Up Your Eiffel Tower: An ExperTeam Adventure

Clare Sera, our audience tonight is composed mostly of tourists. And that's your Expertise. Spelled wrong. Naturally. You're listening to Expertise, spelled wrong. The podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Clare Sera, you are an expert in the Eiffel Tower. And so I thought we could probe your area. Pardon? Of expertise. Clare, I am very excited to take our podcast listeners on a virtual tour of the Eiffel Tower with you as our tour guide today. You are not French, are you? I'm not French at all in any way. Not one part of me is French or has been French.

It says here on your resume that even as a child, you dreamed of being a tour guide at the Eiffel Tower. What put that seed in your mind, Clare? Well, and imagine my disappointment when I discovered that there were no tour guides for the Eiffel Tower. Well, they had to start somewhere, right? That's right. That's what started my career. You're not just the first American tour guide at the Eiffel Tower. You're the only tour guide at the Eiffel Tower. I am the one and only expert and tour guide unofficial of the Eiffel Tower. So you're an expert and an expat.

That's exactly right, Dano. Although I'm not actually allowed to live in France. Right. I know the work regulations are very strict there. Are you an American citizen now? I am an American citizen. But are you paid in French roubles? I'm not exactly paid. Oh, oh, it's a volunteer position. It's a passion project. And if anyone should know about passion, it's the French. Right. So it sounds to me like what you're describing is volunteering without permission. Is that accurate? I would put it that I am sharing the heart of passion. I am sharing with my own iron backbone and my steely will the wonders of the Eiffel Tower.

Claire, I cannot wait to step into that elevator with you and clang our way to the top of Paris. Were you interested as a young person in all things French or just specifically the Eiffel Tower? Only the Eiffel Tower. You know, you asked me what inspired me at the very beginning, and I think I sort of hinted at this a little bit when when I was a child, I was born with a spinal issue. And I went through a lot of surgeries in which they slowly replaced many of my discs with steel. One of the nurses, in order to make me feel less of a freak on the ward, because, you know, little children can be cruel.

Of course. And when you've got iron piercing through from the inside out, that's that's not an easy thing to cover up. Well, something people don't think about how silent their spine is, you know, made of bone and collagen and tissue. A steel spine is not quite so innocuous. It clanks, doesn't it? I do clank a bit. Clang, clang, clang. Went my backbone. Does an operation like that come with an oil can? Oh, Dano, you're like some of those cruel children. In fact, were you at the Wisconsin Children's Back Spine Hospital in the 70s? Oh, my gosh. Are you from LaPorte?

I am. LaPorte, Wisconsin? Yes. Yes. I had to go in for a complete back replacement as a small child. And now that you mention it, oh, my gosh. Oil can, oil can. What's going to get your oil can? Oil can Sally. That was me, Claire. Oh, my gosh. What? Well, I guess you could take this moment to apologize. Oh, and 20 years later, they met again on a podcast. If only it was a blustery day in New York. This clearly was meant to be. So you not only became the tallest girl in LaPorte, Wisconsin, but you became a devotee of all other tall things made of steel or iron.

Both a combination, a combination of both. I do see that you're outfitted with light up bulbs all up and down your body. Yes. For evening walks, because people hear the clanking. And well, for other people's safety, they get terrified of in the dark, of hearing the approach. But you can imagine it made it quite hard for me to find how to make a living. Yeah. You can't work at an airport. You can't get through a metal detector. That's right. And in fact, I had to walk and boat to France. And when I saw that iron giant in the sky, the Eiffel Tower, I fell in love and it was like I had met my soulmate.

So, Claire, you went from an incredibly awkward, uncomfortable childhood, a horrible situation, not able to bathe because of rust issues. And suddenly on the shores of France, you have found a welcoming land full of people who admired the Americans, admired anything of the industrial age. I knew I was home when I reached the foot of the Eiffel Tower. And I just I I gave that structure. We clanged against each other like the bells of Notre Dame. Our lady. Yes. And I was. Excuse me just a minute, please. I'm sorry. Our lady is here with the Indian food I ordered.

Yeah. Just leave it on the doorstep, please. We paid with Venmo. All right. Yep. Tips included. Thank you. Sorry that that was our lady. Yeah. So I was the hunchback to the Eiffel Tower's grand structure. Love at first sight. And I soon became intimate with every nook and cranny. With or in? Yes. Well, you know what, Claire? Let's stop gabbing about it. Let's hop in that elevator and take me to the top, baby. To our listeners at home, I'm with France's only volunteer tour guide of the Eiffel Tower, and we're stepping into the elevator now. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.

Just step right on. Watch it. Watch your step there. That's Claire Sarah. Step over. An announcement. Walk softly, please. She's saying walk softly. Walk softly. Ma'am, would you take your stilettos off, please? I can. My own spine is being pierced by you walking in. Please, ma'am. Ma'am, take off those stilettos. Get them. It's a physical. It's it's a melee, ladies and gentlemen. And I can't believe what I'm seeing. Claire Sarah has actually drawn blood from a French woman and her family. OK, little boy, you can go with your mama or you can stay here with me and still take the tour.

Now she's getting really, really way up in the face of a small child. She insists on speaking English to this French family. Just move over here, please. Just step over here where I'm pointing. Just step. All right. The child does not understand her English, but does does understand the international language of pointing. Now, do we have everybody? Are we at max capacity? She's using some capacity. Nice technical jargon, ladies and gentlemen. Please stand back from the door. And oh, look at this. The cutest thing I've ever seen. Little four or five year old French boy reaching up to try to push the button to take us to the first floor.

Oh, he punched number seven by mistake. You idiot. I should have kicked you out with your mother. OK, she's opening the door again, ladies and gentlemen. And she actually is kicking, kicking the one. It's just one floor. It's just one floor. You'll be fine. OK. All right. Do we have everybody present? Can I see tickets, please? And I would also like with a show of hands who read the documents that I sent out ahead of time. I don't want to have to tell you everything on this elevator ride. So has everybody done their research? Well, Claire's glaring at us all with really a steely eye.

The elevator has begun its ascent. Can anybody tell me what year the Eiffel Tower was built? I'll take it. Oh, yes. In the back with the headphones on. Yeah. According to the information you sent out, 1871. Well, the world's fair. That's incorrect. Well, it's from the information. I sent out information asking you to do research. It's not passive information. Oh, look, kid, kid, come over here. My spine is so heavy. I need to sit down. Just get on all fours. The elevator is slowly making its way up the mighty steel tower. Oh, oh, God, I got to get off my feet.

Floor two. No comment from our tour guide on floor two. But here comes floor three. And she just seems exhausted, folks. I don't know if it's the atmosphere thinning out as we go up or if it's just been screaming at the French people. OK, who brought the sandwiches? Oh, Claire has now stopped the elevator. Does anyone who has a baguette with some jambone? I'm exhausted. Ladies and gentlemen, the two families in the elevator with us. I'll take that. Go ahead. Are combining. Thank you. Are reaching into their knapsacks to. Is this brie? Find enough food. Grapes. To tempt the tour guide to take them to the top of the tower and eventually let them out of this elevator to hell that it has become.

OK. All right. Here we go up to the fourth floor. Everyone around me is beating up with sweat at this point. Fourth floor. I've never seen such uncomfortable tourists in my life. Ladies, steal lingerie. That's that's a joke. Nobody's laughing. Nobody. Do any of you French people have a sense of humor? Ladies lingerie on the fourth floor of the Eiffel Tower. Come on. Unable to communicate with her. They. All right. Oh, oh, a small child has darted out through the open door. I can't believe into the steel lingerie. That's the second child we've lost. It's going to find a girder to fit.

OK, ladies and gentlemen, somebody give me a room in the house or something to start. I'll do a little. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, just it's a relationship and a room in the house. This is the dirtiest trick I've ever seen. Ladies and gentlemen, this is this seems to be an episode of Improv Anywhere where international families are sprang upon an unexpected, unsuspecting, unwittingly, unwontingly and forced to endure some comedy improv. OK, very good. A French woman has offered living room to to our tour guide. I'm not sure if this is for real. Ladies and gentlemen, is she actually going to do a scene or is this just part of the tour?

All right. Two cousins on a couch in the living room. Oh, my gosh. She got OK, a suggestion of two cousins, a gynecologist and a plumber. Could you just go over here, please? I'm just going to be your arms. So you just so she has a stocky French man. All right. I'm going to try and get my arms around. Oh, it's some physical comedy. I think that's about to happen. Oh, they're really close to the edge. Ladies and gentlemen, this is going to be great if it works. OK, and pass me the beer, please. I'm not sure I understand what's happening. And he's gone. Oh, oh, oh, dear.

So I'm just going to be letting everybody out at the top of the of the tower here. There, we finally made it, listeners at home. So I must say, if I can get over the the untimely fall of this step over unfortunate Frenchman and the loss of two children, which it is a beautiful sight. Just remember the Eiffel Tower was built in 1871 by Louis Pasteur's family for World's Fair. OK, thank you. Thanks for coming. Thanks for coming, everyone. So much. Oh, and she's gone. She is gone, ladies and gentlemen. This is the first time we've ever had a podcast guest leave the podcast in such a sudden fashion.

It's just it's just me, about six French people and some sound effects. We have the remnants, ladies and gentlemen, of two French families here, each of whom has lost one child, one of which has lost, I'm guessing, the father or an uncle. They look a little surprised, a little distressed. We're all faced with the prospect of having to walk down because that elevator shot, shot away from here. And look at that. Oh, the French families are pointing. We can see Claire Sarah chasing, racing away from the Eiffel Tower. Someone must have called in an alarm. There there's three of those funny European French police cars chasing after her now.

She's there. She's she's turned around, ladies and gentlemen. She's shaking both fists, both fists. You will not believe what just they have wrestled her to the ground, ladies and gentlemen. This is like the Hindenburg, except on the ground and in France. Oh, it's astonishing what's happening here. That was my interview with tour guide Claire Sarah. We managed to catch up with her in her cell at the Bastille seven days later. Claire. Oh, you with the headphones on. Thanks for agreeing to see me. Well, I didn't agree. But in France, prisoners don't have any say over their situation.

Thankfully for me and my listeners, you do not have the right to not be podcast interviewed. I've been given a choice. One choice. I can seek asylum in La Porte, Wisconsin. Back where you began. Which is a nightmare for me. People like you who are in the military, people like you who live there, who will not leave me alone. I know what my life will look like there. I'll I'll be the steely spined, freakish girl who threw over 14 French people to their death on the Eiffel Tower. Oh, Claire, we only had you down for three deaths. Well, you know, French, that's in metric.

It's a metric number of people. And I, I just feel like it's so perfect, Dano, that you would be the one who started the horror of my life and you're the one to end the horror of my life. Ladies and gentlemen, here at Expertise Podcast, we pride ourselves on the parallelisms of the stories that we tell. I'd like to thank my guest, Claire Sarah, for pointing out what a good job I've done as a podcast host and a story creator. And thank her for. Thank you, officer. I will take that baguette. I'm very hungry. Let's call it the sacrifice she's made. Is this brie?

Is this a brie baguette? Claire, I'd be happy to share my Indian food with you. Oh, oh, I actually would like that very much. Very good. Notre Dame, Notre Dame. The address is cell three. Bastille, Paris. Fantastic. That would that's nine in metric. Just let her know. The Expertise Speldromme podcast is free and like the Amish. All are welcome. Be sure to sign up for our email announcements at funny podcast dot com and follow us in your favorite podcast app. Like the expert podcast listener we know you are.