The Clare’s Dental Work Expertease

Clare, hello? Yes, I'm here. Important. The bottom has dropped out. We are out of funds to fund the podcast. Oh my gosh. And where there are no funds, there's no fun. Duhs. Are you saying duh like of course? Duhs. I'm finishing the word for you. Oh, there's no fun? Duhs. Funds. All right, good. I'm putting the duhs in fun. This is the kind of ha-cha-cha teamwork that we need to bring back. We've lost our zip, we've lost our audience, and we've lost our funding. Danno, that's it. We need to do a podcast from a zip line. They're really popular right now. People love them. It's danger, it's excitement, it's not...

But how can we both be on one zip line at the same time? Oh. Parallel zip lines, Clare, come on. Think big, think big, think big. So we could be recording an Expertise guest on a zip line. Which would be great, except we're just going to zip past the microphone and there'll only be these little one-second clips that we can use. I feel like I'm being the negative one here, but Clare, that's not a good idea. Okay. Well, if you put it that way, it makes me feel good. Let's work with it for just a second. First of all, if we lack fun... Yeah. I was waiting for you to finish my word for me. If we lack fun...

Duhs. Yes, thank you. How are we going to pay to build parallel zip lines in the first place? Oh my gosh, you're right, you're right. Do you think we could do like a crowd-sourced fundraiser for parallel zip lines, or is it just... Dana, you've given me another idea. Zip lines are yesterday. You know what we're going to do? Duhs. We're going to do Podcast Everywhere. Have you ever heard of Improv Everywhere? No, I don't know a thing about it. Oh, Improv Everywhere is like you could just be at a nice park in New York, having a little picnic with a friend.

Yeah. And then suddenly people are singing and dancing all around you. You mean doing improv singing and dancing? But it's rehearsed improv, which I don't understand. Oh, that's the best kind of improv, where you know what to expect. And suddenly they're in your tea and in your sandwiches and jumping around on your picnic table. But you have to love it because it's improv everywhere. They surround you, and then after your picnic is decimated, they run off to do it on the subway. They sound like fairies. Yeah, fey people. Just appearing and disappearing and doing a little magic while they're here.

Yes. How do we work this into our benefit to raise some more fun? You're right, you're right. But I was just thinking, people talk about it all the time, that if we were podcast everywhere, if we just showed up at somebody's picnic and started podcasting on their food. Okay, you be on a picnic and I'll try. This Napoleon pastry is absolutely delicious. Could you pass the Prosecco? I'm your guest host, Dan O'Sullivan. I hope you're sure enjoying my podcast that I brought to you. Don't cry, Henrietta. Pretend to enjoy it. That's what the hip people do. Now, do I ask for money at this point, Claire?

Is that how it works? Well, no. Oh, you're right. You know what? Improv everywhere doesn't get money. No, it's got the fun, but it hasn't got the fun. Duh. Thank you. Okay, okay. Let's podcast everywhere is over. All right. And it didn't make us any money. I liked your enthusiasm and I like that you're willing to consider new ideas. Right. But what we need is, I don't know, an investor. I don't want an investor. That feels cheap. How about English orphans? I like where you're going, even though I don't understand. Well, instead of paying any staff, we could get some orphans from 1800s England to be our interns.

I think I'm getting it. All right. So you'll be on a picnic. Oh, absolutely. Please pass me the flaky bottomed hazelnut torte top. Pardon me, lady. Have you got a tuppence for the podcast, eh? Is that how it works? Yeah. Actually, that works pretty great. I don't know if they should ask for tuppence. Well, on a picnic, people would have tupperware. There might be some overlap, you know? Right. Okay. Yeah. We could then sell it. So let's, on the whiteboard there, will you just do three columns? Yes, no, maybe? Yeah. Yes. Claire, I can hear your stomach rumbling. Sorry.

I haven't had any Napoleon pastries today. All right. So in no, let's put parallel zip lines. Parallel zip lines. Is there two L's in parallel? Yes, there's a pair of L's in parallel. Pair of L's. What do we decide about podcast anywhere? Is that a yes or a no or a maybe? That's a no. There's no way to make money off of it. I mean, we do get to annoy people. Yeah, there's a lot to be said for that. But let's put that in the fun category, not the funds category. Right. And I feel like we do a lot of annoying just with the podcast anyway. That's true. Just existing.

Don't necessarily need to go to the park. So do we have something in the yes column yet? No, not yet, Dano. Oh, okay. So let's put nothing in the yes column and the no column. Okay. How do we make money at that? Well, that's why it's in the no column. What about telemarketing? Oh, you know, Claire, the first job I ever had was as a telemarketer. Is that right? So I worked for the, it wasn't the actual police, but they wanted you to make the people that you called think you were calling from the police. Oh, dear. It was something like the policeman's fraternal union helper.

Oh, yes. That's the PFUG. That's right. I'm calling from PFUG. Yeah. And they would say, I beg your pardon. And I'd say, PFUG. And they'd say, I beg your pardon. You know, PFUG. Yeah. I'm liking this so far. So my point is, even though nobody wants a telemarketer to call and nobody wants to give money over the telephone, if we could somehow associate ourselves with a respectable organization, you know, like the Shriners and the circus. I don't think we're very good at making money, Dano. No. You know what would be good? It's the opposite of telemarketing. This was big in the 90s.

There were all those hotline numbers that you could call and get your fortune read or get your horoscope. Yes. And they would charge by the minute for the phone call. Right. So we're doing this podcast thing backwards, Claire. That's right. We're sending out the sound of our voices for free. Well, Dano, I've always loved our commitment to education for people. There is that. There is that. I like the idea of privatizing an expert hotline. Well, you know what? I think people love our show because there's so much knowledge. We drop the knowledge bombs. But there's a certain amount of lighthearted merriment.

Sure. Some of our guests. Yeah. Don't get me started. I know. Some are a lot more fun than others. Yeah. So maybe what we can do, Claire, is stay true to our commitment to bring education to the masses and make the knowledge portion of the podcasts free for everyone always. But for those who enjoy the lighthearted merriment aspects of the show, we'll take those out and they're only available by paid phone call. It's slightly complicated. It feels to me like the best money-making schemes are obvious and easy. Okay. Put it in the maybe column. I'll put it in the maybe.

I'll put it in the maybe. Also, you know, we recently installed the cocktail vending machine. And I've noticed that we haven't had a lot of guests, but the liquor level. Yeah. Is that you drawing black lines on the water cooler? That's me. I have been drawing the level lines. That may account actually for the deficit in our budget. Those water coolers are huge. And to fill one up with absinthe, I don't know. I feel like it cost almost $1,000 last time. That's a lot per week. Do you think the servants are coming in and drinking the liquor after hours? Or is it just evaporating?

Well, you know, maybe this is my fault, but I told the folks that clean our place to help themselves to libations. Oh, oh, oh. I like a happy crew. Yes, but I don't like a sleeping crew. And I have noticed coming in in the mornings, Mary, Kim, Louise, Trevor, and Ferdinand. Yes. All asleep on the couch. Having dreams of the green fairy. Yeah, maybe that's a simple fix. What if we just took off the free libations sign? Yeah, I think we can't have a free cocktail vending machine. And even the money that we're spending on signage for all these warnings to the cleanup crew.

Yes. We have like, I'm looking around, 15 or 20 signs instructing people what to touch, what not to touch, what to drink, what not to drink. Right. The sheets of paper and the ink used for the lettering. Well, and I didn't have to frame them. I think that was part of the problem. Yeah. They do look so nice, though, those walnut frames. Oh, they look so good. Yeah. Is that actual vintage glass? Yes. Well, I love that sort of bubbly speckled effect. Yeah, it gives a real nice feeling to the place. Thanks. Yeah, I mean, that's worth something, right? In fact, it's worth a lot.

Let's charge those people who are coming into our office and observing our beauty for free. Almost like it's like a museum or something. A museum of warning signs. Yeah, with what used to be free cocktail dispenser in the corner. We'll need a warning sign that says, this used to be free, but it's not anymore. But I feel like now every sign we make, instead of being a cost, is a moneymaker in itself. That's right. It's a new exhibit in the museum. Claire, move this into the yes column. It's in the yes, and I've already framed it. Look. I probably shouldn't have the framers on call like this, because that also costs a little bit extra.

Are they on retainer? Yeah. Or is it an hourly fee for them just to be present? Not only that, I did charge expertise for my retainer. Oh, your dental work, Claire. Yeah. But that's important. It really affects your speaking voice. And I want people to have a good impression when they see me. The only thing is, with all the headgear that's attached to your retainer, it does give you sort of a creepy futuristic robot look. And I'm afraid if we ever do Podcast Everywhere, there's going to be screaming, terrified youngsters at those picnics. Oh, that's a healthy fear.

I mean, I know I look like a monster right now, but Dano, it's like I've had to have my jaw reshaped and my upper lip removed in order to make room for my extra teeth. I have to say, Claire, it's always been one of your more endearing attributes that you have a second row of teeth like a shark. I think it's probably good for your health and good for our front-facing persona for you to have them removed. Yeah. But I'm going to miss that. I'm going to miss having to throw you those hunks of hard mahogany to gnaw on. Well, you know, that'll also save us money for frames because I've probably gone through about six of them.

Yeah, we can reuse all that non-chewed mahogany for picture frames. Right. Yeah. Oh, this is actually coming around to make some sense for our budget. Claire, I don't want to get all soppy with you, but I feel like sometimes we start off, you know, in a really negative position. And if we just talk about it for a few minutes, I feel like we almost always come to a good solution. I so appreciate your added... Easy, easy. Oh, good God. Teeth and saliva all over the microphone, Claire. Come on. Come on. I got it. Claire, move back away from the microphone, please.

All right. That's our biggest expense right there. And I think you've just ruined it for future recordings. Is that the sound of you tightening your headgear? Yes. I got it. I got it. That was a close one. Gosh, I felt like even as I was watching, I could see some of your incisors growing through the roof of your mouth. Yeah, it's a problem. I mean, it was great for those years when I was... When we were doing the video podcast. Yeah, I mean, that added visual excitement. People would tune in just to leave comments. Yeah. Well, so we put a lot in the negative column today.

Right. And we put a lot in the middle column. Well, and I think, Daniel, the big takeaway for us is we need to get ahead of the fun game. You know, we always seem to be... We have to have emergency meetings. We need to get ahead of this ball so that... We've talked about hiring somebody. I think Fernando has a brother who's an accountant. Oh. Well, I... Would we even consider that? We'd have to cut down on mahogany, for one thing, and signage. Well, that's not... We don't know what we would have to cut down. And that's why you bring in an expert. You're right. Why don't we just have a guest and we get free expert advice?

You've hit the nail on the head. All right. So we're going to start booking experts. We'll bring in like an accountant, a patent attorney, finance manager, a patent attorney. A fundraiser. A fundraiser and a patent attorney. Yes. I really want a patent attorney. Yeah. No. Do you have some ideas for patents? No. That's why I need a patent attorney. Right. To give me some of those ideas. Right, right, right. Maybe a farmer. You know, we could raise our own food. We'd stop spending money on snacks. Right. Although now I feel like we're going to that thing that's not actually connected to money, which is what our problem is.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. A dentist. Can we just have a dentist? No. See, again, Dano. Like Dano. Flight of fancy. That's a flight of fancy. We need a CFO. I do not appreciate that kind of language. It's the language of money. So we'll bring in a financial specialist as an unpaid guest on our next podcast episode. Now we're talking. Ask him all the direct personal questions that we need to solve our personal problems. Yes. Don't even record it. No, no. We won't record it. What we'll do is we'll offer him some links in the show notes, but there won't be any show notes. Oh, this is great.

This is really great. Okay. I think we finally are thinking like people that make money. We're talking like success bags. And that's a big part of it is, you know, that optimistic outlook. Can we do this? Yes, we can. That's the way. Are we going to have fun? Duh. Yes, we are. All right, Claire. Talk to you soon. Okay. Good job, Dano. Wait, were you replaced by a robot? Oh, well, that was just you tightening your braces again.