ExperTeam Versus Communism!

Warning, this is not the Expertise podcast. This is an illegally recorded phone conversation about the Expertise podcast. By listening, you are a party to that illegality. And that's the best kind of party there is. Danno, do you have a minute for business? Yeah, do you mind if we reverse the charges? Oh no, not at all. I'm using my 1950s telephone, so I know this is long distance person to person. So if you wouldn't mind reversing the charges since you're the one who instigated the call. I do not mind reversing the charges. I'm used to this from those years when my husband was in jail.

Oh, perfect, perfect. Reversing the charges. And you might hear the operator just listening in. Charges reversed. If you hear someone clearing a throat or something. That's Sera, our local operator. Well, that's good because it will help to keep us on task so we don't waste any time on this call talking about things other than what the call is about. Right, right. In fact, if we talk about the call itself, what could be more about what the call is about than the call? Wow. That's scary. Sera? Is Sera there? No, I thought I heard someone clearing a throat. We might also be bugged by the communists.

It's my 1950s phone. And communism is rampant. This is a little bit sensitive about our business and I hope that neither of us get offended. Okay, Sera, close your ears. So, I had somebody approach me the other day at the market regarding our podcast. And they asked if we had a complaint desk. Did they recognize you from the podcast? No. This is the funny thing. They didn't know I had anything to do with the podcast. They just came over to complain. So, by asking around, they eventually found someone who was connected with the podcast. Well, they were mostly just complaining around.

And then I heard them. They were just mouthing off at the market about our podcast. So, what was the complaint? Well, I didn't take it because I'm not the complaints desk. So, that's what I thought. We should maybe install a complaints desk. I love the idea of a complaints desk, Claire. My only concern is that it wouldn't be nice enough and people might complain. Actually, Dano, that might be genius because that might put them off what they've actually come to complain about. They'd feel better about their original complaint when they saw the state of our complaint desk.

Have you made it like a labyrinth to get in there with questions? And just really uncomfortable to stand in front. It could have sort of a wavy mirror. So, if they happen to catch a glimpse of themselves, that even they themselves would look kind of queasy and sickly. Take their weight before they complain? Yes. We'll make it a requirement. It's like entering the country. You need to state your weight, your height, any contagious diseases. Really get them self-conscious. Yes. They'd have to fill out like a BuzzFeed quiz about who their soulmate might be.

This is starting to sound like actually kind of a fun thing to do. It sounds like maybe a great way to meet people. You know, you can find people your height, your weight, people with a contagious disease that conflicts with yours. That's how you get the strongest babies. Perfect. And what's better than strong babies? Dano, I think we should charge for people to come to our complaint desk. And you know what? We'll overcharge so they really have something to complain about. Now, you and I are so busy just doing the podcast. Oh, and by the way, we booked a podcast anywhere. I'll tell you about that later.

Oh, I cannot wait. I'm very excited to hear about that. I'm nervous. Yeah, our first private party. But we're going to need somebody to man, or wo-man, or person-man. It's person-man. Yeah, person-man is the proper... We'll need someone to person-man the complaint desk. Sarah, are you there? She listens to me. She listens in, but she doesn't like to acknowledge it. I don't think she's allowed. It is 25 cents for three minutes, so maybe it's cheaper if she doesn't listen. But I wonder if she'd be available, because there's almost nobody using these 1950s phones anymore.

She doesn't do much operating, if you know what I mean. I don't know what you mean. Sounds like a person-man observation. It was a sly innuendo. I really think we should get on this complaint desk revenue stream. Here's my first complaint, Claire. We're a little focused on the revenue streams. I feel like we focus so much on the revenue streams, that we stop focusing on the creativity of what is supposed to be this marvelous educational gift to the world. Gosh, Dano, that is a great admonition. You are absolutely correct. Okay, and my second complaint is those big words. I just don't know what they mean.

What's an admonition? That's a place where you get munitions to advertise. You're giving me a daffy-nition. That's a daffy-nition. I want a deffy-nition. What was the context? Can you spell it again, please? Your word is oolong. Could you use it in a sentence, please? This is 11-year-old Claire Sarah stepping to the microphone. If she correctly spells oolong, she will be this year's winner in the 11-72 age group. Oolong. Oolong. Mmmmm. I've been drinking this oolong so long, it's delicious. My oovula is quivering with excitement as I sample the oolong. Excuse me, this is 11-year-old Claire Sarah's mother.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought that was Sarah, our operator. Please, you have a very similar voice. Go ahead. I need to admonish the judge. Okay, that's A-D-M-O-N-I-S-H. Am I correct? You are correct. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Whoa. And ladies and gentlemen, that is the true story of how Dan O'Sullivan bested Claire Sarah. Oh, come on, people. Come on. In this year's Children and Adults Spelling Bee. Thank you. Claire, I thought you were going to make it on oolong. Thanks, everybody. That's a real trigger memory for me. I can't believe you found that on tape.

All right, Claire, I know this is a business call. I feel like I just wasted a lot of time playing back that memory tape of when we were both in the spelling bee. Yeah, but you were still an adult. Memories are funny things. Yes, yes, they are. Okay, so we've got our complaint desk situation set. Yeah, and you were admonishing me, right? I was, but you know, Dan O, I'm going to forgive. That's something that I learned that day at the spelling bee. Tis best to forgive than admonish. Hear, hear. And you know what, Claire, I see why you won the Synonym Bee.

You are good at that. Thank you. Great at that. Gratia. Fantastic at that. Merci. Well skilled at that. Bienvenue. Terrifically terrific at that. The pleasure is mine. Wow. Actually, why not have a thesaurus bee? Dan O, that is a great idea. That could be a real revenue stream for us. I see where you're going with this. Get all those really intellectual children and charge them an entrance fee, right? Yes. To enter the contest? Yep. And then what happens? And then, like a spelling bee, you give a word. So admonish. The word is admonish. A-D-M. Oh, but you don't spell it.

You don't spell it. You're out. Oh. Mixed child. That's a $50 penalty if you're out on the first word. Oh, Claire, that's brilliant, clever, ingenious, top-notch. See? There it is. So these kids would need to come with a pocket full of cash, it sounds like, by your rules. Yes. Oh, yeah, definitely. Are parents allowed to watch, or is it just us in a room full of children? Well, you know, legally anymore, you and I can't be in a room full of children. Not within 50 yards. Claire, I mentioned that we'd booked an Improv Anywhere gig. Someone heard us talking about that on the podcast and called to book us.

They would like us to do a birthday party for some 7-year-olds. Now that we have this idea for the Synonym Bee, I'm thinking it would be so much easier just to bring in that as kind of a party game, rather than actually to set up and do a podcast from the birthday party. What do you think? I love that. They're doing all the talking. We're not getting wear and tear on our vocal cords. And really, all we need to do is, we say one word to start that synonym ball rolling. Yes. And after that, it's just word association among the children. Yeah, no, this is the way to go.

Okay, we may need to do balloon animals. Okay. And I told them that you could do some magic tricks, that thing where you pull paper out of your mouth, I thought would be fun. The human printer? I'd really stop doing that. Well, Claire, it was such a party favorite amongst us in our 20s. You know, that dot printing bit, it really wore my teeth down. I think the kids would enjoy it. It really is something where we would give you the name of a document, and you were able to eject it from your throat and mouth in a fully printed form. And I think kids would always ask for something short and cute, you know, like a children's book.

I guess. So what have we got? The Complaint Desk. So we've got Complaint Desk. The Children's Party on the 28th. The Thesaurus Bee. And, you know, honestly, regarding the Children's Party, if it's like most of the children's parties I went to as a child, that's going to really drive business to the Complaint Desk. Right, right, right. Oh, this is going to be good. We need this revenue stream. The summer is when you make the money so that you can relax in the dead of winter. Oh. Gather ye flowers while ye may. All right. Thanks for the uplifting chat. I'll see you on the 28th.

Don't forget, I said that you would be in white face like a mime. No, no, Danno, no. Yes, got to go. Bye. No! Hello. Very good. Have a nice day, businessman. Ice cream.