1200 Days of Headaches

It's something we take for granted today on a daily basis. We take it for granted and we take it with a glass of water. You're listening to Expertise, spelled wrong. The podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Expert comedy writer Clare Sera and expert comedy writer Danno Sullivan bring their expertise to other unrelated expertises. Our audience tonight is composed mostly of folks who have a headache and desperately need an aspirin. And Danno, that's your expertise. Spelled wrong? Naturally. We are very excited for today's podcast because Danno, you are an expert in aspirin.

Well, I'm very excited. I would only want to speak excitedly in low, quiet voices in a darkened room with a damp cloth on my forehead. But I am, under those constraints, very excited. I love aspirin. I'm flattered that you would consider me an expert. I consider myself just a fan. Now, I do remember reading one of your early thesis on the topic because aspirin was a fully natural product. It was originally made from wheat, Clare, in its earliest form, which is kind of surprising because a lot of people don't think of wheat as really being something that helps with a headache.

Some people actually might think of it as something that causes a stomachache or bloating. That is so interesting. So, say back in the day. We're talking 1200s at this point. Back 1200 days ago. You are telling me that people would go out to a field and chew on a wheat stalk? A wheat stalk, yes. We think of the convenience of aspirin coming in small tablets or capsules. But in the old days, you had to buy a sheaf of stalks. Or, if you had access, you could just go out to the field yourself, use your scythe, which was at the time called an aspirin scythe.

Very interesting because I know when my headache has been alleviated, I breathe a scythe of relief. And I wonder if that's what that comes from. Clare, the aspirin marketing industry needs people like you now. That's fantastic. But there's more to aspirin than just wheat. It's a compound. Well, that's my point exactly. Wheat on its own didn't work very well. Wait, so you're telling me that when people went out and chewed a stalk of wheat, it did not help their headache? No, no, not very much. There's something in the act of chewing that can alleviate some forms of some headaches.

So I think that's where the misimpression came from, that wheat was actually effective at all for headaches. But as you mentioned, aspirin, as we know it, is a compound. So in that 1,200 days of aspirin that we're examining here, we've gone from wheat as the only compound, to wheat as one of many compounds, to the third and best step, wheat as not part of the compound at all. So it's a three-part compound, and as we know, it's aspirin. Yes, those are the three elements. Of course, in English, some of those words have slightly naughty connotations, and everybody in the aspirin circles gets a giggling when you put ass and in together.

You make an ass of you and me. So right, of course, 1,200 days ago, words had different meanings than they do now. Words evolve over time like anything else, perhaps faster than anything else. But in this case, the words have kept pace with the changes in the aspirin itself. So those were originally Latin words, aspirin, and it translates roughly as yummy wheat pill. Oh, I see, I see. So at the time it was named, it was still a simple wheat remedy that did not actually remedy anything. Is vestigial the word? Yes. How do you say that? You're a wordsmith. And also, I had a vestigial twin, so I do know that that word means from the vest, living from the vest.

So you had a small twin living in a vest. How did you cure that? With aspirin. Aspirin. You don't say. It was why I was so excited to talk about this today. So we know that there are three compounds in aspirin. And we know for sure that the first one was wheat and then it wasn't any longer. So that leaves us only with the three compounds. Yes, if we have three and we subtract one, that leaves us with the three. Yes. So there's former wheat currently replaced by chalk, which is used for the actual pill itself. Now, if you buy in capsule form, the chalk is not included.

You have to buy that separately and eat it individually. A lot of folks eat chalk. Just as 1,200 days ago, they would chew on a stalk of wheat. And by chalk, we're talking about, it's a limestone. Maybe that's what you're talking about. I'm talking about those big chunks of chalkboard chalk like teachers use in second-grade classrooms. And that's in aspirin. Yes. Yes. So you may not know much about the history of aspirin manufacturing, but second-grade teachers would often take this on. Second-grade teachers hardly make any money at all. They are the neglected workers of the world.

And they would do what they had to do to make a little extra cash on the side. Some second-grade teachers would take up tutoring. Some turned to prostitution. But a lot of people took to aspirin manufacturing freelance. There weren't any factories in the early 1,200 days. Pills were made individually by hand. Each one, you could tell the mark of the individual maker and know who had been making your aspirin. In fact, two teachers, Jill Johnson and Joe Johnson, put together the famous first-aid company, Jill and Joe, that we know today. You know, Dano, certainly the Jill and Joe aspirin company, big aspirin, they're not going to want to hear what you have to say about some of the less noble uses of aspirin in the military.

This is kind of how I've built my reputation in the aspirin world, unfortunately, is as the anti-aspirin guy. For a while, I was the anti-acid guy, but they got me mixed up with the anti-anti-acid guy. And aspirin and anti-acids, of course, don't mix. Well, they do mix, but only for wild young teens home alone with no parental supervision. So, yeah, you mentioned what became a scandal in the military and their use of aspirin. They were not using it medically, Claire. They were using it physically. Just before you dive into it, I think part of, for me, what was so shocking about this is that our military is also considered peacekeeping.

Absolutely. And this particular physical use of aspirin was anything but peaceful. Unless you will set me wrong, I found it was an act of aggression. There's no doubt about it, Claire. It goes against everything that we as proud Americans and or Canadians stand for. And if I sound like I'm up on my high horse, it's because my high horse has just entered the room. And I am literally up on my high horse. Ironically. Ironically? No. Factually. But it is factually ironic because wasn't it from a high horse that these aspirin were pelted at the villagers, the locals?

Yes, that's exactly how it came to pass. In our pre-mechanized age, in the early 1200 days of aspirin, soldiers on high horses were using chemical warfare. Let's just call it what it is. Chemical warfare. And pelting these aspirin tablets from atop the horses at the so-called enemy who were no more than people with headaches. But at the time, headaches were not understood. It was seen almost as a demon possession. Burn that person. Burn the headache out of that person. Burn the person. And the effect of pelting folks with the aspirin was that it would leave a chalk mark on their forehead.

Literally mark them as a headache person. That's right, Claire. The mark of the headache marked the individuals with the headache, which ironically then later became the people that needed the aspirin, which had marked them in the first place. It was a cycle that couldn't be broken, perpetuated by the military, perpetuated by the politics of those 1200 days. And who suffered? The people. The people. The people with the headaches. And they were already suffering. Where's the fairness there? Well, happily to say, this does have a good ending because aspirin, in its legal, docile, non-hurled form, is available worldwide.

Can I just say, Claire, that on the bright side, many of the fine members of our military of today are willing to still come and throw aspirin at any person with a headache. I'm glad to be living now, Daniel, and not then. We're lucky, Claire. Those were 1200 rough days. Well, I think it's good for us to know about it. We so appreciate you sharing a painful period of history, a period of history that could use an aspirin. But instead, we are writing it in chalk on the history boards, lest we forget. The Expertise Spelldrom podcast is free and, like the Amish, all are welcome.

Be sure to sign up for our email announcements at funnypodcast.com and follow us in your favorite podcast app, like the expert podcast listener we know you are. That was a beautiful wrap-up, Claire. Could I ask you a question before we go? Yes. Claire, I don't really want to change the subject because I know that I'm here as the so-called expert in my topic, but I get the sense you're a little reluctant to talk about this vestigial sibling of yours. Would you like to share anything and just get it off your chest? You mean out of my vest? Yeah. Well, Dano, I don't talk about it a lot.

It's not out of shame. It's out of a deep, painful embarrassment. Oh, like an ingrown toenail? Yeah, yeah. I called him ingrown Tony for the three happy days that he survived. I guess I see why you wouldn't want to talk about that. Well, you know, a lot of folks are born with a vestigial twin and don't realize it. Sometimes it's a fully-formed person, as my twin was three-quarters formed, I would say, the important three-quarters. A lot of people, it's just a pocket of hair and teeth at the base of their spine. How was it shopping for Tony? Oh, Dano, that was actually a real delight.

It was actually a real delight. Was it hard to find things that fit? Well, I mean, I didn't mind tailoring. I guess you'd have to. Yeah, yeah. It's like you add an extra arm to a little jacket. You take away one of the legs of the jeans, the little baby jeans. When I say baby, I mean, he didn't even really make it that far. But he had a sparkling personality. Yeah. He'd been able to communicate. A lot of twins have kind of a secret language. What about you and Tony? Oh, yeah. Yeah. We absolutely did. It was mostly he would clank his tooth. And it was our form, kind of like a Morse code.

Okay. Help me. Help me. I can't breathe. Mostly it was help me. Help me. I can't breathe. Did you have other standalone siblings? Oh, yes. I have six. And did any of them have their own attached twins? No. My brother did live in a detached house for a while. But, yeah, you know what? I'm glad you had me bring up little Tom. What we find in the aspirin business, Claire, is that a lot of things that manifest as headaches are deep psychological problems that really should be investigated by a professional or an exorcist or, at the very least, a plastic surgeon in your case.

Right. Right. That's well put, Dano. I mean, although aspirin is a wonder drug, it is not a cure-all. And, I mean, I coded little Tony with aspirin to no avail. And he should have been sliced off pretty quickly. Thanks for having me on.