When Bears Ruled Europe – Expertease

For our listeners at home, half a year ago, we did an episode on the Napoleonic Wars, and my guest Clare Sera mentioned casually in passing that there was a period in history when entire governments were run by bears. Yes, absolutely. We didn't have time to explore that at the time, but Clare, welcome back to Expertise to dive in deep on this most peculiar and little-known facet of history. You're listening to Expertise, spelled wrong, the podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Expert comedy writer Clare Sera and expert comedy writer Danno Sullivan bring their expertise to other unrelated expertises.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the podcast Expertise, where knowledge is power and power is a podcast. I'm your host, Danno Sullivan. This is the first episode of Expertise where we've invited back a guest, bear expert Clare Sera. Welcome to the show. So happy to be here. Thank you for having me. First of all, I want to congratulate you on being brave enough to tackle this topic. Well, you have to be brave if you're going to be tackling bears. Well, that is absolutely metaphorically and physically true. As you can see, I only appear, I use the word lightly on podcasts because of the scarring on my face.

Oh, for my listeners at home who cannot see the scarred visage of my guest, it is just one red and purple welt after another. Exactly the size of a bear claw. And in fact, now I'm remembering, that's how we got to the bears that ruled Europe. We were talking about the different pastries, like the Napoleon and the Bismarck. And you mentioned the bear claw. Right. An ironic pastry, if ever there was one. I mean, the Napoleonic era, you know, it gets associated with Napoleon, but in truth, what was most outstanding about that era was the rule of bears. And if I have my way, and if I can get on enough non-visual podcasts.

Safety first. And I mean for our listeners. For the viewer, yes. It will be relabeled. As the bear era. As the bear-a. And the bear-a. So, there are so many fascinating things about how the bears came to rule, but more fascinating was how well they ruled. I would argue that there has not been a more prosperous time in European history than when the bears ruled. Now, prosperity makes a lot of people just think in purely economic terms. But I know from looking at some of your audio-only podcasts that you're really talking about what the bears brought to the culture.

All I know about bears, Claire, they love honey. Is that true? They do love honey. Or is that just a stereotype? Oh, no, no. They do love honey. That was one of the drawbacks. It was a very sticky time. It became sort of a honey-based economy. Yes. And, you know, for bears, it feels profitable and is easy enough to manage because they can lick their own paws. Now, let's place this in time. This comes towards the end of the Napoleonic Wars, but before the French Revolution. Yes, absolutely. So, there was this little period of time where France was completely ruled by bears.

Did the humans, did the people go along with this? Were the people unaware of this? I mean, communications at the time were nothing like we have today. Yes. The internet was very slow back then. And the bears took advantage of a time when so many men had been killed in the war. Many of them by bears. Well, I mean, okay, that's a secondary, you know, most by muskets, some by muzzles. And that was the French, that was embroidered on so many French pillows back in the day. But a lot of this has to do with the women. The women needed- Can I just interject real quick?

Yeah. Because I can see in the background there, you've got one of those embroidered pillows. Could you just hold it up? I'll grab a screenshot for our listeners. Sure, sure. And folks, you can see that this is in French. Claire, can you read that? Yes. Pierre by musi, Pierre by muzzle. If not by musket, then by muzzle. Yes. That's right up there, Claire, with les tatsimois, the deluge, j'accuse. This is not a pipe. Yeah. So, the women were lonely, and they had lost husbands, they had lost sons. So, we had a very female-based population. And so, they turned to bears.

So, it was a conscious choice on the part of the female population to bring the bears into power. Bring to bear, they called it. Right to bear, arms. Women had the right to bear arms, and they used them to snuggle, to stay warm, to- Nothing like a bear hug. There is nothing, as my face will attest. Oh, yes. Oh, and I see there you've got another pillow with nothing like a bear hug. And this one's in English with a, it's a cute cursive font, folks, with an apostrophe, nothing. Yeah. You know, it's colloquial. Claire, you are really peeling back the layers of this open book on the closed book of history.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but bears are mammals, like a human. Yes. But they don't speak English, they can't read, they haven't got opposable thumbs. They don't speak English, Nano. They speak French. Claire, I feel so colloquial and small-minded right now. You know, it's okay, Nano. This part was erased from history. French is a very phlegmy language. Phlegmy, yeah, even more so than phlemish. Oh, that is the irony. That's on my pillow back here. Oh, look at that, folks. More phlegmy than phlegms, the French. But it was not hard for bears to incorporate the French language into their copious amounts of saliva that they produced.

So just sort of by snarling over a bit of salmon or a glob of honey, they might just accidentally speak French. I think that's what happened at the beginning. And the women who were also fighting for salmon and honey, because the men had all been killed by musket. Not by muzzle. So a natural set of relationships began to happen. First it was, I'll help you get the honey if you catch me a salmon. And it's, wah, wah. And for our non-French speaking podcast listeners, that, I believe, is from the Bear French Dictionary. And it's we, is that correct? Which is yes.

We. We. Yes. You're reminding me of a pet cat that I had, that I swear could speak English. It would sit at the door and ask to go outside by saying, meowt, meowt. See, yes, yes, yes. We are one step away from doolittling, the doolittling era. In fact, some would argue we're in a do nothing era right now. Hey, easy on the politics now. This is a history conversation we're having. Millennials. Oh my gosh. Oh, with the conversation of the politics, isn't that funny? So just on a day-to-day basis, Claire, what was it like for a French housewife in the Béarnais to go to a boulangerie and ask for a baguette, for example?

How would that transaction take place? Well, I don't know if you've noticed, I mean, everything affects everything, Dano, as we know. Sure, of course. What goes around comes around. Thank you. That's on a pillow back here. Oh, gosh. I just pulled it. It must be so comfortable at your house, Claire, with all those pillows. Pardon? I can't, I can't, hold on. Oh, she's muffled, folks. Sorry. There, yes. By muffle, not muzzle. So here we are. We are pre the bears moving into the palaces. We just have a lovely country economy of bears and women, families. Claire, skipping forward just a few years.

I know that the reign of the bears only lasted a short period, but you've brought forth a shocking revelation that the Louisiana purchase that we'd attribute as a transaction between Thomas Jefferson of the United States and Napoleon of France was actually transacted by these bears. So a lot of the American grizzlies that we have around us today are, in fact, the descendants of those French pioneer grizzlies. That's exactly right. You know, Louisiana was really attractive to grizzlies. There are a lot of caves. And berries, lots of berries, Claire. Lots of berries.

And you know, that's how berries got their name. From the love of bears. Yes. Is that on one of your pillows? For the love of bears. For the love of bears. It's just all the different berries that are embroidered around the sides. I can't embroider too well because I am missing on my left hand three fingers. Due to some of your research. Yeah. Some of the reenactments that I have done at the Palace of Versailles. I only do small reenactments now, of course. I have a traveling set where I reenact parts of the Palace of Versailles that was not destroyed by the bears.

I mean, a very, very acidic fecal matter that they have from all the berries. And a lot of furniture was ruined. A lot of that fine French upholstery. So that was an unfortunate side effect. But I like to show how bears sat on the throne. Now, is this a reference back to the acidic fecal matter? Yes. Or literally? Well, both. So just in wrapping up here, Claire, I was looking through a recent issue of Versailles Weekly. They covered one of your events. And it seems that you're getting a lot of humans showing up in bear costumes. Is that fitting in with the mood of what you're trying to do?

Or do you feel like that's just like the Rocky Horror Picture Show of history? I try to be flattered by that kind of involvement. But you know, it's not authentic. And there isn't any pure danger, which is part of my show. It's a pure, primal, animalistic danger. Not to say that there isn't any danger. You know, people in giant bear costumes trip, fall, hurt people. Sure. Yeah. It's not a crime. Claire, I can tell that you're a clear thinker on the history of bears and on history in general. Yeah. And let's talk politics real quick. Okay. Let's not dance too close to the edge.

But is there any room for bears in politics today? Yes or no? A bear? Yeah. Secretary of State? No. Is it possible? Absolutely not possible. They hibernate for four months out of the year. Beautiful. Claire. Yeah. Highly qualified bear. Vice President? Because they hibernate four months out of the year. Okay. Even with one heartbeat away from the presidency. That's where I'm heading with this. In America today, a bear running the nation. Well, that's just it. They don't have one heartbeat. Their hearts pound more patriotically than any damn American I've ever met. I'll tell you what.

You get a bear in the White House and we will never again. I'm sorry, folks. We had to cut her off. That's it for a strictly apolitical podcast. Claire Sarah, I'd like to thank you for being on the show today and keeping it mostly politics free. Thanks for listening, listeners, and we'll be back next week for another Expertise.