The British Seaside Expertease

Our topic tonight is the British seaside. And Mr. Danno Sullivan, we thought we could probe your area... What? ...of expertise. Spelled wrong? No, spelled absolutely correctly. Oh, finally. The British way. You're listening to Expertise, spelled wrong. The podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Expertise podcast. Please, please try to sit down. Please try to stay seated. Everyone is so excited. I'll be right there. He's literally... He's climbing up the cliffs from the British seaside.

Looks like he's climbing up those cliffs of Dover just to be with us tonight. We're going to be talking about the British seaside. Danno Sullivan, welcome. Thank you. Welcome. Thank you, Clare. What a real pleasure to be on your podcast here talking about a great love of mine, the British seaside. Can I just interrupt to say, myself and all my guests are, so I'm taken aback. You're an American person? No, no, no. I have worked long and hard to overcome my Mexican accent. You are speaking in a very neutral, very neutral tone. Yes. You've heard of sort of the Catherine Hepburn accent, that famous transatlantic.

Well, this is transamerica. And the transamerican accent is bland. It's like if you've taken something that's so bland and made it more bland. Oh, I have. My vocal coach, Dave Russell, has led me through these exercises where my voice is completely indistinguishable. Except when I make mistakes, I can't say indistinguishable. That was really fun because we got a little taste of flavor, a little Mexican pepper when you buffed. Sometimes my sparkling personality shows through. You know, I try to keep it neutral like the British seaside itself. And for you to call the British seaside neutral is absolutely fascinating because so many great historical events have happened on that coast.

William the Conqueror stopping by for a short visit back in 1066 BC. What must have that been like? There was Dunkirk, or as we call it, Dumb Kirk. What a mistake that was. But we are, of course, focusing on... Oh, and I just wanted to mention that I caught a seven-pound mackerel off this very cliff. Well, that's newsworthy amongst my parts. That's because I love a good mackerel. Who doesn't in this day and age, Claire? William the Conqueror famously hated mackerel. You know, there is a legend. If you go back in history, you will find that William the Conqueror was inspired to leave France because of the great volume of mackerels.

And he couldn't stand them. He thought, I'm going across the sea to the furthest spot from this buttload of mackerel. Oh, there's a little bit of my Mexican pepper showing again. That was peppery. That was peppery. Well, let me just spin my camera around for you here, Claire. Oh, my gosh. You can get such a beautiful view of these guano-covered cliffs. Is that what makes those cliffs white? Those are the White Cliffs of Dover, Claire. And I'm sure you've heard the song originally written as the poo-covered cliffs of Dover. Bing Crosby was the one responsible for changing that.

White Christmas, same thing. It was poo Christmas? Poo-covered, poo-covered Christmas. So Bing Crosby, which is not surprising as I say it out loud, was responsible for the whitening of British pop culture. Yeah, I feel like there's a little bit of a slur implied there, Claire. And Bing Crosby was not that way, not that way at all. He was not white? He was poo-covered. Oh, OK. So the British seaside has a left and a right coast. It depends completely on where you're standing is the only thing. But now what makes that coast British? Every country has a coast, you know, I'm guessing.

You're being a little small-minded, if you don't mind me saying, Claire. Every country has a British seaside. Wait, what? Yes. I feel like we're getting a scoop here on the Expertise podcast. Walk on a little journey with me, if you will. Claire, what does the earth consist of? Both land and... Sea. Land and sea. We have land masses that we call... Lands. Lands, or continents is the word I was going for. I was hoping an educational podcast might have that word at the tip of its tongue. We have continents separated by sea, land separated by water. By water. Yes.

Land. So which coast are you on right now, Claire? Where am I talking to you from? Oh, you're talking to me from the beautiful Pacific coast. Oh, California, Washington Canal? California seaside. American Pacific seaside. Well, that's what they want you to call it, Claire. It's all commerce and marketing and commercialism. It's the same water that's on my British seaside sweeping up on your California shore. So don't you have a British seaside, too? So you are saying you could throw a bottle into the sea with a message in it, and that I would get it before the end of this podcast?

Claire, before we started this podcast, when you heard me climbing up the poo-covered cliffs, I was out throwing a bottle. That's just an expression. Yes, it's one of the Dos Equis bottles from my childhood. And I think in the next few minutes, if you wander out to the sea by your home in California, you might find a little message just from me to you. Now, I'm curious, Claire. I've listened to some episodes of your podcast, and I know that you cover a wide gamut of subjects, but what got you interested in the British seaside? Well, Dan, you know, part of it definitely was the romantic names.

Oh, Devon, Yorkshun. Yorkshun upon Devon. Stratpan, Stratmancrothers upon Singdog. You know, it's really the upons. And I definitely, it's one of the questions that our listeners wrote in. You know, what is that? Where does that come from? Well, upon just means on. That's, you know... Well, it can't. It can't just mean on. I mean, I'm sorry to argue, you are the expert, but there's an up in front of it. It would just be Stratford on Avon. Well, Claire, now you're delving into one of my pet subjects, which is linguistics. Is that one of the towns? Linguistics upon language, England, 60609.

I think that everybody's honeymoon destination includes the seaside. Don't you think? Absolutely. There's something romantic about the infinite view of an endless sea that makes you think, perhaps my marriage will last as long as this sea is long. It's not endless, Claire. No, the romance ends in France. It really does. And, you know, going back again to William upon Conqueror, that was his thing. I want the love, is what he was saying. I don't want the mackerel. I do want the love. When I look out from the coast, it ends. The love ends. So, as you can see, England in general is rich with history, but the seaside of England, Claire, is rich with guano, yes, and history, and mackerel, much to the dismay of William the Conqueror.

The British seaside is full of disappointments, is what I'm hearing you say, when William arrived to find that he had not outrun the mackerel. Yeah, and they actually had built mackerel runs. So he left France hoping to escape this fish. The occasional mackerel. Right. Only to come to—England is translated, Claire, into our common language as land of the mackerel. Oh, I never knew that. England. England. Land of mackerel. Yes. What a disappointment. Well, and that is the disappointment of love that all of England seems to experience. The divorce rate here, Claire, is sky high.

So many folks don't even get married because the odds of getting divorced are so astronomical. 99 out of 100 married couples are divorced, and the last one usually ends in the death of one of the spouses. Well, the seaside is a dangerous place to live. Lots of things to fall off of. You know, there's a lot of love pacts like Romeo and Juliet, which famously took place at the British seaside. Right. You know, they think, if we're going to wind up in divorce, why not just jump over? Yeah, poison upon dagger. So, when people see the beauty of the British seaside, they're not seeing the mangled mass of desecrated bodies below on the sharp rocks.

You know, you've got a lovely view from the top. Right. But don't go down below. Right, right. Well, you know what, Dan, and what I'm going to take away from this is that the British seaside is a land of hope. How so? Because if 99 people a day are getting married— No, no, no, you're misconstruing— That's really, really hopeful. And it's beautiful. And so, I just want to encourage our listeners to travel to the land of romance and hope, the British seaside. I agree with your sentiment. I invite everyone to stop by the British seaside, ideally in the already married state.

Because if you're coming from another country, your statistics are different and you don't have so much to worry about. Right. Okay. Statistically upon mackerel. Claire, I've got to start making my way back down that cliffside now. I don't know if you'll just pardon me while I get out my crampons. Hold on one moment, Dan. There's some kind of garbage is knocking against my door. Hold on, I'm just going to— There's a knock upon door. Oh, no, it's a bottle that has washed up. It's an old Dasekis. I don't drink Dasekis, but— Is it what I think it is? I'm going to pull the note out right now.

All right, you read one line and I'll read one line. Oh, my goodness. Will you marry me? What? On a cliff beside the sea. Yes upon yes. And so, podcast guest and podcast host, we're joined in holy— Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining the podcast and for being a part of my beautiful marriage. And I would like to dedicate this episode to Daniel Sullivan, expert on the British seaside and my husband, now lost at sea. Cheers! Expert podcast listener we know you are.