The Call 911 – I’ve Got Pete in My Motatoes!

Warning! This is not the Expertise podcast. This is an illegally recorded phone conversation about the Expertise podcast. By listening, you are a party to that illegality. And that's the best kind of party there is. Offices of Expertise, this is Clare Sera speaking. How may I direct your call? Press 1 for the directory. I'd forgotten we didn't start this. Press 2 to be directed to the directory. I hate these things so much. Press 3 for the director of the directory. Okay. Press 4. Hi, you have pressed 2. No, no, no. SOS, your call has been directed to 911. I didn't mean to.

Okay, I've got to think of an emergency really quick. Hi, Danno. It's just me. It's Clare. Clare, I've severed my leg. Danno, it's okay. I'm trained. I'm now a trained paramedic answering 911 calls for people who are looking for the Offices of Expertise. Those are the only calls that I take. I was so lucky that I accidentally pushed those buttons and got through to the wrong person. So I can direct your call to Expertise, but not until... Thank you for calling the Offices of Expertise. This is Danno Sullivan. Hi, this is the director of the directory at 911.

We're looking for our employee Clare Sera. She seems to be missing. We're putting out an APB. Sir, as much as I love Bachman Turner Overdrive, I'm so glad I have you here on the phone. The new system that you've installed, directing calls automatically? Sir, you're really wasting my time. One of our employees has gone missing, and we have put out a BTO looking for her. It's because of the system that you've installed that Clare Sera has gone missing. Sir, this is my time to do our usual weekly business call with her. Ahh! My ears! Danno! Clare, you're broken through the call.

I'm in the wires. Okay, Clare. Listen, since you've been converted to digital form, I'm going to download you and print you out. Danno, perfect, quickly! Fax me now! Hang on, hang on. Don't fax this up, Danno. Where's Dave Russell when you need him? And print. Whew! Danno, oh! Oh my gosh! What have you done with the offices? I can't believe I have you here in 3D in real life. This is going to vastly simplify our weekly call to be able to talk to you face to face. Oh my gosh, whew! I feel refreshed and renewed. Yeah, look at your left hand, though. I think you're missing a few pixels.

Oh, dumb AI. I'm sorry. I printed you out in EPS instead of EPG. I don't mind. I'm just glad to be here. Danno, I just, I really don't enjoy working at 911 dispatch. Clare, that was a huge mistake. You should not have initialed that part of the contract when you signed on. Well, I mean, they asked me, can I take calls, which is definitely part of my job at the office. Sure, we share that duty once a week. Yeah, and I guess somebody noticed that I was particularly good. I'm sure that's why they advanced you. You're so professional. I'm the one ringy dingy queen.

Yeah, you're the quingy. I mean, that is a really stressful job. People call, you know, they've severed their legs, they've cut their dog, they're breathing weird. It's very unpleasant. Would it help you, what if we put together a petition for the government to change the numbers of 911 to something that is harder to dial? What if we changed it to our number at Expertise? And then people could just become guests, like whatever they've hurt themselves with. Oh, so like today we have an expert in bleeding out. Today we have an expert in someone hiding in the bathroom with a knife.

Today we have an expert, someone who is tied and bound in the trunk of a Mustang. Today we have an expert in someone who has shoved themselves into a corner. Oh, all right. You were going with a place, I was afraid you were going with a thing. Right. Okay, so those would all be great experts, and all we have to do is change a nationwide program of emergency reporting services. What do you think the first step should be? I think we need to fax someone. Okay, fax someone. I'm jotting this down, but I think maybe we should be a little more specific. Like Pete Buttigieg.

Gosh, I get a call a week regarding Pete Buttigieg. A lot of people choke saying the name. That's how it's spelled on his birth certificate. His mother was choking during childbirth, and she called 911. So she gave him his last name. 911, yeah. That's his married name. Right, right, of course. So I feel like Mayor Pete is a guy that gets things done. He fixes things. He does. He's also in control, and he's neat. This is what we need at our offices. We're shooting for one thing, Claire. We're changing 911 to redirect to our phone lines. Yes. Dano, what I wanted to talk to you about was Season 3, and I think we've just solved it.

Tell me more. Well, Season 3 is going to be all 911 calls, people who are experts in the terrible things that are happening to them. Assuming we can successfully make this change. You're kind of the wordsmith around the offices. Oh, sure. Help me draft this up later. We'll just do it later. Okay, let's do that later, yeah. Could you help me draft up this letter? Oh, a letter? To Mayor Pete. Okay. What do you think we need to say to get this number changed? Dear Dr. Mayor. Okay, dear Dr. Mayor, do we need to include Big Gig? No, not for the opening salvo. Okay. Ooh, do not include Big Gig in salvo.

Got it. Great. The way I like to approach a letter, I think it's smart to start off with maybe a compliment. Yeah, well, I think maybe we can let him know that we don't make fun of his name. We do not make fun of your name, comma, but a gig. But in judge. A booty judge. Booty judge, but in gigs, but in gear. Yeah, sounds like you're making fun of his name. No, I'm letting him know all the things we don't say. We do not. Okay. Around the office. We don't, around our office, we don't say. We do not. And if anyone did, we would rough them up to the point that they needed to call 911.

We would get there, but in gear. Okay, so we've paid a nice compliment to the things that we don't call him, and then we need to. Well, I think we need to address it, what we're about to ask is within his purview, so he doesn't. Okay, your vocabulary today, Claire, salvo and purview. Thank you. So yeah, a nice little smooth transition into we believe our request to be within your purview. Yes. It's not too formal. No, he's a pretty informal little guy. Don't say little guy in the. I'm gonna take little guy and draw an arrow up to the things that we do not refer to him as.

Right. Okay. Yeah. And we believe this to be within your purview, colon. We believe this to be within your colon. I don't think we should mention the colon. Yep, I'll just draw an arrow up to we do not refer to. Got it. We believe this is within your purview period. Yes. Okay, and then it's a little tricky. I feel like it's a big ask to change the entire national emergency system. Okay, see, that's how you have to frame it. Sir, if I may introduce an imperative. Okay, introduce is good. I like the salvo there. And actually, I think we should pretend that autocorrect changed imperative to aperitif.

Yes, he is known for his love of the small and delicate drinks. Yeah, don't say small. Small, he's very touchy, isn't he? Just get another arrow, yeah. Another arrow, don't say small, don't say touchy. Small and touchy. Small and touchy button gear that we would never call him that. We'll just say we know you like your drinks. We know you're a drinker, Pete. We've kind of gotten away from the reason which was this is imperative, not aperitif. That we implement the following change colon. Ah! Oh. Cross out the colon. Right. So now it says the following change X. Oh, because you crossed it out.

Okay. Yeah, we think it is imperative. X. Redirect. Re? Redirect. The Latin word, re? Or it's a redirect? Redirect. Okay. With this request. It is with great respect that we request the following request. Here we are at the meat and potatoes. Ooh, right. Now, he's a Midwestern man. He likes meat and potatoes. Pete and potatoes. Maybe we could work that in. So, sir, we are now at the Pete, in quotation marks, and then in parentheses exclamation point to show that we know it's a pun. We are now at the Pete and potatoes of our request. I love it. I love it. But Dan, you know, there's a font now, the sarcastic font.

Oh. So you don't have to. Well, it's not sarcasm. It's a pun. Is there a pun font? Pun? No, there's not a pun font. Okay. But here we are. All the fault or all leading up to the ask. Do you think it's properly set? Do we need to say, and without further ado, before we say it on the paper? We have had some ado. True, true. We have had some ado already. Yeah. Yeah, so we don't want any further. Would that actually make sense? It's not without any ado. I'm thinking that maybe our ado has been so plentiful up to this point that it's almost beside the point. It's unnecessary to say without further ado.

Oh, because there is no further ado. We're getting to the point now. Right, okay. Even just saying without further ado actually adds some ado. Should we say, and now to the point? And now to the point of all that ado. And let's remember, let's make a note to sign off adieu. You know, to keep everything tied in. Claire, this is the beauty of doing things with pen and paper. I can just skip down to the bottom of the page and put our signatures in already. So it says adieu, and then in parentheses, with adieu, that's my pen name for letters to the Secretary of Transportation.

Okay, so I think we're done. Is that right? We have a big space in the middle of the page where we've not actually done the big ask. Oh, this gets me every time. I get excited if I come up with a sign off and I just send the letter. Yeah, I've gotten some of your letters, Claire. I loved Sincerely. That was a nice letter to get. Right. I Beg to Remain, Sir, Your Faithful Servant. Right. You know, that was a little longer. Yeah, but come on. It packed a punch. I Loved Best Wishes, Stay Cool, See You Next Summer. That was a nice letter to get. Yeah, thank you, thank you.

Nice sign off to get. I never did get that painting from you because I realized later I didn't ask for it in the body of the letter. Lesson learned. Yeah. Body of the letter. Body of the letter. Okay, should we say now to the body of the letter? Yeah. So here's the point of all that ado. Now to the body of the letter, sir. Do we just come out and ask? Yeah, absolutely. Will you please change 9-1-1 I think it's stronger than will you please. I think it's As your constituents. As your constituents. We request that you redirect all future 9-1-1 emergency life-saving calls for people in deathly or harrowing circumstances, comma, to the comedy podcast Expertise.

I love it, Dano. I have one note. Just I don't want only the deathly or harrowing. I think we should get all of them because we're looking for experts also in some light hearted things. Cat up a tree. Yeah. Goat in my bum. That's one of those nicknames we cannot use. Oh, yeah, that's Pete. Goat in my bum. Yeah, yeah. Some of the lesser emergencies or cute things that people call for. That would be great. I'll lighten up that language a little bit and we've got our sign off. Ado. Yeah. We'll go with Claire, comma, Sarah, Mrs. Yes. I mean, now, you know, I'm considering.

Let's see. When do you think he'll get this letter? I'm thinking about when the papers will come through. Oh, papers. Yeah. Your marriage papers. Right. Oh, I was going to just type this up and send it right out. I have a two week. I'm Mrs. now. I'm going to have a two week period where I will be single and then I will be Mrs. again. So it depends on if he's going to get it, you know, this week or in the following two weeks or after that, it could be Mrs. again. I'm going to put Mrs. in parentheses and then I'm going to put Mrs. in parentheses again. That covers it.

Don't put an exclamation mark because it's not a pun. It's a fact. Yeah. So it's signed. Ado, Claire, Sarah. Yeah. Mrs. Mrs. Yeah. And then. Maybe a dash. Mrs. And then a dash for when I'm not, when I'm going to be single. Okay. So you'll be Mrs. dash. A nice, spicy way to sign off. Yeah. And I'll be Sullivan Comedano, parentheses, Captain. I'm not a Captain Claire, but I think it adds a little gravitas. You could become a Captain by the time he receives this letter. You know what? I'm scheduled to become a Captain in two weeks time. Oh. So you're right. We should hold off on sending the letter, but I do not want to dawdle on this.

So I'm going to go ahead and send an empty envelope. And you know what, Claire, just one last thought before we go. I feel like we need to remind him. Let's see how to say this. Do this or we will not vote for you. Oh, maybe, maybe we do it a little more subtly. Okay. To get our vote, comma, please do this. Still, it feels a bit bully-ish. Oh, I know. And then PPS, just realize Secretary of Transportation is not a position that gets voted for, comma, so we cannot vote your ass out, comma, but we can decline to vote for that bass star. Okay, Dano, I'm feeling that you've added an aggressive note.

I'll just cross it out. Okay. That's why we were a powerful team, Claire. You know, I like it that it's there, but crossed out so he could read it, you know, but we crossed out. He'll see that we thought it and decided against it, but it still can influence. Yeah, I think that's a power move. Last question, and I feel like we've used up all our time for talking this week. Oh, gosh. I don't even know how much a first-class stamp costs these days. I send so little mail. Yeah, I think they just say first-class now. They don't even have a number on them. Okay, and I just realized, government employees have franking privileges, which means they can send their mail for free, so we'll put a reverse frank on this.

A reverse frank. Yeah. Ooh, I think that might be offensive. Oh, it's another term we can't use. It has some connotations. Okay, I'll just take it down to the post office and buy a stamp then. I remember my first husband tried to reverse frank. Claire, Claire. Hmm? Yeah, sorry. Let's keep things professional, okay? Yeah, okay. I am so glad that you managed to make your way through all the technological problems today. Yeah, right. And the upside is that those very problems gave us a problem to solve, and we have solved it. Oh, silver lining. Yes. So, Season 3 starts next week.

All 911 calls, right? Yes. Cannot wait. This is going to save us so much money on guest expenses. I know, because they won't know how to bill us. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Well, great talking with you. Yeah. Normally, I would say, buy and hang up. But I guess, uh... I'm right here in the paper flesh. I cannot get rid of ya. Ha, ha. Uh... Want to get some coffee? Yeah, okay.