The Age of Napoleon Expertease

Clare Sera, you are an expert in the age of Napoleon. And so I thought we could probe your area. Pardon? Of expertise. Spelled wrong? Naturally. You're listening to Expertise, spelled wrong, the podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Expert comedy writer Clare Sera and expert comedy writer Danno Sullivan bring their expertise to other unrelated expertises. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, that voice you hear is the voice of Clare Sera, French speaker, English stander, and expert in the age of Napoleon. Clare, welcome to the Expertise podcast, where we bring knowledge to the people who want our knowledge.

I am just absolutely thrilled to be here. I'm just going to interject because you are throwing in some French terms right off the top of the bat. And I want to remind you that our audience is mostly English speaking. Well, they will be happy to know that so was Napoleon. Perfect. Now, I love that you've divided the age of Napoleon into three separate pamphlets that sort of cover the three main eras of the age of Napoleon. Well, the age of Napoleon is 42. Well, wouldn't that depend on the day and the month and the year? Yeah. And that was the very thing of the age of Napoleon. No matter what year we were in, he declared he was 42.

Now, I would have expected just the opposite. I would have expected that no matter which day, which month, which year, the age of Napoleon would be different each time you checked. And that would be such an opening for a writer. You'd always have something new to cover, a different age for every day. Well, that would have been interesting. And probably I could have published a book instead of three pamphlets if that had been true. But I am an expert, which means I need to stick to the truth and the facts. And Monsieur Bonaparte. I'm sorry, Monsieur? Monsieur, that means mister.

Oh, got it, got it. Monsieur is French. It comes from the word mon, meaning my, sewer, which is a sewer of underground tunnels. So, whenever you're addressing a person of the male stature, you're thinking my sewer. You are my sewer. Yeah. Stinky hole in the ground. Yes. Okay. Yes. I think that sums up men perfectly. Well, French women thought of men as stinky holes. Well, just while we're on the topic, how do we describe French women? So, that would be madame. Madame. Oh, I remember like knock, knock. Who's there? Madame. Madame who? Madame foot is caught in the door. Open up.

That's a woman all over. I did not understand that joke for all the years of my life until right now. That was the age of Dano's dumbness. And you're probably 42. All right. We've covered some of the basics. Let's dig a little deeper. Now, only other thing that I associate with Napoleon besides invading Russia is the baked good. Yes. Yeah. The layers of a Napoleon pastry. Is that what you're talking about? The pastry. Yes. Which do represent the layers of the man. Which represent the layers of the man. And yet for someone who was a demisouir, surely someone who consumed enough Napoleons to have the Napoleon named after him.

Yes. Would not have been that small. What's going on here? Is this a little bit of a historical cover up? Give us the truth, Claire. You know, when you speak of the age of Napoleon, you're also, I'm sure, referring to what was happening in all of France around Napoleon. How he influenced the naming of pastries. The naming of pastries, people like to undercut how important that is. But think about the history. Germany, have you ever had a Bismarck? I have not had a Bismarck. What's in it? Well, it's very similar to a Napoleon, except it was made in Germany. What about a bear's claw?

In the colonial days in Kentucky, that was the baked good of the time, was the bear's claw. Right. Because Monsieur Bear won the war for colonial... Is that correct? For a certain period of time, the bears were in charge. Now we can talk about that on another expertise podcast. And I can't wait for it, actually. But my point is, if we just... We could do an entire history of Europe based on baked goods and pastries alone. Absolutely. Well, I mean, it is a great honor to have a pastry named after you. As everyone also knows, Napoleon was not just a great leader of armies. He was a lover of women.

He was... That was the sugar side of his lard intake. He knew how to butter up a lady and sweeten her down. So, what a lot of people don't realize that the ateliers of the time, the women who designed the great fashions of that sparkling time in France also took their inspiration from Napoleon. And you might know that the bustle came into great acclaim during that time in France. So, that's when disco dancing began. No, the bustle with the B. The bustle. Oh, girl, I got the bustle with the B. Not the hustle with the H. I got it. Got it. But the French bustle was designed... The bustle comes at the height of Napoleon's head.

Oh, I see. I thought you were gonna tell me when in time it came, but you're talking where it came physically against his sewer. Yes, yes, yes. The age of Napoleon created dresses where he could literally hide in a... I mean, that's how a lot of these wars were actually won. And this is part of pamphlet number three. I don't know if you read this, but the last war in France against the Prussians was led by an army of women. They were wearing bustles. These bustles hid the entire army of France. Oh, hid the army of France. Yeah. And so, the Prussians thought, oh, here are beautiful French women coming towards us.

Yes. Madames, madame after madame. Madame Futscott and the borderline open your country up. They were hiding monsieurs. So, with a grand gesture, they sweep aside and a radial arcing pincher action. Radial arcing their dresses in a wide swathing sweep to reveal, if you don't mind me saying, a line of stinky holes, monsieurs. And that is what is known as the French offense. And that is really what the age of Napoleon should be remembered for. That's amazing. Those true stories that you're revealing to our audience today, that's the sort of stuff that they should be teaching in school. Let's get those kids interested in, if not nudity, semi-nudity.

This is why I am writing these pamphlets, Danoan, coming on to open-minded podcasts like yours, this expertise where they want to know the truth. Claire, you mentioned the women of France being as great as the great men of France. That's wonderful. Indeed. You are willing to be so open-minded. A lot of people say that it was, in fact, the ladies of France that brought down the regime, that Marie Antoinette at Napoleon's side was actually at the side of Louis XVI. Right. But her sides did move around a bit. Yes. She had that sort of aspic-like wobble. Yes, she did. And that's why the aspic is named after her.

We're right back to the delicacies, aren't we? It's the most important part of a person's legacy. All right. We do need to wrap things up here, Claire. I have a couple of quick last-minute questions for you. Napoleon was very well known for his hand inside the vest stance. The tuck, we call it. The tuck. Nice. I didn't know there was a term for that. Oh, sure. Yes. Some of Napoleon's jackets have been kept there at the museum in Versailles. You can go and look at them for yourself. And when you check out the breast pocket that has been sewn into where he would like to tuck his hand, there is a pastry-sized pocket.

I know that at the Historical Crumb Museum near Versailles, there's some interior shots of that pocket. But I always thought that was, you know, just sort of a wishful thinking, but you're saying that that's legitimate. Oh, it's more legitimate than Josephine could ever make her children. Yes, absolutely. I state it clearly in my pamphlet number two, Napoleon kept a pastry in his pocket because you know what, Dano? An army moves on its stomach. That's what they say, Claire. I would think the only trouble with traveling on your stomach though is that with that pocket toward the front, your Napoleon would not last long, which I guess accounts for the crumbs in the museum.

That's exactly correct, full circle right there. If you scooched correctly, like you know that army scooch that they do? Yes, that's why they do it. Well, you can protect your pastry. They're protecting the pastry. I've always heard that as kind of a saying, you know, hey men, protect the pastry. Right, an army saying. Yes. Yes. But I see now that that was actually just on-the-nose dialogue. I don't think soldiers talking to each other actually would be referred to as dialogue, but yes, that is an on-the-nose statement between soldiers. Right, right. Claire, Sarah, thank you so much for coming on and sharing your expertise on the age of Napoleon with everyone who loves that one age of Napoleon.

I want to wish you best wishes for the success of your pamphlets. Bonne chance, we say. Bonne chance. Mais oui. If you were going to have a pastry named after you, what would you want it to be? Oh gosh, I would love a pastry that had a flaky bottom and a lard middle. Claire, I don't think you need to work on that at all. The Expertise, spelled wrong, podcast is free and, like the Amish, all are welcome. Be sure to sign up for our email announcements at funnypodcast.com and follow us in your favorite podcast app, like the expert podcast listener we know you are.

You know, ironically, Josephine really did like the aroma of Napoleon, the man, not the pastry. It's recorded in some of her letters. Oh, I didn't realize her letters had been recorded. Who's doing the voiceover work on that? Girard Depardieu. Is doing the voice of Josephine with his authentic French accent. Yes, yes, yeah. And also, he's much older now, so his voice has risen. Oh, I see. It's very squeaky and high. He's reading her letters to Napoleon and, you know, they're still looking for an actor to read Napoleon's letters to Josephine. I don't know if you're in that kind of market.

Oh, gosh, no. I love doing my little podcast, but honestly, Claire, I don't feel that my voice is suitable for any sort of audio work. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Casey International Raceway. So sorry, I brought it up. Nitro burning, fire breathing, funny cars. You know, that is very similar to how we think Napoleon spoke. I'm sorry, I thought I was doing Josephine.