The Dearly Departed Expertease

Dearly beloveds, we have a rather somber episode for you today with our special guest, Danno Sullivan. Danno, since you are an expert in modern funereal services, I wondered if we could probe your area of expertise. This is not a time for jokes, Clare. Or a place. I mean, you could really get in trouble if you were probing your funereal. You're listening to Expertise, spelled wrong. The podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Ladies and gentlemen, look, this is a topic that a lot of people have written in and asked about.

I mean, we are all faced at certain times in our lives with considering, am I prepared for what comes at the end of times? And today, we've brought someone on who can answer a few of those sort of delicate and, you know, somber questions. Danno Sullivan, you are really a pioneer in the updated ways. Clare, could I just interject and say that usually after this long a speech, we usually say amen. And everybody goes to Denny's. Oh my gosh, that's quite lighthearted. Well, you would think it was lighthearted, but I don't know if you've had the moons over my hammy recently.

It's actually the next most depressing thing after the funeral service. Danno, you got into this business, funereal. It was a family connection. My father died, and there was no one there to manage the event. So it was just me and old Shep. I'm laughing. I'm sure you must come across that a lot. People don't know how to handle the emotions that come up in these most difficult of times. I'm so sorry. Usually people do handle it a little better than this, Clare. This is just disrespectful. I'm so sorry. Have you ever had trouble being serious with the family?

Folks listening at home, I am not a doctor. I'm so sorry. It's just when you said your father died, I mean, I knew you were a funereal. It's funereal, Clare. You're mispronouncing it. We like to put the fun in funeral. There is a lot of laughter at these ceremonies. That is beautiful. I have to talk about it in kind of a serious, significant tone of voice. But those events themselves, Clare, just the bouncy castle alone, add so much fun to the funereal. Oh, isn't that great? So when families come to, what's the name of the funereal home that you are currently overseeing?

Yeah, it's called Big Shoes and Red Hair and Son. It must have been just so hard on your family when Big Shoes and Red Hair died. The fact that we were able to name our funeral home after the two people who died. Both your parents? Yes. Big Hair was my father. Red Shoes was my mother. That was what drew them together. They were a storybook romance. And that just made the rather shocking demise in a tiny little car just all the more heartbreaking for the family. There's no seatbelts in a clown car, as they say. That's not a saying, Clare. That's a fact. Oh, gosh, I got to get that off my cushion.

So I really admire that you're bringing a lighthearted approach to something that we have just for no reason really attached a lot of grief and sadness. There is a reason. Most people love the people in their families who die. And that's where the grief comes from, Clare. It's a sorrow that that person has died. Oh, gosh, you've really studied your grief therapy. If you think of any close person in your family and that person dies, you're going to feel sad. But that's when you bring in the fun specialists. Why spend all that time grieving, moping, dressing in black?

Is that what it means on your pamphlet when you say, no moping, all mopeds? Clare, until you've seen a hearse on two small wheels being pedaled, that's the fun and funeral. That is fun, though. That is fun. Moping, all mopeds. Yeah. I can see the smile on your face right now. Have you had someone die recently? Yeah, I had a very close aunt. She was really special. She was 95 and lived a really great life and very close. I was very close with her. She really was a huge influence in my decisions. Clare, if you just open up that package I sent over before the podcast, I think you'll find.

Yeah, there it is. It's a wheelo, one of those wire things where the little wheel goes back and forth. And then there's some sparklers. Go ahead and light up two of those. They're probably illegal where you are, which makes it even more fun. Everything's illegal where I am, Danny. And then push that button, listen for the sound. Oh my gosh. Every time you start to feel sad about your wonderful, wonderful aunt who just tragically died, I just want you to push one of those buttons, light up a sparkler. Don't let that grief wash over you and bog you down. So you provide the eulogies because quite often I've found they can be quite morose and morbid.

Are you a fan of Gilbert and Sullivan at all? Oh, so much. The rhyming. That's the key, Clare. If you put some of those eulogies into rhyming couplets. Oh, like if I was to eulogize my aunt, Jannie, who I adored. She liked to crochet, and she was very involved with the local soup kitchen. Oh, I see. I see. So we would put our team of poets on this, and these are not greeting card poets, Clare. I mean, what is more despondent making than getting a card of condolence and saying something like, oh, you have my condolences on the loss, I mean, right there, the loss of aunt Jannie.

Oh, she's gone. So think of something like, dearly beloved, fans of aunt Jannie. Yes. She crocheted a lot. Boy, was she handy. So there's a little compliment, right? It's giving you a little chuckle. We lost our dear aunt. Who did she work with? The soup kitchen. We lost our dear aunt, whose good deeds for the kitchen made everyone love her. God damn, she was bitching. And you know. Oh my gosh. I think that's directly from a Gilbert and Sullivan play. A lot of the cursing in Gilbert and Sullivan was expurgated, but you can reuse those. Anything that rhymes with bitching, we just apply it to whoever has died.

I mean, we're all about, let's cut corners in whatever way possible, while still giving the funnest experience. A lot of this comes from the circus, Clare, and they are known for cutting corners. You've got falling tents, burning canvas. You've got- I'm never out of business as a funeral director if you're working with a circus. That's one of my cushions back here. Well, now that's interesting that you bring that up because I had heard that you are expanding your services to animal funerals. You know, Clare, if you want to have fun at a funeral, let's get the animals involved.

They're easy to train animals like dogs, dolphins. So we're doing a lot of our funerals at sea now, burials at sea, it's called. Oh, burials at sea. And that's kind of traditional for sailors. But a lot of people that are not connected with the sea in life do connect with the sea and death. I hold my hand up, got a little shrimp up there, and I call out, weewee, weewee. Hold on, I'm just, so I'm just trying to get my head around this. If I had engaged your services for someone, say my Aunt Jenny and- For a funeral at sea? For a funeral at sea. And then you have a performing shrimp on a boat.

You've misunderstood. There's not a performing shrimp. Okay. In this case, we have trained dolphins. It seems disrespectful. I mean, I don't mean to question what other people like to engage in while they're grieving, but for me, a performing shrimp, that's a line, that's a line. You are injecting a performing shrimp where there is no performing shrimp. The shrimp is used as a treat for the dolphins. I mean, I'm just trying to like, how would it perform? Does it, like, can it move on its tail? Does it have any dexterity? Can it flip? The dolphin? The shrimp. The shrimp.

We don't currently offer a performing shrimp. We do offer barbecued shrimp after the service. They don't even make any kind of noises that- Oh, they do when you barbecue them. Ah, okay. So usually what happens with the dolphins, Claire, is you enshroud the body, it's called. Oh, okay. That sounds very respectful. It's very respectful. A lot of times we'll use like a very high quality craft paper. That's that brown paper that grocery sacks are made from, but we call it craft paper. And for the budget minded, we just use actual grocery store bags, you know, just one on top, one on bottom and throw her in.

Well, Trader Joe's really encourages recycling of their bags. And their bags have the handles on it, which makes the whole thing convenient for everybody. Right. Interesting. Yeah. But once they plunge into the great green briny- Okay, wait, I thought they were in the ocean. That's poetic talk. Oh, I see. Okay. I thought maybe it was a special pool that you had created. We do have a special pool. It's called the Lava Pit, but we'll talk about that later. Okay. Okay. Boy, there's so many options. Oh gosh, Claire. It's just unlimited, you know? When you're dealing with dead people, there are just no rules, no laws.

It's every man for himself. Are you sure there are no laws? Apart from the recycling, you know, for the paper bags. Oh, okay. Big hair and red shoes. And sun. And sun. Yeah. Okay. So into the big green briny- Then there's a dramatic pause. You know, you think, oh well, we're saying goodbye to Aunt Janie now. That's when I take off my cap, hold up the shrimp, and that's the signal that these pair of trained dolphins leap up together, those majestic mammals of the sea. And between their two snouts, there is the exposed body of your deceased loved one spinning between the two dolphins.

And they dance on their tails, and they bat the body back and forth like a wounded orca. And Claire, I'm- Wow. It's not beautiful, but we're not there for beauty. We are there for entertainment. And this is entertainment and laughs galore. Oh my gosh. You know, I see people weeping, they're laughing so hard at these things. Just tears gushing down their faces. I'm sure you do. Wow. That's a lot of visuals. I'm still having trouble with the dancing shrimp, but I would have a question. It's a bit delicate. If I was to be engaging these services, dolphins have been known to get a little frisky with humans.

Oh, you mean that way. I would just fear that Aunt Janie at this point would have nothing to defend herself with. Claire, I think you're ascribing human emotions to the dolphins. They are mammals like humans, but they're much more interested in the shrimp that I have to offer than the- Okay. Great. That's great. So they're respectful of the dead body then. They're not respectful. To them, it means nothing. And I think that's the lesson that white heron, big shoes, and sons are trying to get across. Nothing matters. We are but dust in the water. Wow. Well, Daniel, that just really took a profound turn.

I mean, because you are removing all of the projections that we bring to dying and moving on into the next realm. It's like, you know what? It's just a lifeless body out there being tossed about by two dolphins. It's going to sink down and decompose. Let's get on with our day. There's shrimp on the Barbie. Is that right? That's right. Now, your listeners might be interested in our post-death submarine cruise. It's a little extra, I have to admit, but boy, does the fun continue. 20,000 thuns under the sea. So they would be seeing their loved one who has settled to the ocean floor.

Hopefully, yes. Sometimes there's some waiting that needs to happen. Well, Aunt Janie did have a heft of weight to her. Perfect. Perfect. Yeah. And you know, the great thing about a rotund woman is that you can just picture the giant squid feasting on the flesh, the suckers attaching and going into one of those multiple beaks that they have. Yeah. It doesn't sound fun, but because you're watching it through a plexiglass window from the safety of a submarine, it really just feels like you're watching a movie or something, you know? Well, you know, to each their own.

They do say that grieving is a very personal journey. So I'm sure that some people might be interested in watching the second part of their loved one's bodily use on this planet. Yeah. You're making it very deep and we're just trying to say, you know, get one of those New Year's blowing whistles, jump in the submarine and let's go down and watch a loved one get consumed. Dano, I have to say, this has been really eye-opening. I think we have been taking death a little too seriously in our culture. And I want to thank you. I want to thank your mom and dad, white hair and red shoes.

Boy, oh boy. I think about those guys every day and I think about them with love in my heart and a whoopee in my cushion. Well, if this sounds interesting to you, we will- Oh, it does. That's why I'm here. No, I'm sorry. I'm talking to our podcast listeners. Oh, sorry. And I just want to let them know that we will have your funereal information in our show notes. Take care of yourself and your loved ones. Don't forget to have a little laugh every now and then. The Expertise Spelled Wrong podcast is free and like the Amish, all are welcome. Be sure to sign up for our email announcements at funnypodcast.co and follow us in your favorite podcast app, like the expert podcast listener we know you are.

We'll see you next time.