The Haunted Outhouse Expertease

Warning, this is not the Expertise podcast. This is an illegally recorded phone conversation about the Expertise podcast. By listening, you are a party to that illegality. And that's the best kind of party there is. Oh, hi Clare. Oh, Danno. You know we do these weekly calls where we get together and talk about how the show is going, about maintaining the offices and all that business stuff behind a podcast. Am I on all of these calls? It's either you or my podcast partner, Clare Sera. Yeah, I was wondering if I could be included in all the calls. I prefer for you to be here on the call.

Otherwise, I just feel like I'm speaking into the void. Yeah. Honestly, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. I don't want to freak you out. Right. Clare, when I'm sometimes alone in the offices late at night, I literally hear voices from the void. I'm not on the call. I'm not on the computer. I'm not on the phone. But there are these ethereal voices that I can hear as if from another realm, a spectral place. And I got to say, in this old building, late at night, it's freaking me out. Well, I did have a portal installed. Is this from Johnny on the Spot?

One of those portals? Remember when we were doing some renovations? Yes. And for the workers, you have to... You're required by law to provide the... A portal potty. All right. So these are just the crying voices of all the people that have pooped in the past? Because that feels supernatural, but I mean super natural in the good sense. It's a very natural thing that everybody, corporeal or spirit, have to do. And I meant to confess to that. It's just it was cheaper to get a portal potty than a porta potty. And in the moment, you weren't at the office. I don't know where you were that day.

But I had to sign the invoice. So I'm not completely clear what's happening here. You're implying that it's spirits pooping in the portal potty. What I thought was happening was that it was the spectral voices of past poopers. Gosh, maybe this needs some inspection. I'm trying to clarify the difference here. Of living, human, current people that have pooped and passed on. Of people who have both passed and passed on. But when pooping, we're alive. So that's my question. Is it past poopers or is it current spirits? What did you sign for, Claire? Hold on. Let me look up the contract.

I'm pretty sure that Rebecca puts those under C for crazy, spooky things that are happening around the office. That's right. It is. It's right here under C. Okay. Let's see. I signed up with Jake's Portal Potties. Jake is very reliable. They're the number one company in the number two business. And let's see. There are three types of portal potties. You can get void and go. Again, it's this double meaning. Is it void the bowels or is it creatures from the void? Well, it's void into the void. Okay. So it feels like if we'd ordered that, gosh, no matter what the price, that seems like a bargain.

I did get that one and I'm so upset. I didn't really look at the small print. I mean, it was a really rough day at the office. Fernando was having one of his moods. Okay. You don't need to say a single word more. I know things are tense between you and Fernando. I don't even want to talk about it. I feel like sending him to the portal potty sometimes. That's all that I'm saying. Be careful what you wish for, Claire. When we're dealing with the supernatural, these casual utterances have a way of coming to pass, if you know what I mean. Well, that's right here in the small print.

No casual utterances while voiding into the void. Claire, that's pretty much all we do is make casual utterances. Well, sometimes that can help the voiding process. Yeah. So I did order void to void 2,000. Well, sounds up to date at least. It's the shiniest cheapest of the three. Okay. Isn't that ironic that the cheapest would be the shiniest? I mean, it just, it says tacky, doesn't it? It's true. It speaks to our culture. Our societal culture or do you mean the culture around the office? I feel like we've worked hard to overcome sort of that reputation of the past owners of the tackiness.

I mean, when Expertise was run by podcast giant, Podcast Inc, it was a low-end, low-rent podcast. And we've done a lot to spiff it up. And if we've made one mistake of getting the low-end portal potty, cut yourself some slack is all I'm saying. Well, I appreciate that compassion, but I'm also seeing here in the small print subsection 2, we can't remove it. Oh, ever? Well, I mean, it's going to be expensive because it requires an entire coven to come in and perform a removal. Oh, this is tricky. Yeah. Do you know any biddies? Oh, yeah. I know Coven 362. Oh, they're loaded with biddies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're the little biddies. Yeah, they are. At this age, a lot of them are very small. They have lost a lot of height due to osteoporosis. Yeah. And that's, you know, witchcraft only goes so far. It doesn't go very far at all, to be honest, from what I've seen with the little biddies. And to be honest, I think that they're in the business of portal potty removal for the money. Do we care why they're doing it as long as they'll do it? No, no. And they will do it. I get their flyer each week. You know, most homes don't have a portal potty. Right.

But they offer the biddy bidet service just for ordinary households. You know, I'm starting to wish that I'd gone with that instead. Did the voices say anything to you, Dano? Was there anything like threatening? I mean, some of these things can be used in the removal process. Well, if it's threatening, is there anything legal we could do? Well, I mean, depends on the threat. I think there is. What I heard was just a voice kept saying, I'm in here or occupied. Did you try opening? Here's the thing. I knocked three times. I sort of feel like by knocking three times in a very rigid rhythm, I sort of feel like that may have stirred up the supernatural ethereal effects accidentally.

You know, I see what you're saying. I should have tried the door. I should. Yeah. It's not too late. I'm calling in from home, Claire. Are you at the offices now? I am at the office. Yeah. Yeah. You wanna just... I think I can find Fernando to go with me because I'm a little bit afraid. I mean, suppose it's a spectral kind of being. I would like to have the broad shoulders of Fernando behind me to open that door, to be there when the door is... Fernando? He's not around. Claire, do you think he's been whisked away to the void? No, I think he's whisked away to everything bagel down the street on Pavement Avenue.

That is one of his tasks, besides cleaning up around the office, as he provides the snacks for the board meetings each week. I mean, okay, but he's supposed to be at the offices when I'm here alone. You know, he knows I get nervous and I'm naturally skittish. Claire, it may be up to you to be the broad shoulders for Fernando. For God's sake, woman, get to that outhouse. All right. Open that door and let's see what the... Oh, I almost said it. Heck is going on in there. Okay. All right. Okay, I'm coming up to it. I think it's rattling a little bit. I think it's moving.

No. The thing is, I shouldn't be able to open it from the outside. I mean, that's a very disturbing aspect of the portal potty if anyone could just come up and open it while you're inside. Yeah. Oh, wait, wait. Of course, we have the office master key. Okay, perfect. Hold on. I'm just going to run back to my desk. Grab that. Where did I... Where do I have that? What would that be filed under? I think it's under C. Oh, it's... Okay. No, I don't mean under the letter C, Claire. I mean, it's actually under C. I got mad at you last week and I took your keys and threw them into the ocean.

I'm sorry. I mean, it's perfectly understandable, but I'm just not sure. I keep a spare master key in the safe, Claire. Oh, okay. So, you'll just need to use your master key to open that up. You know, the sun's going down over here by the office. I don't know what time it is at your house. The sun's going down. I live literally in the apartment above the office, Claire. I think the sun sets about a billionth of a second before it does for you. Yeah, the sun is getting close to setting. That does make it feel a little spooky around the office. Yeah, I'm feeling...

All right, Claire. I just wish Fernando was here. I haven't seen him for days. All you need to do is walk over, knock three times. If no one answers, it's empty of spirits of person. And hopefully of poop. So, you just open that door. Okay. Hey, do you have that extendable opening device? Remember when your back was out and you couldn't pick things up from the floor? Yeah. I use it for picking things up from the floor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was great when I was in my flooring business with a bad back. Yes. All right. Yeah, it's under C. In this case, the letter C.

The letter C. For can pick up things. Perfect. I got it. I've got it. Okay, that gives me, you know, a two and a half foot span of safety. It'll extend, Claire, to three feet. Oh, that's about the size of Fernando's right shoulder. I'm feeling better. Okay, you're stalling. Let's open that door. Okay. Nothing. Go ahead and open. Surprise. Surprise. Oh my gosh. Oh my goodness. Look who it is. There's Fernando. Fernando, have you been in here for days? Hey, look who's here. Here's Otis. The bitties. Oh my gosh, the little bitties. Yes, all of them are here. Oh, you guys. Oh, I can't believe it.

It is so close to Halloween. We all decided it would just be a fun little thing to do a surprise for you. Kind of freak you out a little bit. It did freak me out. It did freak me out. It did freak me out. It did freak me out. It did freak me out. It did freak me out. It did freak me out. It did freak me out. It did freak me out. All right, give Fernando a big kiss. Oh, Fernando. Well that was definitely a wonderful surprise, Daniel. Thank you so much. Clara, this has been the best call ever. Would you guys mind leaving while I just ... That surprise really moved some things around.

I'm going to just step into the ... for a minute. Talk to you soon. Bye.