The Safe Cracking Expertease – Live at San Quentin!

Our audience tonight is composed mostly of felons. And Clare Sera, that's your... Expertise! Spelled wrong? Naturally. And, since you specialize in safe cracking, I thought we could probe your area. Pardon? Of expertise, for sure. You're listening to Expertise, spelled wrong. The podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Each podcasode of Expertise brings you the recognized expert in the field, whatever the field happens to be, and whether or not that expert actually knows anything about it. When it comes to oddly specific expertises you probably never thought you needed to know more about, we're the experts.

Welcome to the podcast, laudbongs and piddlepans. I'm your host, Dan-odge Sullivan-tow, pronounced Danno Sullivan in the English language to which I was born. My special guest today is Clare Sera, a convicted but expert safe cracker. Clare Sera, welcome to the podcast. Thank you, Danno Sullivan. Now, are you speaking the language of the bush people, or is that the sound of you clicking through the dial of a safe? It is a dialect, Danno, of safe cracking people. I always knew there was a secret language among thieves like honor among thieves, also language, code words, because you don't want the rosers coming down on you, do you?

Not the rosers, absolutely. The schnauzers, maybe. For our listeners at home, rosners was Victorian slang for the police, and schnauzers, of course, Clare, is Victorian slang for the dog that is called a schnauzer. A police dog, no doubt. Yeah, well, please don't get me started about police dogs. My buttocks. I'm a little surprised to hear that the police would be using their vicious police schnauzers to come after such sort of a mild-mannered crime as safe cracking. That doesn't seem like there's a lot of hunting down and chasing teeth in the haunches, that sort of thing.

Danno, you're absolutely right, there's not. And, you know, the only reason that those coppers do it. Coppers, now that's slang, right? Yes. That's long for cop? Yes. Yeah, the best slang elongates a word. It's not an abbreviation, Danno. It's slang. It's what we call it amongst the safe crackers, you know. Coppers, we say. Copperiesmen, sometimes we'll call them. I guess the more dangerous it seems, the longer the word needs to be. But, you know, Danno, I just wanted to say that the Safe Crackers Union, 952, have a lawsuit out against the coppermen for their use of schnauzers.

And because, as you say, it is not a violent crime, but we are in a very vulnerable position as we are practicing our craft. Our haunches are the most exposed. I see what you mean. Because of the crouch required to crack a typical safe, you are exposed to the schnauzer teeth. So there are a few things that I might not be able to talk about, but for the most part, I can absolutely share with you my knowledge of how to crack a safe. Let's just talk a little bit about this lawsuit, because I know that it has become focused on the danger of the schnauzers.

But this started off with the Safe Crackers Union getting together and suing the rausers for keeping you from doing your jobs. Yes. Your jobs are illegal. Yes. After all, you're breaking and entering, you're cracking a safe, you're stealing valuables, which is, is that burglary or robbery? It's burglary, Danno. But we're also part of the lawsuit is safe cracking is an art. Sure does, yeah. As well as a craft, as well as an illegal activity. Yeah, and the police are going to come down on you for performing your art, your craft. Right. You know, what if it was a religion? Is that what's next for us?

People can go to our website, which is safecrackersunion.org. Okay. And sign up if they want to get behind this cause. It does feel safe to enter the word crack into a website search browser. Yeah. They'll be able to find it. No, no problem. You know, the reason we have a union is we needed health care, you know, especially for injuries to the lower regions. And I know that your fingertips are especially vulnerable, too. Yeah. Mine, they are insured a million dollars a digit. Say. Yeah. That's nine million dollars in your case, Claire. That's right. Thank you.

Now, Pinky, if you don't mind me using your street name, was that a Schnauzer incident, Claire, or was that one of your famous TNT safe explosions that I've read about? Actually, neither, Dan, although I would be happy to explain to your listeners some of the dangers of exploding a safe as opposed to cracking it. Sure, yeah. Because we don't really consider exploding a safe to be cracking it. I mean, you are cracking it wide open, but you are not cracking the code of the lock to the safe. There's no intellectual pursuit to just blowing a thing up. There's nothing delicate about it.

There's no finesse. Exploders are not in the union. I mean, we just we can't allow that. Claire, let me ask you this. For a little while, believe it or not, before I was into podcasting. Yeah. I was in the Screen Actors Guild and I remember working on some film projects. OK. And the wonderful thing about having your union card was that on lunch break, you got to go to the front of the line ahead of all the extras who didn't have their union cards. Are there any perks like that for the safe crackers union versus the non-unionized exploders? Absolutely. You have right of way at courtesy stops.

I don't know if you've ever been to Canada, but quite often a four-way stop is not marked as such. Oh, and that's called a courtesy stop. For our listeners, Claire is a member of the Canadian Safe Crackers Guild, so some of her terminology might be a little unusual for us. Yeah. So, again, you have right of way at a courtesy stop. Do you have to wave your card going through the intersection? Oh, of course. Now, that does seem like a little bit of a danger for a clandestine activity like crime to be waving your crime card as you go through a four-way stop in daylight.

Is there ever any problem? You have to weigh what's most important to you, like all things in life. I'll tell you something. Safe crackers are philosophical people. We discuss this all the time at the Elks Lodge, which while we don't have the right to use it, it's so easy to get in and out of it. We have our meetings there on Thursday nights. That seems like another advantage of that thin slip of a membership card that you mentioned. Yeah. Can you use it to jimmy a door open? Absolutely. And it's funny that you would use the term Jimmy because that comes from the founder of the Safe Crackers Union.

They're a very literal organization, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, you don't have a lot of time to think when you're cracking a safe and you learn how to be. You are being the safe. Yeah. You know, here's what drives me crazy, Dan O'Sullivan, and I know that you were once an actor of that ilk. Yes. And I know I don't mind bringing that up every once in a while when pressed. Well, I hope that you were. If I could just interject real quickly. Well, I mean, I'm talking, but. I was actually portraying a barber in a film with Harrison Ford. It was just a walk on, but he had a little scar on the back of his neck.

And I thought that man is acting the part of someone who's been nicked by a barber. That's that's for me. That's why I'm going into acting, which, you know, now has become podcasting. Also, if you don't mind, we find that terminology offensive. Something being nicked. Was that named after Nick, the vice president? Yes. Yeah, exactly. So safe crackers do not nick. No, no. I use the term in vain. My apologies. OK. I mean, I had a card. You had a card. Yeah. No, absolutely. I am glad to hear that you were not a part of any of those, you know, Ocean's Eleven movies, those series, because I'll tell you something that drove me crazy.

They would show up on screen, you know, they would have somebody portraying a safe cracker, not haunched properly. That was absolutely offensive to me. I got up. I left the theater. I threw my popcorn on the lady next to me. And this was the scene of your first arrest. You marched right up to that box office, slipped in through the velvet curtain that was keeping that box office safe. I jimmied that velvet curtain open. That does seem like a fairly minor achievement to get through a velvet curtain. But you did it. I did. And there was the theater safe. And as you were, what's the word?

Nicking or jimmying in this case? I was cracking at that point. Cracking. Named after Jimmy Crack Corn, the treasurer of the organization. You were caught red handed in that theater. And this was your first conviction, Claire. Right up the river. That's what made me a felon. And I really am pretty proud of that. You're not a felon until you've been convicted and sent to prison, right? That's right. Prior to that, you're just a criminal. But I am a felon. Congratulations. Now, Claire, does a safe cracker have an inherent advantage being locked behind bars? Can you slip through?

Can I answer that question by saying, am I behind bars right now? And you are in an undisclosed... Yes. You can't hold a safe cracker in the Jimmy jails. Not safely. That's right. I have a special request from a longtime listener who writes in. This is Linda Lou in Independence, Missouri. Birthplace of Harry S. Truman, as a side note. Very nice. Linda writes... You know what the S stood for. In Harry S. Truman? Yeah. Simon Schuster. Safe cracker. Oh, there is a story. There is a story. Proud card holding member. Was he ever convicted? Harry Truman? Never convicted. Never became a felon.

But he was elected president. What's more criminal than that? Oh, my gosh. Linda Lou writes in... Yeah. Dano, very excited to hear that safe cracker Claire Sarah will be a guest on your show. Many compliments about me personally. That's nice. Dano, I don't have a lot of time, just so you know. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah. She did just ask if I could send one of my 8x10 acting head shots. That is great. It's just that I can't stay in one location for too long. Oh, right. Yeah. Always traveling. Always wandering. Yes. Never feeling safe. Never knowing what's around that next bend.

Oh, and Linda asks, having heard so much about the haunch stance, could we please see a demonstration? Listen, I do need to be wrapping this up soon. I can send Linda. I have some 8x10s of my haunches that I will... I autograph those at cracker cons across the nation. Yeah. This is detailed. It's just one big picture of Claire's haunches. But if I'm not mistaken, you have very big haunches, so that's appropriate. Well, you know, I didn't as a youngster, but you know, it's a requirement. The safe crackers workout. Absolutely. It's all squats. So you've got those beefy haunches that allow you to do the squat.

And then also those bulbous fingertips. There's a lot of workout there, isn't there? Bulbous and yet flat. I mean, that's the trick. You have bulbously flat fingertips. It's like having an eggplant that's gone a little too ripe and you leave it on the counter. It's still bulbous in profile, but flat on the bottom where it's resting against the counter. I do want to say, too, like to any of the kids that are out there listening that are considering, you know, what do I want to be when I grow up? Would-be safe crackers, would-be felons. I just hope that it really catches the kids who have the born instincts, the outsized haunches, and who just hear the way that the world clicks and tumbles differently than the rest of us and who can know that there is no such thing as safe.

Well, there's some pithy words of wisdom from our guest today, Claire Sarah. Thank you so much for dialing in. Oh, it looks like Claire has to leave rather hastily, I see. She's waving her card. She's waving her card in the air. And look at that. It is a courtesy pass, folks. No stop by those police. And she's off, off to another cracker barrel. Folks, thanks for tuning in. I'm your host, Dan O'Sullivan, and we'll be back next week. If you'd like to get one of my 8x10 glossies from my acting days, be sure to just let me know and I'll send those to you. Thanks for tuning in, everybody.

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