saying at all. You're putting words in my mouth like so many Bon Bons. Hold on. Let me get my nun's habit on. All right, Claire. I'll meet you halfway. I'll go on a double date with you and Fernando. I do not think that it's fair to have the entire podcast budget allotted to your romantic whims. Oh, can we have a balloon arch? Yes. You know what? Okay. Here, let me grab today's paper. Down at the AMC Theater, balloon arch two is showing this afternoon.

You want to go? Yeah, I do. This afternoon? Yeah. Okay. All right. Even though I don't think we should pay for a spring fling, I do think that we can pay for tickets out of the romance budget. For romantic health. So, we'll meet at the theater. Maybe, could you send Fernando an email saying that he has to go? Yes. That's great, Claire. That is the way romance wants to happen in today's age, is as a command from your boss. Great. Okay. So, Fernando will meet us there. I need to talk with Esprit de Corps. You know how you get sort of jittery around somebody that you fancy and I haven't really ever said anything to her except, could you get that corner a little cleaner, please?

Would you like me to send her an email telling her it's part of her day's duty? She has to go? Perfect. Yeah. And that way, she and Fernando can show up early and you and I can meet and go down together. Right. Perfect. Yeah. I'll wear a red carnation so you know who I am. Danno, I've had a change of heart. No, no, no, Claire. Don't say that. I've been dying to see balloon arch. I'm starting to feel enlightened, Danno. That it's wrong to force people to pretend that they like you for short periods of time? Well, I'm just questioning it. I'm not willing to go out on a limb and judge myself because that's not good for my mental health.

But I am considering that maybe it's not the best. So. What if we just invited them? What if we didn't force them but we actually invited them to come? Could we invite them when it's office hours so they would be enticed but not forced? If what you want is true romance, Claire, and that is the spirit of spring. Right, right. I think you do have to go out on a limb. You don't have to reveal the depth of your emotion to Fernando. I know that he's kind of a cold fish sometimes. Hang on just a second. Here we go. I'm going down the expenses list. F. Fernando, F. Bonbons, F. Fernando loves hot buttered popcorn, Claire.

That's one of our biggest expenses. What if you just invite him down for a little hot buttered popcorn that happens to be in the aisle seven of the movie theater for Balloon Arch 2? It's a little bit underhanded because you're taunting him. You're teasing him. He's a grown person. He can make his own decisions. To go for the buttery popcorn that he loves or to stay behind and clean up the offices. I don't think it's much of a choice. Up to him. Claire, I think you're going to be happier in the long run if you invite Fernando with words, with popcorn, and with true honesty in your heart to join you.

Let's call it a date. Let's call it a date. All right, Dano. I'll try it. I'll try this crazy notion that you've got. But do you want me to tell the spree that she has to be there? No, no. We're going to stay here and make out in the office. Okay, perfect.