Poison at the Expertease Offices???

Hello, Expertise Offices, Danno Sullivan answering the phones today. Thanks for calling. Oh my gosh, Danno, it's Clare, Sera, your podcast partner. Oh, Clare, it's time for our business meeting. I always forget about these. This is the wrong number. Hang on, Clare, I just need to put into my calendar. Okay. Add meetings with Clare to calendar. Got it. Wrong number, you say? Who were you trying to call? I was trying to call the offices at Expertise. No, no, I must have mispronounced it somehow. This is, you've reached the offices of Expertise. No, the auspices. Oh, this office falls under the auspices of Expertise. You're right. Oh, great then. Oh, well, that's perfect.

Yeah, we have the paperwork signed by the queen. Well, now we can share a common wealth. Let me get that in the calendar. Share common wealth with Clare. Got it. Perfect. Oh, I'm so glad. Good, good, good, good, because we need this meeting. Sounds like you've got something burning on the burner. Yeah. I bought us a horse. Clare, I've been hearing that whinnying from the seller. Remember when we had elephants in the walls? Yes, yes. Well, now we have Whinny. I am not an animal expert by any means, ironically, for a podcast called Expertise. But I know that elephants do not whinny. Right. And Whinny, nays. She's not a good improv partner, but she can get us from point A to point B so much more quickly because of her four legs. So the pony is named Whinny?

Yeah. And she only has four legs. So her back two are missing. I got to work that through mathematically. Her back two legs are missing, and she still has four. Only her four legs. Only her four legs. It's not a math joke. It's a grammatical joke. Yay. Yay, not nay. Clare, it always comes down to money. Where are we getting enough feed for the feed bag for a pony? Well, see, this is the beauty of it, Danno, because I'm also offering rides to the locals. Okay. 25 cents per? Per leg. Per leg. And I know she does not have her four legs. She has her four legs. She doesn't have her back legs.

Got it. Got it. All right. So at 25 cents per, let me just do the math real quick. I'm doing everything with pencil and paper now, Clare. I've been keeping my calendar, pencil and paper. I'm doing my math, pencil and paper. Well, that's why. We had the local inspector over yesterday. We'd had a complaint about lead poisoning in our building. I have been so lead poisoned lately. Do you get it? Well, Danno, it's from all the pencils you're using. Oh, and I've been blaming the water. I did not put number two and number two together. Let me do that math real quick. I have not been able to take number two since you started using so much lead in our office.

Wow, Clare. Let me just make an appointment for you with your oncologist, and you can get your number two taken care of. You know, I did that for a while. That's how I made my living. Going number two? No, I was on-call. Oh, you were an on-call oncologist. Yes. Yeah. My uncle was an oncologist. He must've been really good at it. Why do you say that? Well, if you're an oncologist, you've got to be an expert uncle. We should have him on the show. Oh, all right. Make a note. Call oncologist for booking. Clare, I hope you've had a nice summer vacation, and I have some sad personal news.

Oh, here comes fall. You are going to fall, I'm afraid. Your little special office worker, Fernando, left a note saying he's run off with Latte, the office cleaner. So first of all, our offices are a mess, and I know for your love life, that was probably something you were looking forward to when you came back. Oh my gosh. I thought he was on-call for me, but apparently... He was on-call for Latte. Latte for Fernando? That's the way they called it. But it was spelled wrong. That's just heartbreaking. I'm sorry, Clare. I didn't want to be the one to break the news that would break your heart.

You know, this is why it's really good to have a pony. Yes. You know what? You can break a pony, but a pony will not break your heart. Yeah. That's an old cowboy saying. I love it. I got that here in my... I keep a chapbook, but I'm using my number two pencil, and I jot down little witticisms and anecdotes and things that I hear that just kind of capture my fancy. Right. You're an interesting chap. Yep. I'm going to write that down. I am interesting. I'll just leave it at that. Right. No, that's enough. That's definitely enough. I'm sorry if my demeanor seems a little down now, but...

Yeah. It was a little meaner than it was. Yeah. This meaner is worse than the last one. I'm just so sad. And I agree with you, Clare, that maybe if you shift that affection that you've lost... Yeah. ...over to Winnie the Pony, it's not a replacement for a true love, the love of a man. Right. But until something better comes along, just saddle up that little... My little two-legged pony and take her for a roll. I fashion two wheels for her back legs. Clare, this is how you bond with a two-legged pony. Yeah. You get half of a pony costume. Oh! You become the other two legs and make that pony's life and body complete.

But I don't know. I feel like that just gives Latte and Fernando the chance to say that since they left, I've become... You're nothing but a... ...a horse's ass. ...pony's bottom. Oh, yeah. Oh, right, right. Yeah. Oh, Dan-o, we need some good news to start off this next season. I mean, I can't go on if it's just heartbreaking two-legged ponies. I've got some great news for you, Clare. It is time for the first annual... Yes. ...Usherette bake sale. Usherette bake sale. You jumped right on that, like you were assuming that the Usherettes would be baked. Yeah. No?

Totally, man. Is this a promotion with the local theater? This is a promotion for the podcast, Clare. Do we have Usherettes? Yes. Yeah. Before Latte and Fernando left, they went through a hiring spree. Oh. That's where the pony came from. You know what? I didn't even think of it. Maybe the pony was a going away gift. Now, forget me not from Fernando. You know what? That's actually very sweet to leave an immobile pony behind, you know, when you're leaving a loved one. I think it's traditional where he comes from. Where does he come from? Oh, he comes from... I was calling him.

Yes. Yes. In fact, I can flip through my chat book. I've indexed it, by the way. Oh. So I've been keeping this now for about six months. Yeah. And that's the key. You've got to be able to recover the information once you put it in. Oh, that is key. So I just check the index, and I can look under F for Fernando. Right. Or under another letter for the country that you just said. What was it? Right. Paris Ponen. Uh-huh. Which I think that's spelled with a J. Yeah. J-H. J-H at the beginning. Yes. And there it is. Traditions of... Paris Ponen. Leave a love, leave a pony. It says...

Oh, you're making me miss him. I didn't realize what a dreamboat he was, Clare. Yeah. I can't believe you let him get away. Yeah. Anyway. So amongst the other gifts that Fernando left behind for us, the pony, without food, that's our responsibility, of course. Yeah, right. He's always one hand giveth, one hand taketh. I forgot he was one-handed. And I can't believe he ran off with a three-legged woman. Latte. Lotta legs. Lotta legs. I was always sort of attracted to Latte. It didn't occur to me that I was a leg man. But when a gal's got three, you kind of look the other way. It's like, my waist is up here, gentlemen. So we really are kind of piecing this thing together.

Piecing it together with legs, hands, and four legs. What can we do to get him back? Well, should we consider paying them? I think that would be sound. What is the unit of money in Fernando's land? It's a part. Right. The exchange on that, Clare. We could pay him off in dimes. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Canadian dimes even. In Canadian dimes, which they don't make anymore. You know what, though, Daniel? You know why they don't make Canadian dimes anymore? Lead content. Oh, no. We're back to that. And we're already under fines from the local authorities for our lead poisoning, seeping onto Pavement Avenue outside.

Oh, gosh, Clare. I blame myself completely with my number two pencils. But there's got to be a way that we can solve all our problems, get back our loved ones, get rid of the excess lead that we're suffering from, and keep the new pony well-fed. Oh, let's see. Let's take it one step at a time. What does a pony need? Hay. Oats. Hay. Hay. Oats. Oats. Hay and oats. Hay. Hay oats. Hay and oats is a mispronunciation of the denomination of currency that Fernando's country uses. Yes, that's right. So what if we tell them we're paying hay and oats? But then we're taking food from the pony to pay Fernando.

Clare, you're getting biblical on me. But I think that's the solution, Dano. Okay. So we're going to pay hay and oats to both the pony and Fernando, which only leaves latte and lead poisoning, and we're in the green. Well, I think the lead poisoning will take care of latte. Oh, Clare. Is that dark? That is dark. I'm glad that no one hears these calls. Right. Because if we can get latte out of the picture, your love life, there's no question about it that Fernando, he's going to have that sorrow in his heart. And come looking for love. And there's nothing more romantic than a little pony ride at sunset.

I mean, it would be a little pony ride with only two legs. And short. She really can't go. Those wagon wheels are so uncomfortable on her haunches. I mean, Fernando, he was thoughtful, but he was not a good craftsman. I mean, look around at our office. I know. Yeah. Everything is just off kilter. Yeah. That was his dig at my roots, which are in Scotland. I don't think I have the nerve, honestly, to poison latte. If we can entice her back, can you do it? Yes. You can. Oh, yeah. She took the man I love. All right. So this is what it comes down to, Clare. One of us has to be brave enough to hand latte 75 gross of number two lead pencils.

That is gross for sure. I don't mean it that way, but it is. Number two pencils, like 172 of them. A dozen dozen is a gross. Yeah. That's 172. I mean, I thought we were doing a lot of math. Oh, I see. Yeah. No, let me just jot that down with my pencil. Oh, no, Dan O'Dowd. Pencil. Lead. Erase. Erase.