The Toastmasters Expertease

Our audience tonight is composed mostly of Toastmasters. And Danno, that's your... Expertise! Spelled wrong? Naturally. You're listening to Expertise, spelled wrong, the podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Expert comedy writer Clare Sera and expert comedy writer Danno Sullivan bring their expertise to other unrelated expertises. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, I know how excited you are to have our expert toastmaster on. Oh, and he is here in our studio and ready to give a speech, it seems to me. I clarify... Ladies and gentlemen, Danno Sullivan.

I have been asked on behalf of the six people at my table to step up with today's improvised topic. The topic is... Yes, this is very exciting. A freshly improvised speech. Be prepared to deliver a 30-second speech accepting a welcome to a podcast. Oh, well, how perfectly timed is that? Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, people of the podcast. My name is Danno Sullivan, and I'm first time here at Podcasters Toastmasters today. I guess those two kind of rhyme, they sort of sounded like. I hope I don't get tongue tied on any of those. This is my first improvisational welcome speech.

And it's a real, I want to say pleasure, but I feel like that's kind of overdone. I'm sorry, Clare. Oh, no, please don't be embarrassed. That was really so beautifully begun. Can I just take another crack at that from where I left off? Well, I don't think we need to worry about a welcome speech since you are here. I just, I feel like I've let the listeners down if I don't... I mean, would you like to just maybe pick it up from where you stumbled a little bit? So let's see, I had said, I'm not gonna repeat everything, obviously. Great, great. But I had said, on behalf of my six table mates, right?

Yes, yeah. Well, you've already said all that. I was hoping maybe just pick it up from... Exactly. It's a real, I think pleasure was the word you were... Right. Do you think I should say pleasure? I was gonna say it's a real pleasure, but that's what... Yes, it's a great word, it explains what you mean to say. Honor? Whichever one you feel, I would say go with the truth. Yeah, all right. So it is improvised and I only have 30 seconds. Right, yes. So on behalf of my six table mates, podcaster... What did I say about podcaster and then it rhymed with something? If you don't mind, I'm just gonna say, let us put aside the actual speech.

Right, right, right. And so let us get to some facts and fun. That's gonna be great. So, all right, Claire, I feel good about that. Good, good. On behalf of my six table mates. Yes. I think that's a great decision. Great. And I have been elected by my table as the person to give a 30-second improvised speech on explain your expertise to the podcast listening audience. Well, that sounds perfect. Why don't we do that? We would love to hear a little bit about what goes on at a Toastmasters meeting. Well, Toastmasters is all about the levels. It's like Amway without the soap and shampoo.

You start at the bottom and you work your way up. And when you first come in, you're a speaker with no skills. In fact, you're not even allowed to speak. You're called an evicheate. Really? Is that so? No, that's the Catholic Church. Hang on. Oh, okay. You see, you got me working without my notes, Claire. Well, Toastmasters did begin as a way to help business men. And it was just men back in those days and just business back in those days. I miss it. Yeah, I miss the business days. It was a way to help those business men become proficient at speaking in front of a group so they could get their message across on whatever topic they needed to get the message across like we're doing here right now.

So helpful. Well, why don't you tell us a little bit about the history of Toastmasters? What kind of insider tricks does Toastmasters employ to help folks with stage fright and gathering their thoughts before giving a big speech? Well, let me answer all of those questions with just a kind of a succinct answer that sums everything up. Claire, it's all about alcohol consumption. The original toasts, of course, were raise your glass and here's a toast. And you needed to know what to say. You wanted to make sure that you're flattering your audience. I love that you call it flatting.

Is that an inside Toastmasters? Sure. I can give you a rundown from our glossary. Well, we just love jargon here at expertise because that's how you know you're talking to an expert. What is that word? Jargon? Jargon, lingo, inside, knowledge. Got it. Yeah. Good to know. So because the toasts were made with alcoholic drinks to kind of lubricate the ways of communication, there was a lot of toasting, a lot of speechifying, a lot of drinking. So eventually, as the organization became more and better organized, they did start to codify some of the ideas of, like the example you gave, how to overcome stage fright.

And the answer again, she come back, more alcohol. More alcohol. Toasting. Yeah. And I got to say, that's why I've not been very good as a Toastmaster because I really take it literally, Claire. When I go to the meetings, I start drinking at about 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I stop drinking by 3.30, seriously, but start right up again at 4.15. Wait. You stop seriously at 3.30? Yeah. Yeah. Serious. A serious stop of the drinking. I really can't drink through the early mid-afternoon. I find it makes me feel a little bloated. Well, and I suppose that that would affect how you would toast.

You know, I have a silly question that came in from one of our listeners. Why is it called toast? Does it have anything to do with the early days of warmed bread? Yes, it has, Claire. Oh. Tell me today, are you a toast lover by any chance? I am a toast aficionado. Yeah. Well, that makes me wonder then, what's your favorite? At the moment, sourdough, heavily toasted on bagel setting so the middle of the bread stays a little soft. Claire, I would like to invite you to Toastmasters because when we're not drinking, we're eating toast. What? Yeah. Wait, this is what I always secretly wished and hoped was true.

This is the truth. So once you reach a certain level, which is called the lightly browned level. Yes. Which is a toast reference, of course. Yes, yes, of course, lightly browned. At that point, you are welcomed in behind closed doors. You can just follow the wafting whiff of delicious bready smells. Oh. So imagine this, you show up around 2, 2.30 and start drinking. I can imagine. You don't have to imagine when you're a toastmaster. Around 3 or 3.30, when the first round of alcohol is dried up, you start getting those whiffs from the next room. Now, you have to rise to the lightly browned level.

You know, not just anybody can come through. But when you go through those golden doors, Claire, it is a pantheon of toast accoutrement. Oh. It is butter, clarified butter, mashed avocado, marmalade. You got your Russian fish eggs. Caviar is the word I'm looking for. Right, right. You've got your Marmite, your Vegemite. Wow. If it can be put on bread and spread, that's what we say on the t-shirts. Jargon. Then it's available on this buffet. Oh. I didn't even mention jams, jellies, and preserves. Oh my gosh. I honestly, this is beyond my wildest fantasy of what a toastmaster's meeting was like.

Because I'm also assuming between the drinking and the devouring of these delicious toasts that you are giving little speeches to each other. Yeah. And the wonderful thing is that all that hullabaloo on the outside about, you know, introduce your table in a 30-second improvised speech, that sort of thing. Here's how to do a ribbon cutting at a supermarket. Right, right. Here's what to do if you're christening a ship. You know, what do you say if you're setting a time capsule in a skyscraper? Oh, right. You know, well, you're saying that ooh, wah, ooh. But that's what happens at the lowest, lowest levels at Toastmasters.

Once you get inside, Claire, it is all pay-ons to the toasted bread. Every speech that every person makes is another version of an ode to the toast. Ode to the toast. And this has gone on for, how long has Toastmasters, 100 years, 150 years? Exactly 135 years to coincide with the invention of the stovetop toaster. It predates the electric toaster. You'd actually set up a little wire rack on the gas flames of your stove. Right, right. But of course, prior to that, you could use a vertical brazier or just a pointed stick over the campfire. Dano, this has been a really fascinating insider look at Toastmasters International.

And I thank you for being a representative, coming out here and improvising many little speeches to our listeners today. Claire, I would like to thank you in turn for using all the questions that I pre-wrote for you, so I would be able to answer using my little speeches. I wonder if we could end our podcast with a little speech from a professional Toastmaster. Well, would you like to give me a little nugget? And I'll do a 30-second improvisational speech on that topic. Well, what's a nugget? A nugget is what Toastmasters call the seed or the topic of the speech.

Right. An appropriate example would be if we were ending a podcast, then I might need to provide a 30-second improvised speech bidding farewell to the listeners of the podcast. To our expert listeners. Expert listeners, is that what you call them? Yes. Because it's all about the ear again. Yes, our expert listeners. Okay, so let me just write that down on my improv pad. Great. Oh, well, I wonder. Now, another thing, a lot of times for the assignments, you'll get like a humorous speech as your assignment, a humorous interpretation. Right. Or, you know, maybe sentimental or dramatic is rare because a lot of times that's just over the top.

Right. But, you know, got whimsical or reflective. I would prefer a sentimental goodbye. All right, good. I always get a little nervous. Well, sure. If my voice cracks, I'll have to start over. I hope you don't mind. Okay. But, I mean, we don't mind if your voice cracks. Okay. All right. So, afternoon. Good afternoon. Did my voice crack? Yes, it did. I think it cracked when I said crack, didn't it? Yeah. It's been kind of cracking nonstop since you brought it up. Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of my table mates here at the table and myself and my six table mates, for the expert listeners of this podcast, I would like to wish a sentimental farewell to each of you.

I think each is better than all. But to each of you, a sentimental farewell and thank you on behalf of my six table mates and myself. I wish you a sentimental thank you. Okay. Thank you so much. You know, I don't want to be critical and you are the Toastmaster, not I. Please, please. But it's just that, I mean, I understand that you were trying to improvise with what I gave you, but just saying sentimental doesn't make the speech sentimental. I also wondered if you're out at, say, City Hall cutting a ribbon, do you have to start with, on behalf of my table mates?

Because they might not always be with you. No, no. As a new speech giver, oh, Claire, the organization is so supportive. And anytime I book a speech, I've got four to six. They may not be table mates, but they would at least be seated near me. And I think it would suffice to call them table mates under that seating situation. So if you were hired to give a toast at the opening of a hospital. Oh, do you have an opening of a hospital? Outside the doors of this hospital where you're cutting the ribbon and giving the speech, you would have to set up a table with four Toastmasters sitting nearby so you could refer to them?

Yes. Sorry. Yes. Not only does it give me sort of a comfort in knowing how I can start the speech by referring to my four to six table mates, but it is so nerve wracking doing public speaking, Claire, that very often the first speech giver will just fall over in a faint. Oh, right. So any of those other Toastmasters can just hop up quickly, knock back some alcohol and a crouton, and jump right up to carry on and finish off the speech unless that person faints off too. So it's a really well thought out system. And I understand you're trying to poke holes in it because that's what you do.

Well, it does serve a purpose. We do need speeches in public. It seems to me like I'm just getting a picture of a lot of men who are terrified of speech giving, but like to drink and eat toast. And then when they're forced every now and then to make speech, they bring their whole gang with them. That is a very clear explanation, but it doesn't fit on the business cards. Right. No, no, no. Well, thank you for the speech to wrap up our podcast. Claire, on behalf of my six table mates, well, five table mates, one just passed out, and myself, it's been a real pleasure to be here at your hospital opening.

Thank you. And thank you, gentle listeners. The Expertise Spelldron podcast is free. And like the Amish, all are welcome. Be sure to sign up for our email announcements at funnypodcast.com and follow us in your favorite podcast app, like the expert podcast listener we know you are. Think of the number of bread types there are. Multiply it by the number of bread shapes there are, and then multiply it by the levels of doneness that you can toast it to. The different varieties of toast that you can choose to eat and enjoy, it's almost infinite.