The Newly Discovered Works of Shakespeare Expertease

Danno Sullivan, since you are an expert in the lost writings of Shakespeare, I thought we could probe your area. What? Of expertise. Naturally. You're listening to Expertise, spelled wrong. The podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Each podcasode of Expertise brings you the recognized expert in the field, whatever the field happens to be, and whether or not that expert actually knows anything about it. When it comes to oddly specific expertises you probably never thought you needed to know more about, we are the experts.

Danno Sullivan, welcome to our podcast. Prithee, my lady. Oh, look at you speaking in that Bardo speak already, using your... What wouldst thou? A lot of our listeners are fans, of course, of Shakespeare, and we all know his great plays, Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, Joanie Wants a Doggy. I say that in jest because, of course, people know all of the actual titles of Shakespeare, but you have the greatest discovery probably of the 21st century. I believe you were visiting his home. In Stratford-upon-Avon. That's the place where you actually sell the products door-to-door.

Yes, I do travel door-to-door selling Avon. Right. Ding dong, Shakespeare calling. So cute, so cute. Yeah, it catches people by surprise. You know, people are used to people selling vacuum cleaners door-to-door, brushes door-to-door, Tupperware door-to-door, Girl Scout cookies door-to-door. But who shows up with the complete unabridged works of William H. Shakespeare? You do. I do. And I'm proud of it. People see that big stack of books and they think, oh, God, the Encyclopedia Britannica again. And I open those leather-bound volumes up to reveal that famous name, that famous portrait.

And, you know, I don't reveal the famous price till a little bit later. Very smart. But we're here to talk about the day that you were actually in the cottage of the Bard himself. Well, it was sort of a mistake, Clare. I was out selling my complete unabridged works of William H. Shakespeare door-to-door when I knocked on a door of— Excuse me, I'm sorry, just one moment. William H. Shakespeare. So he has the same name as Jesus. Jesus H. Christ, yes. Right, right. And William H. Macy. I did not know that. So you've already given us behind-the-scenes facts. And I'm so sorry, I interrupted you.

So I was out selling my unabridged works of William H. Shakespeare door-to-door when I knocked on a door and discovered that my knock was shockingly silent. Where was that usual rat-a-tat-tat of knuckle-on-wood that I'd grown so accustomed to? Well, my knuckles were hitting on the thatched door of the Old Globe Theater made of wattle, daub, and thatch. I love their work. Oh, my gosh. The comedy troupe wattle, daub, and thatch. So good, so funny, I'm laughing just thinking about them. Daub in particular, am I right? Yeah, oh, my gosh. But wattle, daub, and thatch aside, there you were, you found yourself alone, nobody else around.

So I was able to open that door, wander on in. But that is where you stumbled upon the old trunk that had what you claim are the lost writings. The lost writings of William H. Shakespeare. So what I'd been peddling, Claire, as the complete works, suddenly I realized are no longer complete. Now, cha-ching, I'm seeing dollar signs right off the bat because I can go back to all those previous customers and tell them, sorry, folks, if you want the complete set, you're going to need this addendum. Now, the thing was, I'm not a businessman, Claire, I'm a door-to-door salesman.

So when I started going back to these customers, I realized I only had one new addendum that I could sell to one customer. Right, one actual manuscript. Yeah. In retrospect, I should have had it appraised. I should have had it duplicated. You would think. I mean, it's a national treasure. It's a world treasure, not just like a door-to-door book to sell. Well, hindsight is 20-20 vision, am I right? I think most people probably would have seen that quite clearly. You know, I saw it as a $20 add-on to the complete volumes that I had. If I may say, that really is thinking small.

I mean, I hope you don't mind. Well, my customer was a Miss Jenny Goswald of 14 North Main Street. Of the Coswalds? Goswald with a G. Oh, I see. Right, right. In the Cotswolds. And Goswald of the Cotswolds, yeah. Right, right. You're doing one of those waddle-dobbin. I'm sorry. I just had to do their bit, waddle-dobbin thatch. Goswald of the Cotswolds. Never forget that one. You know, that is really one of my favorite of their bits. Should we do a little bit of it? It is a fine day, Mr. Thatch. Thank you so much, Mr. Dob. Who's that waddling on by? That waddle is a Cotswald of the Goswalds.

Oh, gosh. We're nowhere there timing, but it's still a great bit. No, it's all in the timing. It was all in the timing. So, Miss Jenny Goswald of the Cotswolds. Right. I think she was a little irritated when I showed up back at her door because it had taken me three trips to convince her to buy the works of Shakespeare. Part of me, you know, I'm not really a reader of people. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Which for a salesman, you know, can be a plus, can be a minus. But part of me feels like maybe she bought the books in the first place just to get me off her porch. Oh, gosh.

That's not a great. So, you know, a month or so later, here I am back on her porch again, rat-tat-tatting, knuckle on wood, and she opens that door up. Keeps the screen door closed. And as a trained salesman, I do know to take that as a sign of defense. I mean, that seems like quite an obvious move psychologically for a woman to keep. From the customer standpoint. Yeah, yeah. One of the most important things as a salesman, Claire, is keeping optimistic, you know. You get so much negative. You get so much. I remember this bit from Waddle, Dob, and Thatch. They keep trying to say the word and they stutter over it.

Yeah, they end up saying negativity. Yes. Oh, that 1640s comedy. A little naughty and a lot of fun. But there is a lot of negativity in sales, in any kind of sales. And so we're always looking for anything that we can flip around and make it seem a little more optimistic. Sort of just feels like ignoring what the customer wants and being pushy would be another way to look at that. Right. And what I'm saying is let's not look at it that way. Fair enough. Let's negate what the podcast host is trying to lay on me, you know. I think you're using some good creativity in that approach.

Was that Waddle or Dob? I can never quite tell. That was Thatch. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that is Thatch now that you say it. So I see the screen door closed and, you know, part of me is thinking, all right, maybe she just has a fly problem. Whatever you need to tell yourself, right? Yeah, that's it. You've got to psych yourself up into a frame of mind. So she looks out through the screen door, which I do not take as a negative sign. She says, oh, you. So she recognized you. Yeah. You are thinking like a salesman now. What's the positive spin on what could seem negative?

Right. Oh, you. Now, you know, I'd heard that several times from several ex-wives. So part of me is kind of on edge, but I'm keeping that salesman optimistic outlook. And I say, Mrs. Goswald. And in my mind, I'm hearing it completely in the voice of Thatch. Mrs. Goswald. When that happens to you. Oh, my gosh. I know that feeling so much. I have daubed in public so many times. And other people don't get it, you know. I know. If they're not into that. And to them, it just looks stupid. Right. It looks like I'm just squatting. So, oh, you. I say, pretty madame. You know, it's kind of my salesman's spiel.

Cute. Right. And by the way, I didn't mention I'm in knee breeches, you know, for these sales. Oh. Silken knee breeches and maroon tights. And anything else? Yeah, fully dressed in Shakespearean era garb. I had a little bit of a picture for a minute. Okay. Yeah, she's able to piece together rather quickly who I am. Okay. And she thinks that I'm there to collect the third payment on the books I had already sold her. You know, it's $100 or 100 pounds, as they say over there in the Cotswolds. Prithee, go on. I think thee. So, she thinks I'm there to collect. Right.

And I say, good lady, if I may. Yeah. And that kind of piques her interest. I mean, who has called her a good lady recently? Certainly not Mr. Goswold. So, she cracks that screen door open just an inch or two. From within my leather jerkin, I produce this vellum manuscript. Oh. Her eyes light up. What I don't know is that she is the arbiter of historic manuscripts. No way. At the university. I cannot. Hold on. I've just got to let my podcast listeners have a moment to take this in. I mean, because of all the gin joints on this little hill of beans, that is an amazing coincidence.

I'm sorry to quote Shakespeare there, but I just got so excited. I think a little liniment on the gin joints will take care of that. Now, this is all in retrospect. I didn't know this at the time. But her eyes lit up, and I'm thinking, here's a sale. Here's a sale coming in. Of course, that's what you would think. Yes. So, she steps out on the porch and takes one look at this manuscript. And I'm just imagining at this moment she's got a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, probably a martini in the other hand, and she's wearing one of those Cotswolds robes that they're so famous for.

Yes, she was wearing one of the Cotswolds robes. I mean, I just want to paint a picture for our listeners. Yeah. She was very casual. Let's just say that. So, she is the arbiter of authenticating papers? Manuscripts is the word. Manuscripts. Ancient and antique manuscripts. Oh, my gosh. But I think she was having a bit of a hard day. You know, judging from her smeary mascara, the loose fit of her Cotswold robe, just guessing from her demeanor, this martini was her third or fourth or fifth of the morning. Oh, Jenny. She steps out, and in that Cotswolds accent, you know, it's almost like listening to a Waddle and Dob sketch.

Oh, gosh. She screams at me, You again! You again! and where I thought she was stepping out onto the porch to take a closer look, she was stepping out on the porch to give me a big shove, a big push. She screams at me, I ain't read but one third of them volumes you sold me. I ain't paying no more till I read the rest. And I says, My lady, my lady. No, no, no. She starts pushing me back towards the top of the cement steps, and the breath on this woman. Oh, no. So, with one puff of that breath and one push of her mitt, I'm toppling towards the top of the stairs.

Oh, my gosh. And this is when disaster struck, Cleo. I thought it already had. This is amazing. The manuscript, this newly discovered ancient Shakespearean manuscript, falls out of my hands. She reaches for it just as I reach for it. The cocktail topples, No. spills alcohol over those ancient pages, No. and as an ash of cigarette drops, the entire thing No. goes up in flame. No! And there we were. I said, My lady, do you realize what you've done? She doesn't even think twice. Off my porch with you! And one more push, I tumble down, head over heels, waddle over dob to the foot of the stairs without even my leather jerkin protecting me.

Danno. Claire. I cannot. If I had known what I'd lost that day and the time that I lost it, my heart would have been broken. Right. As it was, it was only a leg and two ribs. So, I did not know the ending to this story. I was really looking forward to sharing with our readers some of the lost writings of Shakespeare. Oh, well, we've still got some, you know. It's a word here and a word there. I don't know if anyone could piece all this together. We've got probably 11 words total. Oh, my goodness. 11 words. And it could be something that he wrote. It could be a piece of a little sonnet.

Ginny Goswald, in her sobriety, was able to analyze the ashes, realize with great, great sorrow in her heart, you know, what she had destroyed, and was able to use the most modern scientific methods to analyze the paper, the ink, the handwriting, and even the vocabulary. For example, two of the words were William and Shakespeare. Oh, right, because he would sign it, of course. It was signed. Yeah. So, you know, that seems like a bit of a giveaway. And then when we found the initial H, we knew what we had, Claire. And she has managed to piece these eight words along with the signature, these singed pieces, together.

And it's really a real collector's item. Now, just give me a minute. Just listen. Okay, okay. We believe that it was a 65-page manuscript. And she has spaced these eight words out in the original distance they would have been from each other over 65 otherwise blank pages. Now, these are available today, Claire, in a signed set Along with all the other works of William H. Shakespeare, you get this newly discovered volume with all eight words plus an original lithographed William Shakespeare signature. What would you pay for that? Hang on. Before you answer me, Claire, I want to show you this.

This is a jello mold in the shape of William Shakespeare's neck ruffle. Okay, sure, sure. Imagine serving this up, Claire, with your favorite canned fruit, some Vienna sausages on the side. That does sound really good. And that's how you become the life of the party. The Cotswolds. Start doing some Waddle Dove and Thatch routines. Right. You know, with a dessert treat like this. And, my dear, you are going to be popular in the neighborhood. I'm just going to say this has been very interesting. I mean, your experience has been something like a Shakespearean play, but I can't really recommend to my listeners that they sign up for...

I understand. You can't make a decision until you talk to your husband. Am I right? No, that is not at all what I'm saying. I'm saying that to buy a 65-page document that contains eight words that Jenny Goswald, who we all know is an alcoholic floozy, put together in an order that she claims is the original order, it's smelling. Yeah. There's something rotten in Denmark is what I'm saying. What is that? What kind of language is that, Claire? I don't appreciate you impugning my nationality and my roots. Maybe you don't approve of what I do for a living or the woman that I've chosen to make my life with now.

Please don't tell me. The woman who has nursed me back to health. No, please do not tell me. But for you to come down and to insult my Denmark childhood. So, you're telling me that... Calling me rotten. You're with Jenny and now the two of you have this scam where you're claiming that you have the lost writings of Shakespeare. I mean, I'm sorry. I have to apologize to my... Jenny, Jenny, can you get in here? Ow! She's having at you, is she? Well, let's just give her a bigger tooth. Let's give her the old waddle-a-dob, shall we? Jenny, stay back, stay back. Oh, Jenny.

Ow! Stay there for then. Away, away with thee, I say, and to the anethery. The Expertise Spelled Wrong podcast is free. And, like the Amish, all are welcome. Be sure to sign up for our email announcements at funnypodcast.co and follow us in your favorite podcast app, like the expert podcast listener we know you are. Fellow listeners, please do not sign up, do not go to the show notes, and do not follow any of the links. This is Claire Sarah for Expertise. Today we had someone who was a tease and not an expert.