The Skydiving Cows Expertease

We have an exciting podcast for you today with our special guest, Mr. Danno Sullivan-o. Danno, since you are a world-renowned parachutist and an expert in the origins of the parachute, I thought we could probe your area. What? Of expertise. Spelled wrong? You're listening to Expertise, spelled wrong, the podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Hey, Clare, it's great to be here with you. You know, there's nothing like adventure to bring out the spirit in a person. And nothing says adventure more than that man-made paradigm of safety, the parachute.

Parachute. So let's start off with how did it get its name? Have you ever been to Holland and seen the windmills? I have seen the windmills. I never put it together. So originally the windmills pointed up to create a draft from the ground towards the sky. Man has always dreamt of the sky, Clare. Yes. It represents the future. And what man can dream, man... I'm sorry, you sent me this script. It's just a... What man can dream, man can achieve. And it should be person. What person? If you could just say that again with person. I had scratched that out because I felt like either way, it just feels very pat and very contrived.

Right. If you wouldn't mind just saying it though, this is an improvised podcast. What a person can conceive, a person can do. Is that the way it goes? Right. Yeah. So in those early days in Holland, we're talking pre-Leonardo, you know, that's kind of the cutoff point. The modern parachute was developed by Leonardo da Vinci. But prior to that... Before da Vinci, that would be BV. BV. And AV. AVN. Right. So the AVN is of the bird. That's what AV is, of the. And AN means bird. Of the bird. Yeah. So man... Oh, I'm sorry. Person. Thank you. Wanted to be of the sky. So that was AV sky and BAV bird, AVN.

Very complicated time back then. Well, language, it was Italian because of Leonardo. So the first parachute must have been before the first plane was invented. Oh, long before, Claire. AVN. Planes did not exist. You know, this was not AV plane. This was AV bird. AV bird. So they would ride birds? No, they would watch birds, Claire. Watch birds. Man would watch humans. People, people would watch birds. Yes. Because birds, birds is all right. Birds is great. All right. I can say birds. Yeah. Blimey. This podcasting stuff is tricky. So. Pre Vinci. Yes. Pre Vinci. Which would be PV and post Vinci would be PV.

So it makes it very clear. So whether we're talking about PV or PV. Yes. And there was pre PV. Oh, PPV? Which happened even earlier. That was almost BC. Right. Just post BC, but pre BVD, which is the brand of underwear I like to wear when I'm parachuting. It's the safest. It's the warmest. Yeah. And some of the ladies say the most attractive. It's made of silks and it really can flap on the way down. The origins of parachuting is really not that interesting. It's everything you would expect. You know, a small boy, a small girl, child. Yes. What's the word for it?

A little person. Can we make it like a deer or a caribou? I feel like that's much easier than trying to. A human. I think it still needs to be a human. Okay. A small. I just feel like that misses the point of the story, you know, because it was boys watching the winds. Yeah. So maybe just take it out, make it. A cat. It doesn't have to be a caribou. A cat. Okay. Cat is great. Cat. Back in the day when cats would just watch the dandelion fluff soaring on the gentle spring breeze. Yes. And this is going to be really tricky, Claire, because there is some intricate string work threading through eyelets on the silk parachutes.

And I don't know if cats could do that. Where would they get the silk? Well, you could use cat gut, I suppose. Spider web. Spider web. All right. So in the early days, cats would use spider webs, which they. No, I don't. So we're going to need some sort of animal based, you know, the humans would have sewn together fabric. Right. So what would a cat use? A cat would probably, but like bird, like they would catch birds and they would just use birds. Let's give the cats palm fronds. The cats use palm fronds. The fronds from a palm tree. Yeah. That's really more like a plane, like they've created a plane.

Well, they would be sewn together in a bag shape. I'm just trying to follow the dictates of your podcast and keep everything non-sexist. I mean, would you mind if we just stuck with a child, a sexless child? And if you could just say that every time, a sexless child. Claire, I am not comfortable with that. I feel much more comfortable using. A sexy child, a very sexy child. I'm definitely not comfortable with that. A sexualized cat. Okay. A cat. So. Yes. There was a hyper-sexualized cat. Yes. Who uses spider webs to sew together palm fronds. And it took so long to get here, but that was the first parachute.

So this hyper-sexualized cat would leap off of a cliff in a sexual frenzy with palm fronds in the shape of a bag over its head, like clinging to the palm fronds woven together by a spider's web. Isn't that something? And that's not completely accurate, you know, but I want your listeners to be able to sort of read between the lines and understand what truly happened. Well, I appreciate you working with, you know, society's restrictions at this time. So that was PPV, and then we got post-PVD. And as I promised you, you know, in modern times, in my own skydiving career, skydiving is the adventure form of parachuting.

Parachuting is really for safety, to avoid crashing to the ground. Skydiving is speed, action, angled, nose first, straight towards the Earth's surface. In fact, it's so dangerous, Claire. Skydivers like me have taken a tip from Hollywood, and a lot of times what we'll do is use a stunt double because it's so frightening, so dangerous. But, I mean, I understand that, you know, you're filming it, that you would want a stunt double. No, no. That's kind of a cop-out, you know. If it's captured on film, you want it to be you. You want the glory and the paycheck, if I can be honest.

Right, right. But, you know, in everyday life, it is just, it's about the stupidest thing a man could, a sexualized cat could do. Thank you. Is to jump out of a plane, to plummet to the ground, right? Well, of course, you are the expert. You would probably know the stats. I'm the greatest living expert, Claire. You see the emphasis on that? Let me just ask you for some stats. How many hyper-sexualized cats have been hurt from skydiving? Most of the hyper-sexualized cats who are hurt are really still kittens, I would say. Oh, no. They haven't had the life experience that an expert has.

To say, stunt double, you know, call someone over and do the jump for me. Don't think that I'm going to jump out of a perfectly good airplane, as the saying goes. I love that saying. I guess I'm a little confused then. Do you advocate for people using a stunt double for all sort of risky, like if you're going white water rafting, or if you're doing crazy surfing in Hawaii? All great examples, Claire. You know, almost anything that a family man does on a family person, let's say, or just like a hyper-sexualized cat of a family. Right, yes. You know, like a sexy, sexy cat.

Yeah. Leader of a family. Right. I really appreciate you working with us on this. Yeah, I understand the restrictions, but anything that that person, that feline would do under those circumstances. You know, call for the stunt double. The stunt doubles need work, too. You don't want to endanger yourself or your family. When there's somebody who can do it for you. That's all I'm saying. I mean, I do understand that, but doesn't that take away some of the thrill for yourself? Oh, no. It's all vicarious, Claire. And you pay for that. You know, the vicarious, the level of vicariousness depends on the amount that you pay the stunt double.

You can stand really close to your stunt double. And for a higher amount of money, you get someone that looks really a lot like you. And when you watch the video playback from the GoPro cam. Right. You watch that video back. You recognize yourself because, you know, you always wear distinctive clothing. So the stunt double can match up. Right. Yeah. And to make it really realistic, sometimes you'll wear goggles. So a lot of your face is masked. Right. And a little trick I'll just share with your listeners, Claire. I often will do like a big bushy false mustache.

Like you would wear if you were a circus strongman in 1890. Yeah. Yeah. With a little handlebar. Yes. You got it. You got it. And your whole face is just covered up. And your stunt double can look exactly like you. And nobody, not even you, knows the difference when you're watching the playback. Dano, I'm certainly not accusing you or any hyper-sexualized cat representing you. I just want to bring up, you also run a business called Dano's Doubles. Dano's Doubles. Yep. It started off as a dating service, Claire, where we provided double dates for single dates who didn't know any other people.

To take the pressure off a single dating experience. And then after that, that did not prove to be as popular as we hoped it would, but we had the name copyrighted. So we started selling second bits of Middle Eastern fruit to anyone who had just a single date, we would offer a double date. Medjool was the brand. Oh, that's the king of dates right there. That, absolutely. Yes. That was slightly more popular than our original double date service for the romantic hookups between cats and... Don't say hookup if you don't mind. Meetings between different species.

Right. So our Medjool service was infinitely more popular, but still not really profitable. And then we finally settled on what became our Cash Cow, which was throwing cows out of airplanes for cash. We would attach them to a parachute and just, oh, the moo all the way down. That seems like... Are you familiar? I don't. Very heavy. Cows are very, very heavy. Yep. We would use a double chute. But how would they know when to pull? Isn't it a one, two, three, pull? Oh, we would send down a dairymaid with each cow. So each cow would have a dairymaid on a small milking stool attached to it and to the parachute above.

And, you know, the cream just rises to the top at 60 miles per hour straight to the earth. The milkmaid would pull the ripcord. Ideally, both cow and milker would arrive safely on earth. The great thing about a cow, Claire, is that it's got four hoofs. That is a solid stance for landing. Right. Yeah. But she's hanging under it? Not under, beside. Okay. Okay. Right. Very, very awkward. Yeah. The trick is, you know, like you pointed out, a cow is a very heavy animal. And if there's any cross currents in the air that day, you know, sometimes the milkmaid could wind up in a dangerous position on landing.

Well, also the other thing that rises is methane. And cows like to release it at will. And that's going to speed up the descent. Well, you've actually misunderstood the science, Claire. The cow-released methane creates an extra loft as it fills the silken canopy. Oh, so it methane's up into the canopy. That's right. And gas is lighter than air. We are destroying our earth's gentle ecosystem in the process. The cows are so frightened that the methane just blasts out like a rocket. But, you know, for safety, you've got two living creatures that you're concerned about with each drop.

Right, right. And boy, speaking of drops, do not stand under a skydiving cow. Oh, boy. I can just imagine. So back to Dano's doubles. We've got all these stuntmen, stunt doubles, stunt people. I'm sorry, stunt cats. Yes, stunt cats. Waiting to work. And whenever someone comes into Dano's doubles, we try to find somebody that looks the most like them with great big goggles and a big mustache. You know, I mean, there's nothing wrong with this. But I just want to point out that it's kind of nice for you that you happen to advocate safety of having a double, but then you are also providing the double.

I mean, I'm just wondering if you are maybe fudging the numbers a little bit of the danger to, you know, push the double. Yeah, follow the money, Claire. I'm not going to deny that I am a proud American business cat. All right. We've got a business for ground beef. You know, we sell hamburger to the customers and you know where we get the ground beef, right? When it hits the ground? When the beef hits the ground, the dollars start to fly. That's on one of my cushions back here. You're going to hold that against me too? It's the American way. I want to say that I was not aware that you were a multi-hyphenate businessman, but I'm not sure I would really be able to recommend my listeners hire your company for a parachuting excursion.

To be honest, with cows drop in, methane fly in, doubles drop in. You make it sound really fun, Claire. If I were listening to this podcast, I would hire me. Well, I guess people, hyper-sexualized cats can make up their own minds of what's a fun time for them. Thank you so much, Dano, for joining us today. Very enlightening. As far as the safety of parachuting with this company, ladies and gentlemen, I would watch your family medjools if I were you. Great to be here, Claire. Thank you. The Expertise, spelled wrong, podcast is free and, like the Amish, all are welcome.

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