The Spooky Theremin Sound Effects Expertease

Well, good evening, ladies and gentle ladies. Our audience tonight is composed mostly of science fiction soundtrack fans. And Danno, since the theremin is your... We're gonna probe your area. What? Naturally. That sounded more dirty than normal. You're listening to Expertise, spelled wrong, the podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Expert comedy writer Clare Sera and expert comedy writer Danno Sullivan bring their expertise to other unrelated expertises. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to tonight's Expertise podcast. We are so happy to have you tuning in. And speaking of tuning in, we are just thrilled to have as our guest tonight, Danno Sullivan, most foremost expert on using the theremin to call in hogs from the field.

Pardon me, just stepping out of my big rubber boots from slopping the old trough there, Clare. I mean, you have found uses for the theremin that... Well, first of all, let's just let our audience know, what is a theremin? Clare, twice a year, I don't know about you, but I come down with a sore throat, scratchy nose, earaches and a headache. I'm just going to interrupt you. I think that you're talking about Theraflu. Yes. Yes. And a nice hot cup of water. I pour it right down my big rubber boots and... Okay. Theraflu is wonderful. And they are one of the sponsors of our program. So thank you.

And check in the show notes for a 10% discount on all the Theraflu you can pour into your boots. But Danno, we have called you here this evening because of your expert in the field of theremin use. Now, I know I fell in love with the theremin the first time I saw Planet B. Plan B? Plan 9? Yeah. I saw all of them. The theremin series, as it's known. The theremin series. What an instrument. What an unholy instrument, I might say. The devil's own hand movements are required to play the devil's own sound maker. The theremin is completely controlled by interrupting waves. It's like an electric eye that opens a door when you cross a threshold, for example. In fact, I've been working on combining some of these technologies so that every time you cross a threshold into, say, a department store, you get...

Oh, my gosh. Oh, sorry. There's the old sow coming in. I have to be careful with my calls. You know, sometimes I'm making music and sometimes I'm calling the hogs. Right. Amen, brother. Sometimes there's not that much of a difference. You might be interested in my symphony for pigs and sows. It's actually music for the porcine friends. They love music, Claire. And what I've discovered as a bacon lover is that by treating the pigs gently with music that they love in the growth stages, the bacon comes out with a special certain je ne sais quoi. Gosh, that is really off of the topic from which I wanted to explore. We got a lot of questions in in advance of this podcast.

That's nice. I know a lot of folks are interested in the theremin. A lot more folks are interested in bacon, side fat, back beef, which surprisingly does come from the pig. You've heard the phrase in a sow's ear. Well, that's where the music goes in. And you know where the meat comes out. So I do not want to divert too far from what your listeners are wanting to hear about. I have my specialty and I thought I was here for a reason. But go ahead, fire away with your little questions. Okay, very good. Well, we did get a question on how the first theremin came into being. Was it accidental? Was it pieces of different metals in somebody's sound laboratory?

Here's the thing about the theremin. It is a combination of music and science. And so people believe that there must be more science to it than there actually is. Right. Yes. Yeah. But really, all you're doing is you're crossing a beam with your own hand. And that causes a chorus of women behind the theremin to all go... at the same time. It's more of a visual signal than an actual electronic event. You don't even need the instrument, but you just need a gesture that can be seen in a particular spot. So the instrument serves as sort of that visual aid for the women to respond to.

I don't think that the theremins that I've seen are really large enough to host a choir of women. You've misunderstood me. The women need not be on the theremin. In fact, it's more effective if they're behind a flat of black curtains so that all you hear is those haunting, mysterious voices that seem to come from the outer reaches of space itself. Because they're women, so they seem like they're alien. That's one way to interpret it. Because they're using their highest, most mysterious voices, is what I was trying to say. So where do these women come from?

At the Theremin Corporation, Claire, at ThermCorp. Yes. When we're not busy with the pigs and the sows, when we're not busy producing theraflu during the flu season, we hold annual auditions for the theremin singers. For a lot of chorines, I think they're called. It's kind of an entree to show business. You know, back in the glory days of Broadway, you'd want to be a chorus girl. But now, one entree to show business is as a theremin singer. You don't need a pretty face. You're behind a black curtain the whole time. You don't need a great figure like a dancer on a Broadway show.

You don't need any physical skills. If you have some pigs to call, that is a benefit, but it's not a requirement. So it's really the most democratic form of show business. I'm starting to wonder if you're mixing up your herds. Do you have an inspector who is coming by this farm, as you call it? The Theracorp farm? Thermcorp. Thermcorp. Absolutely. We have inspectors come through, Claire, not only to inspect the meat in quotation marks. Oh, dear. But to stamp the product so that anybody passing by will know at a glance that it has been officially approved for use in science fiction movies of a certain budget level or above.

Or above. Oh, you sound surprised. Like you thought this would only go for the low budget movies. No, no, no. Thermcorp has copyrighted the sound of the theremin singers. So it is very expensive to use that sound. It's really only your top notch science fiction films can handle the expense. Well, and this choir of women who create your theremin soundtracks, do they stay on this farm? Are they fed and looked after? Is that part of the entire deal or are they free to come and go? We raise them. We fatten them up. We teach them to sing. But it's not just for our profit.

It's not just for our benefit. We are trying to teach these women skills that they can take out into the real world for the next phase of their life. Whatever that might be. Marriage? Wait, you gave one example for what women might head out into the world to do after being grown up on the Thermcorp farm. I wonder, I'm just wondering if we might be able to meet one or two of these women. I would kind of like to just see a few faces, see for myself that these women are okay and that they're there under their own auspices. Claire, what I can do is point my camera at the black curtains. I don't think either Puggy or Snooty would like to come out and be seen at this point. They're in the middle of their training. It looks like Snouty is halfway through a beef back sandwich and not really able to, not camera ready, let's say. And that's the thing. That's what I'm saying for these women. They don't want to be camera ready. They want to be able to revel in the glory of show business without the show.

Well, it does certainly seem like it's a good business for you. I, myself, I'm going to need to be convinced by the women that they are not actually some kind of, you know, half porcine Isle of Dr. Moreau setup going on for you to create soundtracks for science fiction movies. But at the same time, I'm torn, Mr. Dan O'Sullivan, because the music that you create is really beautiful. It is absolutely chilling down the spine and mood setting. The credit goes to those hardworking women, Claire. Well, that's nice to hear. That's nice to hear you say that. The credit for both that wonderful music that you're describing and these delicious BLTs.

I wonder if, just to keep it on a strictly professional about the theremin and about the music that you create with these women who are literally hogtied into your employ, the theremin singers. The theremin singers. So, just getting back on track here, I wondered if you could speak to how you choose what parts of a movie to add the theremin music. We love working with the really great directors on science fiction films, because the great directors are the ones who are really most open-minded to the artistry that I bring to the project. So, there might be a 30-minute space battle. And rather than saying, theremin here at a specific point, they'll open that up and say, maybe some theremin throughout here.

Oh, that's a good director. Yeah, that's a good director. They recognize the artistry that I can provide as I use that electric prod to provoke that wonderful sound from these hard, hardworking women. That's how you get some of those higher notes that are bone-chilling, absolutely bone-chilling. I thought your research would have certainly prepared you for that. I was not prepared for that. Well, it's shocking to you, but boy, oh boy, it's shocking to them. It's got to be. That's really something. Could you just hold one moment while I just... I'm just gonna make a quick phone call while we... Don't go anywhere.

Sure, sure. Absolutely. I don't mind waiting. Thank you. Thanks. MCAA, may I help you? Yeah, I would like to send a car with some kind of a police person, inspector of some nature. What is your movie rated, please? Oh, no, I have the wrong number. I'm sorry. 9-1-1. 7-11, may I help you? Oh, I'm so nervous. Well, actually, it depends. Where are you located? Sepulveda and 495. Oh, could you... You know the pig farm that's just down the road from the corner? Therem and Singer's farms? Yeah, Therem Corp. Would you mind just sending someone down there to take a look at what's going on?

Bring down some big gulps? Yeah, that's it. Under the guise of big gulps, and I have a... No worries. We bring big gulps down there about twice a week. That makes sense. Those ladies sure seem to like their big gulps. Have you seen the ladies, sir? Have you seen the ladies? Who am I talking to? My name is David. David Rostrom. I'm the manager. David, have you actually... Have you laid eyes on these women? Have you made any kind of contact? Do they look healthy to you? Do they look happy? Are they okay? I'm a little nervous for the living conditions that the Therem and Singer's are.

I got to tell you, lady, my ears hurt so bad when I go through that place. I just close my eyes and get out as fast as I can. Drop off the non-diet Cokes and move on. I understand. I think I really... I got a customer. But I need help. I need help getting somebody down there to... Oh. Hi. Oh, Mr. Sullivan. Podcast guests. May I help you? Yeah. I was just trying to get back to my podcast guest, expert theremin. Let's see. We have a whole slate of podcast guests. Who would you be interested in? I'm looking... We have a serial killer. No. We have an astronomer available.

I'm actually... I'm looking for a theremin expert. We have the world's fastest keyboard typist. By the way, where are you located? Are you anywhere near Sepulveda and 49th? I'm at 495th Sepulveda, just next to the 7-Eleven there. Oh. Would you... It's a podcast guest upstairs from the 7-Eleven. Would you mind just... Hey, Rostrum. Rostrum, bring me up one of the mint gulps. Thank you. Sorry. Thank you for waiting. Did you ask for a mint gulp? A mint gulp. It's part julep, part Coke. I was wondering if you might just leave your offices just for a minute, just run over to ThermCorp, you know, the pig farm on the corner.

Just down the street. I wondered if you might just run over there and just look behind that black curtain for me. We book podcast guests. Is that something I can help you with? Love thy neighbor. In the name of Good Samaritan. If you could just run across... We do have a Good Samaritan available. Can I connect you? Yes, please. Thank you. Thank you. Hold, please. Oh, I'm getting thirsty. I sure could use a big gulp. Hello? This is David Rostrum. Did you ask for a big gulp? Actually, I'm waiting for Good Samaritan. Hold, please. Chauncey. Good Samaritan. Chauncey. Oh my gosh. Chauncey...

What can I do you for? Chauncey, you sound like a good guy. I'm a Good Samaritan. You are here to help mankind. And I... Let me just interject. A lot of people assume that by being a Good Samaritan, that means I do good deeds. What I am is a Good Samaritan. I'm from Samaria. Okay. Well, the part that makes you good, I wonder if I might entreat upon your good nature, your love of mankind to just... I do love mankind. You know, the only thing I love more than mankind is bacon. Oh. Oh. Podcast guests. I just need to get back to my theremin specialist. Hold, please.

Claire, you've left me hanging on for quite a long time. Oh. Everything okay there? Mr. Sullivan. Bathroom breaks? Yes. Well, I did fall down a bit of a rabbit hole. This whole podcast is taking me to a world of encounters that I'm still not sure what has happened. You have to understand that there are worlds beyond our own that you cannot fully comprehend. You have to understand that in some places, in some universes, what seems so normal to you seems so different to them. And what seems so different to them is so normal for you. Imagine another world where women are crossbred with pigs for the benefit and entertainment of science fiction lovers around the world.

Can you imagine that? Welcome to our farms, Claire. Welcome to show business. The Expertise Spelled Wrong podcast is free and, like the Amish, all are welcome. Be sure to sign up for our email announcements at funnypodcast.com and follow us in your favourite podcast app, like the expert podcast listener we know you are.