The Did You Drop Your Handkerchief? Expertease

Good morning, Expertease listeners from around the globe. I'm your host, Danno Sullivan, and my special guest today is Bruno Hofschmidt, an expert in wholesale hardware. Whoops. Oh, excuse me, miss, did you drop your handkerchief? Oh, I, oh, pardon me. I'm just hosting a podcast here with Bruno Hofschmidt, an expert in wholesale hardware, but I couldn't help but notice your handkerchief is so fine, so delicate. So, I wonder if you'd like to be a guest on a podcast. Well, I'm not, what kind of a podcast is it? Would you mind handing me back my handkerchief? It's called Expert.

Oh, thank you. Allergies at this time of year, whew. You're listening to Expertease, spelled wrong, the podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Welcome back to the Expertise podcast. My special guest today is Claire Sarah, who is an expert in the handkerchief. Claire Sarah, welcome to the broadcast. Thank you for having me and for your appreciation of this fine and lost square of fabric. In this day and age, Claire, so few carry that dainty square of fabric. Danno, that is the beauty of the handkerchief. And let me begin by telling you why we call it a handkerchief and not a nose kerchief, ear kerchief, foot kerchief, spleen kerchief.

I have always wondered why it's named after the hand and not the other body parts kerchief. Well, because you hold it in your hand, Danno. But you blow it on your nose. Through your hand, via the hand, via the vehicle of your hand. My understanding of the handkerchief is that there's a world, there's a language behind the handkerchief. Like the Victorian fan, the handkerchief can be dandled in different poses to say certain things to certain people at certain times. What is a Victorian fan but a starched handkerchief, which itself is a statement, right? Yes, indeed.

And I guess that explains why it was originally called the handkerfan. From the original German. From the Germo-Greek. Yeah. So let's say we're at an event, the opera comes to mind. Of course. So many people attend the opera with a- La traviata. Si, si. Bueno, bueno. Yes, yeah. I mean, that's what we would have before going to the opera. Delicious plate of la traviata with truffles. So you've dined well, you've dabbed your corners, and you're at a high-class affair, like the opera, the opera. Yes. The opera, the opera. It's just called the opera. It's just the opera. It's the opera.

Got it, got it. And let's just imagine the situation. You've got a non-mustard-stained handkerchief. Right. And the thing is, Claire, I do know that at these high-tone affairs, people don't think twice about attending with just a horrible nose cold or flowing allergies. So some people are using the handkerchief for what I consider its intended purpose, you know? Let me wipe my nose. But then we've got the ladies over there with their little dabbers. If you don't mind me saying, not its intended purpose, but one of its purposes. And if you study the handkerchief, you will notice, is it embroidered?

Does it have a lace parameter? Is it tucked in a triangle, folded in a fan? This is to let the people who are also attending this affair know your state. Are you open? Are you looking? Looking for love? Is that what you're implying? Well, there's looking for various things. Of course, back in that day, you could be looking for a hired hand. Okay. A horse. If you were looking for like a snack, late night snack, you could just fold it. Yes. So the language of the handkerchiefs really is vast. It truly is a language. Well, it's what semaphore was born out of. What is semaphore but a bunch of waving flags?

And what are flags but a bunch of waving handkerchiefs? That's it. That's it. What did I say except what you just said? So women would be walking around the beautiful, grandiose lobbies of these old art theaters and waving. Doing those great big arm gestures with their handkerchiefs out. I need a horse. I need a man. I need a snack. Now you personally, Claire, when you've attended the operand and these handkerchief semaphore situations, have you ever accidentally attracted a horse when you were really trying to get a snack or attracted a snack when you're trying to find a man?

Well. Any of those comic situations? I'm not even embarrassed to say so because I mean, it's so subtle, the differences. And if you don't mind me saying, the men didn't really take the time to learn the language. So they just saw a woman waving. But that would attract a man nevertheless. Well, yes. In fact, my wife and I met at an opera. I just saw her waving over in the balcony and I didn't know what the language was. You know, I don't speak Hanky. You just speak Panky. That's what attracts a man. I know. Well, that's obviously why it has stopped because so many injuries of women are absolutely tackled over the balcony to their deaths.

I gotta say, in my case, it worked out beautifully, Claire. I tackled my wife and threw her over the balcony. We tied the knot, literally, with a handkerchief. With a handkerchief, proper. And we now have six little babies all swaddled in pin-on Hankies. Now, Claire. Yes. We've only got a couple of minutes left. There are a couple of things I'd really love to get to. Handkerchiefs, bandanas, what's the difference? During that time, of course, you know, the cowboys that would come to the opera. Sure. And that's where they would bring their horses. So you'd have cowboys in the lobby and they got to seeing these handkerchiefs waving and they thought about dabbing their sweaty brows of a hot afternoon out on the range.

But they couldn't have lacy, embroidered handkerchiefs. If I may, are you saying that in all of history up to this point, the cowboys had nothing to dab their brows with? Well, it's a sad point of history, but they would use small animals. So they would actually work up a sweat catching an animal that they could then use to dab off their sweat. Yeah, hopefully. I mean, hopefully they weren't catching a porcupine or a hedgehog or a skunk, you know? Well, I've been to some operas that stink, that's for sure. So this is quite a mishmash of types that are showing up at the opera all due to the presence of the hankies.

You got your cowboys, you got your horses, you've got your women who might be looking for a cowboy or a horse. You have your women who might just be there for a snack and some music. Yes, exactly. Believe it or not. So this just feels like disaster waiting to happen. Well, and as you yourself experienced, it wasn't just waiting. I'm sure you've heard about the famous opera house of the Scala in Italy that was absolutely destroyed by a stampede and a particular showing of an opera where there were more women than in general and the handkerchiefs were a plenty and signals got mixed.

Signals got mixed. Horses were on the second floor. So you just had a stampede of all these various creatures crashing across the stage, knocking down the walls of the beautiful opera house. Did they ever rebuild that opera house, Claire? They have rebuilt it and you'll see a big sign up front, no handkerchiefs or bandanas, but the horses are still allowed in, which I thought was really nice. That's nice, because you know, music soothes the savage beast. Indeed, indeed. Well, and Dano, I'm so glad that you would have me on because I'm hoping to bring back the handkerchief.

Well, that's what drew me to you in the first place, Claire. I saw you waving on the sidewalk. Oh, that's right. For all my listeners at home, she was surrounded by a corral full of ponies, six other podcasting men, and interestingly, seven Victorian ladies all with their lace-lined hankies. And two pizzas. I don't know how to order a pizza with a handkerchief. I can get that out of the podcast today. Well, Little Caesars is the only one right now that's on board, but I really hope that we'll get more. But I do feel like, you know, let's get rid of Tinder. Let's get rid of Hinge.

Let's get rid of Uber Eats. Let's bring back the soft, gentle, silent handkerchief. That's beautifully put, Claire. I'd like to thank you for making a surprise guest appearance on the podcast today. My guest has been Claire Sarah, chief of all the handkerchiefs speaking on her speciality, the handkerchief. Thank you so much. And let me tell you, folks, she is a real lady. The Expertise, spelled wrong, podcast is free. And like the Amish, all are welcome. Be sure to sign up for our email announcements at funnypodcast.co and follow us in your favourite podcast app, like the expert podcast listener we know you are.