The Swiss Army Knife Expertease

Clare Sera, our audience tonight is composed mostly of Swiss soldiers. And since your expertise is the Swiss army knife, we thought we could probe your area of expertise. Spelled wrong? Naturally. You're listening to Expertise, spelled wrong, the podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Expert comedy writer Clare Sera and expert comedy writer Danno Sullivan bring their expertise to other unrelated expertises. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, Swiss soldiers, or as they say in Switzerland, Guten Urbanen. Welcome to the podcast Expertise, spelled wrong, but pronounced correctly.

My guest today is Clare Sera. Welcome. Ah, danke, danke Shane. Is that Swiss language or do you have a borough with you? You know what? We're just going to start right there, aren't we? So the Swiss army knife, although credited to the Swiss, was not invented by the Swiss people. Clare, I have to admit right off the bat that I always get the Swiss people of Switzerland mixed up with the Swedish people of Sweden. Are they two different people? They are two very distinct people that both swish. Yeah. Why would two countries choose to start with the same continent blend?

Well, and a very awkward continent and consonant. They come from two different parts of the continent. I see. But the Sweden people come from the upper continent, Swede, and the Swiss people come from the lower continent and the lower continent, consonant. Are either of them incontinent? They are both incontinent. I guess that's why we get so much gas from that part of the world. Now among the Swiss and the Swedes, did either of them invent the Swiss army knife? Or are you saying that it came from another region or consonants altogether? Dental. My favorite thing about the Swiss army knife is that the knife itself is thematically correct to its origins.

It comes from all around. It is a multi-tool of our multiverse. This is a one for all and all for one. For example, I'm guessing the fondue fork blade, which folds out of the model 3202 must've come from France. Is that the way this works? That's exactly right. Every, not just country, but economic and ethnic group have contributed to the, what we call the Swiss army knife over hundreds of years. But the Swiss are neutral and it's only fitting that they would be open to input from so many sources. So a typical Swiss army knife goes from the model 111 with just two simple blades and the toothpick to the model 3202 that I mentioned with the fondue fork.

And gosh, what is it? 176 blades? 176 blades. Also, it now comes with solar panels. That's fantastic. So is it self-opening now that it has power? Self-opening. It can warm a small tent. Which would be perfect if you were in the Swiss army, because it is cold. Oh my goodness. And those tents are thin. So you mentioned that the blades on the 3202 are representative of nationalities, economies, cultures. Today's time, there is a frothing tool for your cappuccino, which was brought to us by the Italians. Yes. I understand that you do a Mussolini impersonation standing on a balcony.

Could you say cappuccino in that voice? Cappuccino. That's, that's really, you know, it is exciting to have an expert on something as obscure as the Swiss army knife. But if you're looking for some other podcasts where you could do your Mussolini on a balcony impersonation, my friend, Joe Roberts, I'll give you his number when you get off. Thank you. He actually has a podcast called Mussolini on a balcony and he's had a hard time finding guests. You know, speaking of Mussolini on a balcony, the Swiss knife 32202.V3. Oh, the V3. Yeah. It has a megaphone built into it.

That's kind of interesting because that is such a large three-dimensional shape. It's hard to picture it actually collapsing enough to fit back into the body of the knife. Is there some super Swiss science? Well, it's again, you know, the world contributes and definitely some of the knives, the killing knives, not your tool knives, not your, you know, slice the rope on the thin Ikea tent knife, but a killing, a real killing knife, a murder knife, a knife that is clearly when you, when you switch blade that thing open off of your Swiss army knife and the look at your right is intent on murder.

Wow. I have to say from a marketing standpoint, the murder blade is frankly terrifying. Is there a big market for this? Oh gosh. Yeah. Yeah. Among murderers. Yeah. I mean, this is your back alley Swiss knife. Oh, so this is not the 3202 V3. Oh no. Gosh. Sorry. Sorry. No, that's. Is this the Shankomatic? This is a Swiss shank knife. Yeah, absolutely. And it's for your thugs and your bullies, your back alley brutes. Now, are they willing to pay for a tool like this or do they just hold up the delivery van and grab what they need? That's been a little bit of a problem for the financial side of the Shankomatic.

I'm a big fan of the Swiss army knife and a stockholder too in the company. And I've been a little chagrin to see that downward zigzag of the stock line of the value of the company. Yeah. Dan, well, you're not alone. We, a lot of the folks that bought stock in the Swiss army knife have gone over to Sweden with Stockholm's holder syndrome. Now, are you saying a Swiss word there? I can't quite make it out. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Duh. Yeah. Duh. Dada. Hey, it sounded like you were combining a stockholder and Stockholm syndrome. Well, that's exactly. Like a Swiss army knife.

I have combined those things and put them into one tight little bundle for, for to explain what people are going through, because the Swiss army knife finances have plummeted since they started basically giving away knives to Swiss fanjackers. That's it. All right. So for crying out loud, where's the Swiss army when we need them? Right. Well, unfortunately the Swiss army did have a contract with the Swiss knife maker, Victorinox. That's the V and the V3, right? That's the V. And there's a, um, there's a little bit of a feud and I'm sure you've seen this out in your Swiss army corner store where there is, there's the original Swiss army knife and the, uh, original Swiss army knife.

Wait, what was the first one? Uh, what did I say? Can you roll that back? I'm sorry. We can't roll back. I thought you said there was the original and the original. Yeah. It's, it's a real fight to the death. Yeah. So the, the two originals are in a locked and heated battle, uh, for the title of most original, original Swiss army knife. Now, is this a paper battle or are these, uh, Swiss army men out in the streets with their shanks drawn? This is a shanks drawn battle. This is not what I picture of Switzerland at all. I picture a gentle Alpine landscape, goat milk, cuckoo clocks and chocolates.

All of those things absolutely do exist. They exist in tandem with the bloody shanking murder blade deaths that are happening in those meadows and on the streets of the great cities of Swiss town and Swiss center land. Swiss land? Swiss land. Yeah. I think it's called Swiss land, isn't it? Swiss land. Swiss Switzerland. Oh, that's right. Switzerland. Home of the Switzers. Yes. Who were the Switzers, Claire? And are they involved in these battles? The Switzers, ironically, Dano, had no part in the creation of the Swiss army knife because they created the switch blade.

Oh, the switch blade. Yes. Switzer is Swiss for switch. I see. What's Swiss for Swiss? Switch? Yes. That's original Swiss. Where's that original Swiss? Dano, you have come to the heart of the matter of what really is going on here because originally Switzerland was located where Sweden is now, but they switched. Oh, Switzerland. Yes. So what you're describing to me is a country that's being torn apart on one hand by its warlike street elements and on the other hand by its peaceful meadow dwellers and not against each other, but within each group there is a struggle for what is Switzerland?

Is it Sweden? Is it switch? Is it original? Is it original? Is it original is the heart of the question. You have a land full of people who feel like they are on shifting sand, which is interesting that the latest model of the Swiss army knife 333, 3.3 comes with a congealer. Oh, to harden up that sand? That's right. That's probably great in jungles for quicksand situations for unpleasant backyard experiences with the kitten in the sandbox. That's it. A congealer can be so handy. But with on the shifting sands of Switzerland itself. Yeah. I don't know if with on is a word or if I'm slowly beginning to speak the Swiss language accidentally.

Yeah, I think that is a surname in Switzerland. Oh, but you're with home. Yes. Claire, is there something that we as outsiders can bring to the Swiss to, for God's sake, promote peace? Don't know there is. There's not a peace blade. Oh, there is not a peace blade. There is not a peace blade. And were that there would, that it was one. Sorry, is that old English or are you with on Swiss too? I am with on Swiss. What? Why can't there be a peace blade or perhaps a peace pipe? That is a little bit of cultural appropriation is the only problem. Well, we have been talking about Switzerland as the neutral country, allowing all countries to contribute to what are the various aspects of a Swiss army knife.

I think it's time to have no longer a Swiss army knife, but a global peace tool. What about a Peace Corps knife? You know, a lot of kids grow up and they want to join the army. Other kids want to grow up and join the Peace Corps. Yeah. Why not a knife for each and then just let them fight it out? I wait. Hmm. Well, I liked where it started and I do like the idea of a Peace Corps tool. I guess it wouldn't even need to be a knife. Right. But just, I don't know, something that fits in your pocket and has multiple blades. Right. Yes. Oh, but yeah, but not a knife.

But not a knife and really sharpened like to a murder point by that Swiss technology. Sure. Sure. Yeah. You could use it for whittling, for cutting food, but not really a knife. You could scale fish. Right. Sure. Shave your own leg. Mm hmm. Yeah. You could plunge it into the heart of an enemy. But not a knife. No, never a knife. No. A plunging device. Yeah. A stabbing slicing. Right. Shanking a sharp, sharp ass shanker. Well, it's been a real pleasure talking with you. I know you've got to get off to your Mussolini balcony podcast. Yes. Thank you. So I don't want to keep you here, but this has been a well honed conversation for the sharp mind of our listeners.

And I'd like to thank you for bringing your expertise. The expertise spelled wrong podcast is free and like the Amish, all are welcome. Be sure to sign up for our email announcements at funnypodcast.com and follow us in your favorite podcast app, like the expert podcast listener we know you are. And if you'd like to say goodbye from a top of balcony as Mussolini. I, if you don't mind, I really would love to. That would be the perfect sign off. That was French Mussolini on a balcony. French Mussolini on a balcony, two bits.