The Murder of Emily Horehound, by Agatha Christie Expertease

Warning! This is not the Expertise podcast. This is an illegally recorded phone conversation about the Expertise podcast. By listening, you are a party to that illegality. And that's the best kind of party there is. Hello, the offices of Expertise. This is Clare. Oh, Clare, it's your podcast partner, Danno, calling for our weekly business call. You sound so chipper considering your atrophied muscles must still be present. I judge by the presence of your hydraulic phone lift. Oh, yes. Well, the hydraulic phone lift is doing exactly what it's supposed to.

I mean, sometimes muscles need rest, Danno. I just needed to rest my muscles and let them fulfill their atrophy and then start them up again from scratch. Having gone back to zero, are you feeling slightly stronger now? Yeah, well, I'm probably at one. What can you lift? I don't know that I could say I could lift, but I can push the button that activates the phone. That's so great, Clare. That means we can take off the mental transceiver. Yeah, because that was actually my brain is starting to atrophy a little bit. So that's a lot of exertion. Clare, there is some concern around the office about your brain atrophying.

You know that we had a very, very few requirements for the job when you came in. Let me guess who put in that complaint or observation. Emily Horehound. Oh, Clare, that tone and voice. You take that tone and voice right out of here, young lady. I will double down on that tone and voice. Was it Emily Horehound who brought into question my... Do you think Emily Horehound is gunning for your job? Think it. She's got a six pack of guns on her belt. Do you mean a six gun? You think she has a six gun? Yeah, I know she does. To come gunning for you at your job. Yeah, she's literally threatened my life on three occasions.

Clare. What? When someone nice like Emily threatens your life, that's a figure of speech. Your life is so minimal right now, Clare, with your vinegar sodden muscles. You know, you're like an egg that's been soaking in vinegar for a month. You're just rubbery now. Why would you want your job of flopping around the office, answering the phone with a mentally triggered button? That's all you can do anymore. First of all, I don't flop. I roll. I roll with purpose. That's admirable. That's actually a step forward. And I mean step as a figure of speech. Well, you know, here's the thing, Dano.

I bring more to this podcast than Emily Horehound brings to the coffee clutch. I mean, that's her job. That is literally her job. She is fine in the clutch, if you know what I'm saying. Oh my gosh. See, this is it. You're blinded. I mean, she puts the whore in whorehound, and I am not afraid to say it. I mean, I wouldn't say it in front of her with her six pack of guns. Why does she care, Clare? What does she have to gain by harming you? Dano, I do not know the answer to that at this moment, but I'll tell you, I am on it. I'm using my brain tree receiver to get onto the internets and the world wide webs, and I am going to find something out on that woman.

Clare, you did just get a raise. Remember, we fired Chris Naughty Pine, and we decided we would divide his salary between the two of us since we were now producing in his stead. I wonder if she's trying to increase her own income by eliminating you the way we eliminated Naughty. Well, I'll tell you why I don't think that Miss HH is on my side either. I've been trying to get more spinach in my diet because we know that's the best way possible. Good for the muscles, good for the brains. She brings me tofu burgers and slapshods. I don't know where she's getting her slapshods.

I don't trust it. I am sorry to coming across with negatives at this time, but there's just so much going on right now, Dano, that I don't feel I have a handle on, of course, in my weakened state. In your weakened state, your only responsibility has been answering the phones. Emily has still been running the hat check out in the lobby. She's doing intake with the guests. And, Dano, we've had some complaints that she hasn't done outtake. I know. Good God, our waiting room is just full of guests who haven't left. Yeah, I think she's forgetting that part of the gig.

Okay. Do you mind talking to her about that? Well, I'm afraid of her. I feel like this is the way to overcome that, is to have something concrete to go in with. This is a definite thing that you want to solve, that you want to talk about, that you want to accomplish with Emily. You know, you ladies, you've got to get on together. You're right, Dano. You know what? I'm going to work on that. I'm going to work on my relationship with Emily Horehound. I'm going to come at her womano a womano and see if we can't get on the same page. That's great. Do wear a little protection.

I have a hydraulic vest. Claire, could I ask you about an expense I'm considering? Oh, sure. You know, the ratings for the podcast have been plummeting. Yeah. Yeah, they have. The ratings for the podcast have been plummeting. Oh, gosh. We've got to do something about this. Yeah. You know, it's only this week that your jaw muscle has allowed you to be speaking again. Well, that's probably affected some of the ratings, not having an actual podcast taped. Exactly. So, I'm looking here in the back of Mechanics Illustrated magazine, and there is a series of classified advertisements.

This one says, Become a Podcaster. New York City Podcasting School creates professional podcasters. I sent a self-addressed stamped envelope. Right. I had to rummage through your desk. I hope you don't mind. I don't mind a rummage now and then. Good. Good. Apparently, based on the envelope they sent back, I have been accepted. What? I have been approved for podcasting school. Dano, this is great news. This is really going to take us to the next level. I think so. Now, it's mail order. I mean, it's a correspondence course. Oh, correspondence podcasting course. Interesting.

So, what do you think? Should I go for it? Well, I mean, you've already been accepted. So, you start off with vocal training through the mail. And I'm guessing what we're going for is kind of that rich, resonant podcasting voice. Opening up places in your skull. Oh, Claire. Oh, Claire. Be careful when you do that. Some of your skull places are actually opening up. Oh, sorry about that. Yeah, my plates have not yet welded again. Yeah, got to get that spinach going. Thank you. And we'll get you some slap shots. No, I don't need any more slap shots. Then the next step is choosing a co-host.

Okay. You know, I'm really looking forward to that chapter. I think there's going to be some really interesting information. Because I guess the idea is that if you're going to do a podcast, it's best to do it with somebody who's clever, quick on the uptake, has a great speaking voice, well-connected with lots of guests, muscles and bones that actually allow that person to stand up vertically. You know who would be great for this? Emily Horhound. Gosh. Okay, Dan, you know what? I want you to look into the address of this podcasting school. Sure. I've got it right here.

Yeah. And then I want you to also call up Emily Horhound's New York address. It's 123 New York Avenue, Box HH. Yeah. All right. New York City. You see, I was even starting to think as you were talking there, it's like you already run a podcast. Right. And you have a partner. You have a podcast partner. Hello. Hold on if you can't see me. Oh, oh, oh, there, right into the, there, into the camera frame. Perfect. Dano, you're being horhounded. What? Is that a verb? She's having you apply to the school. She's going to get inside your mind. She's going to convince you that you need a different partner.

And guess who is not going to be around anymore? I was a little suspicious that it was $4.99 for the entire course. All right, Claire, you've convinced me. Emily Horhound is out to get you, and we've got to get out to get her. But Dano, she's got an ironclad contract. And I know because she took it from pieces of my hydraulic situation. Oh, your iron hydraulic lift? How are we going to get rid of her? We got Chris Naughty Pine out of his contract. Yeah, Dano, we're going to need to figure out. How do you solve a problem like a whorehound? You know how Emily Horhound got her name? That's not her real name.

What? Yeah, that's her office name. You know how people have stage names and nom de plumes? Oh, gosh, yeah. That's her office name. Because of the whorehound lozenges, she prefers to suck. You need to sleuth out her last name. I'm going to sleuth out her real name. You sleuth out where she buys her lozenges. Right. And somehow we can combine this information into a devilish scheme that no one will ever be able to trace to us. You know what else? Just as a backup, I'm going to line the hats. Oh, the hats at the hat check? Yeah, with that, what is that poison if you touch it?

Lead? Yeah, I'm going to do some lead lining. No one will notice lead lining in their hats, Claire. That's good thinking. Yeah, so we can come at her from the outside and the inside. Wait, wait, wait. Those hats belong to our guests that come into the offices. All Emily does is put them on a shelf. So you will actually be brow poisoning our guests with their lead-lined hat, Claire. You've got to crack a few eggs to make a death omelet. All right, I'm in. You know, it's not the murder scheme I would have thought of. What you're saying that lining the hats of visiting guests with lead poisoning so our hat check girl might get some on her fingers while we are injecting, say, what's that almond poisoning?

Almond poison. We're going to replace her lozenges with almonds. Yeah, yeah. No tinctures. This is going to be whole. Yeah, straight up almonds. She's going to be Emily whole almond. Yes, yes, yes. Claire, your body may be atrophied and barely able to lift itself off the puddle on the ground that it is, but your brain is operating like a mad genius. Thank you, Dano. All right, let's get on this plan. How do we keep this call out of the hands of the coppers? Oh, that's a good idea. Maybe we need to just take a little extra poisoning to the police station. That's going to start to look suspicious when you wheel down to the police station smelling of almonds.

Right, right. Almonds and lead. I'll just say it's Christmas. It's a traditional expertise Christmas. Almonds and lead for everyone. Right. God bless us all. Fortunately, we live in a small village where that sort of eccentric behavior is not frowned upon. And, you know, I can blame so many things on the smell of my hydraulic lift oil. Perfect. Now, I'm thinking we need to poison the entire police department before we poison Emily. So that we can pin the whole thing on little Miss... On the police. No, no, on Emily. On Emily, on Emily, right? I lost the... Emily Whole Almond.

Emily Whole Almond. All right, she's going down. And that's the way we're going to frame her up. So I'm going to go off to... I'm going to go to podcasting school. Your job, meanwhile, is to infiltrate yourself into Emily's every moment of life. You've got to change all the monograms on all her handkerchiefs from HH to WA. Whorehound to Whole Almond. But wait, won't that give away that we are behind the almond poisoning? Well, you have to do it surreptitiously. But why are we going to call her Almond and then poison her with almonds? It feels like we shouldn't mention almonds at all.

We're not. We are going to imply that Emily herself has taken on this new persona. In the same way that she adopted Whorehound as her name to office, now she's taking on this murderous name of Whole Almond. And to carry on that charade, she's changing the monogram on her handkerchiefs and other places where her name shows up. So she's going to declare herself Emily Whole Almond and then poison the police station with almonds. Exactly. Not almonds. What is the poison that is made from almonds? Whole almonds are more poisonous than any poison made from almonds.

Why not just go with the Whole Almond is my point. That's why she's Emily Whole Almond. Okay. Very good. Very good. Yeah. All right. No one will be able to trace this to us. I love that we've become a crime enterprise, Claire. No one would suspect a comedy podcast to resort to this sort of nefarious activity. I feel like we're actually just rising to meet the occasion. Yeah. You're right. If we think of it as crime, then it is crime. If we think of it as solving a problem that needs to be solved. Yes. That's right. Let's just do it. Let's not give it any second thought.

But I'll tell you what. I need to take a break. Oh, from the podcast? I mean, right now. I need to nap. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right, Claire. Did you ever see Strangers on a Train? Yes. This one time, the one guy. I mean, he was abs—I mean, his hat and his hair. No, no. Not strangers that you personally saw on a train. Oh, okay. I mean, there was a movie called Strangers on a Train. Not familiar. Well, let me clue you in. The whole premise is that because the two strangers just randomly happened to meet on a train, no one can ever connect them together when they agree to commit murders on each other's behalf.

So from this point on— We take the train to work. Yep. That's going to be the thing. Okay. And then that's where we plan it. No, it's already planned. But— But by taking the train, no one will ever be able to suspect us. We'll claim that we came up with it on the train, and then that clears you of any kind of indictment. Now, I live upstairs from the offices, so it may be a little suspicious if I'm suddenly taking the train to work every day. But you know what? We'll cross that trestle when we come to it. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, you're pro-transit. That's it.

I'll start putting out pro-transit pamphlets to say that expertise is supporting the growth of our fair city. This makes so much sense. I'm feeling really good about it. They say there's no such thing as the perfect crime. Right. And this is not a crime. No, no, no. This is a rising to occasion. It is perfect. Okay, Claire. We've got our assignments. See you next week. All right. Thanks for the call.