The Granola Bar Spreadsheet – Behind the Scenes with the ExperTeam

Warning this is not the expertise podcast. This is an illegally recorded phone conversation about the expertise podcast By listening you were a party to that illegality And that's the best kind of party there is I'm so glad that you picked up today Yeah, there is a lot going on that I need to talk to you about these weekly business calls that nobody hears about us To me, it's the most important time of the week. You know, it really is what makes the podcast tick Well, you're right and it it's so nice to be able to just talk you and I knowing that there's no other ears ringing Listening to us so we can just be ourselves and not those, you know podcast personas that we write I get sick of us. Do you I am so I'm so sick of us. I have ringing in my ears Yeah, Clare. It's mostly you that I'm sick of it. So if you Just stay silent for a minute I get it Catch my breath. Absolutely. I'm gonna just be quiet because I hear you I hear what you were saying And I'm not taking offense. I'm not I'm gonna be silent for you. Okay, that's all I'm asking for just a minute Claire yes, Dana. I'm sitting here at my vintage 1930s roll-top desk on the West Wall of the expertise podcast office out the bay window over looking Pavement Avenue. Yes. Love it. Claire. I don't know if you've been in the office this week I don't know if we have gremlins But one by one my office supplies from within my locked roll-top desk seem to be going missing This again again, you say well, I don't have a single postage stamp. Okay, stand up Stand up from the desk step away Right. Okay step around your desk. Okay Around the back of the desk. Yes, come around to the front of your office Okay I'm out in the hallway now next to the mail chute go two steps to the east Go into my office. I'm in your office now Claire. Oh, hi, Dana. Oh Hey Claire. Hey, I thought you were calling from home. Oh Did you why would you think that just an assumption? I guess I made an ass of you and me Think of the money we'll save on long-distance calls. Then I want you. What's that box by the corner of my desk there?

Oh my gosh, Claire this box of stamps in your 1930s Okan roll-top desk looks remarkably like my missing box of stamps. Hang on just a second Can I just rummage through here real quick? Yeah, Claire. This is my stapler. It's your stuff Dano This is the plastic rain scarf that I keep for those rainy afternoons when I have to run out to Broadway to catch a show Dana you've been nap walking. What? You've been nap walking, you know every afternoon at 2 30 you take a nap right after my coffee and whorehound drops I'm so tired of it. I but I don't know what to do You're like a crow you bring something shiny from your office every nap you walk it and you dump it in my office It's so weird Claire. I must be attracted to the chaise longue. You keep in the corner. Yes, that's where you hide your whorehound Wow You're telling me that every afternoon after my coffee and whorehound I doze off I walk in my sleep come in With vintage items from my antique desk and put them in your vintage desk. Yes Well, I'm sitting there and I'm terrified to wake you up because you know, they say if you wake a sleepwalker, they'll kill you immediately Claire that's what happened at my last podcast. What?

You know, fortunately these calls are just between you and me and we're not even on the phone anymore We're still talking on the phone it gives me a sense of security sure Yeah, at any point you could put me on hold and call 9-1-1. All right. Well enough of this chit-chat Let's get down to business. Shall we? Yes, we have so much take your things back to your office and we'll continue this call I'm so glad that you picked up today. Yeah, there is a lot going on that I need to talk to you about You've been doing the books lately The honor system granola bars that we have out on the coffee table in the lounge for our guests going well So we I had put out 25 bars at 25 cents apiece. Okay. I'm just doing the math real quick. Go ahead and there are now 18 bars 75 cents so I can't quite I can't quite figure it out so basically what this is telling me is that 75% of the people who come into our office are Dishonest. Well before we jump to those kinds of conclusions, I've been eating a lot of them. Oh I don't I didn't know whether to put that in the books because I'm an employee Okay, Claire, so that accounts for the coffers being light and your thighs being heavy if I may say no You may not say actually it literally it's in my contract that you may not comment on my weight I'm sorry. I don't want to get personal. Thank you. You do what you got to do But the thing is every calorie gained is a nickel lost from our honor system Well, I didn't know that I was supposed to be paying for those bars You didn't know that you were supposed to be honorable is what you're saying. I Don't I'm an employee. It doesn't apply to me and I'm also part owner Claire if you are not honorable How can we expect you know, the riffraff that we bring on to our show?

Into our lobby to do the right thing. How can we expect them to be honorable? This points to a bigger problem if you don't mind me moving the topic along It's just that I've actually been eating those bars so that the guests can't get at them It's impossible for them to talk on a podcast and with a mouthful of dry oats Oh Claire, we've been getting so many letters and I didn't even realize what that was referring to Guest is completely indecipherable I thought these podcasts were written, but I can't understand a word also the cost of the microphone covers Replacement has just been Gastronomic my apologies. You were doing the honorable thing and I didn't even realize you know, you are like Do you know the word copperhead? I'm not familiar with it. Yeah, you're a copperhead of the expertise podcast in the American Civil War the copperheads were Southerners who were loyal to the Union and you were like You know a non honest granola bar eater who was loyal to the podcast by eating granola bars Thank you We just got a letter Claire, what is she even saying I can't understand a word Well, I'm glad you've you've come around and seen the heroism in my in my eating and my acts of eating Do you mind if I charge the company with my new pants? I've had to size up sometimes I feel like these business calls. We really get a lot done. I feel like we covered some essentials today This has been a very productive meeting and I appreciate you allowing me to make some comments that maybe we're not mine to make But needed to be made just the same I'm not sure they needed to be made. You know, the timber of my thighs is Never gonna be inappropriate Claire. Sometimes I'm just reading from an inner office memo. You know, you're right. You're right I I thank you for hearing me Dan. Oh, and oh, I can't help but hear you Sidle across the room to the granola bar and I thank you for making changes Are making change actually, do you have change for a dollar bill? Oh, yeah, we need a granola bar right now Thank you. Sure. You bet. Talk to you soon Claire. Bye Dan