The Children Are the Future, and the Future Is Hairy

Danno, you are a world-renowned expert on beards. I've been an expert on beards as long as my beard is long. You're listening to Expertise, spelled wrong, the podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly. Expert comedy writer Clare Sera and expert comedy writer Danno Sullivan bring their expertise to other unrelated expertises. Our audience tonight is composed mostly of the facially hair suit and that's your area of Spelled wrong? Naturally. We are so happy to have as our expert guest this evening, Danno Sullivan.

And ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you, if you are hearing Danno, it's only through the grace of that microphone shoved right through that veil of hair. The beard actually serves as my own microphone pop filter. You won't hear any sibilance or pops from me because of this great grizzled chin wagger that I've got. You know, it's an interesting thing you bring up there because you are one of the first to use beards as more than a warming cover for a chin. Historically speaking, Clare, the beard has been kind of the ponytail for men until men started wearing actual ponytails.

Big mistake. Tell it to the Paul Revere girl. So you created the pony beard. We don't call it the pony beard, Clare. We do call it just a beard. My reference is to that it is like the ponytail, except on the front and on the face instead of the scalp. I'm sorry. So you would call that a beard tail. Mm hmm. And you also are the author of The Tale of the Beard. This was a children's series. This is something my wife worked on with me. She's a bearded woman, circus style. And we felt that there were a lot of hearsuit children out there who weren't finding books that featured characters that looked like them. By the way, if I sound muffled at all, I apologize because that is, of course, the monstrosity of my beard.

I cannot see where your mustache ends and your beard begins. I have not seen your mouth since this podcast began. It's a delight, Clare. I don't mean my mouth is a delight. I mean, being so fully bearded is a delight. The sideburns, the mustache, the beard itself. I didn't even mention the neck hair, which comes round from the back and gets folded in. My wife, I mentioned, is also bearded. Sometimes we're so intermingled that people think that we're just one person with one big beard. I would be afraid if you came over to my home, I would suck you up into my vacuum cleaner next to my cat's hairballs.

Yes, yes. Do not say the word Roomba around my wife. Do you have body Roombas? Yes, we had to have them specially made. My brother-in-law, that's my wife's brother, also very hirsute, works with a Japanese outfit, but we were able to get a substantial discount. We go through about one a week. You mentioned that he worked for a Japanese outfit. A Japanese outfit. It's like a cowboy outfit, you know. I did want to ask, and this is perhaps more on the historical bent than the scientific. I was reading in your historical book. Beards I Have Known, 1700 through 1920.

You claim that the term muttonchops came from beards being almost knitted on the face in a way to create pockets for muttonchops for a snack along the road. Right, yeah. Mutton jerky is what cowboys call that. Mutton jerky, yeah. It's like, remember the old ads for nut and honey, and this was mutton jerky. It started off as a cute little catchphrase between cowboys one to another, but it became the actual substance of dried mutton, which could be stored in those hair-knitted pouches that you mentioned. Yeah, there was a lot of hair on the open range. The original muttonchops were the wool of the mutton animal, which we call a, what do we call it?

A sheep? A sheep, adhered to the face of those who wish to be more hirsute than they were. So, there was a social judgment on the people whose face was bare? Oh, it was a complete vanity thing and a complete hierarchy too. Yeah, so in the old West, the hairier you were, the higher you were on that cowboy hierarchy. The hairyarchy. The hairyarchy. I know you were making a little joke, but that is what it was called. Most of them were illiterate and could barely spell or pronounce words. Ever watch an old Western? There's so much grunting and groaning. I didn't know that. I have to admit, I'm not a huge fan of Westerns, and when I watch them, it is mostly for the mutton animals.

The sheep. Sheep, we call them. I think that we still have a lot to learn, if you don't mind me saying, sociopolitically, about the bearded and non-bearded. I am so impressed that you and your wife really focus on childhood beards. We feel that the children are the future, and the future is hairy. I know that some of your scientific research was controversial, both in its approach, and also in some of the results. I'm glad you asked about my scientific experience. In the lab, I've taken a lot of guff from so-called scientists who claim that I've contaminated my experiments with beard hair. First of all, the experiments are about beard hair. How can I not have beard hair in my beard hair experiment?

Contamination my eye. It's in the name of science. We can all name some things that Einstein did that wasn't pretty, but look, now we have gravity. These are sometimes the risks that have to be taken. These are risks that have to be taken. I would like to just say two words to you and get your thoughts. Van Dyke. Ooh, there's my thoughts right there. Just ooh. There is something saucy, sumptuous, and so special about the Van Dyke. As a vastly bearded man myself, I'm the equivalent of six pirates, approximately. But there's something about the stream lines of the Van Dyke that just screams out hypnotist or psychoanalyst.

Or dick. Van Dyke. Yes. Yes, yes. I was worried you were insulting me. You know, your expertise really spans the entireness of beards from the first follicle to the whole ZZ Top of it all. Oh, we hadn't even mentioned ZZ Top. They're sort of the poster boys for beards, of course. But did you know that three of those beards are false? I did not know that. Those are over-the-ear beards that they take off at night after the concerts. How do you feel about that? It seems shady at first, but you know, they're in show business, Claire. And show business is nothing but a charade.

I know that actors will stoop to the false nose when called upon, or enlarged ears if needed. I used to know an actor on the stage who had a removable glass eye that he would replace with different glass eyes. That's a pretty poor example. But he is someone that I knew. You did know him. So that's valid. I mean, you knew him. So that's a valid reference. I am not ashamed of what ZZ Top has done for themselves. Some people might say they've done something to themselves. Do you have any other thoughts on beards in places that are not the chin? I believe that's called hair, Claire. Right?

Oh. All right. I don't think you thought that question through. The Expertise, spelled wrong, podcast is free. And, like the Amish, all are welcome. Be sure to sign up for our email announcements at funnypodcast.co. And follow us in your favorite podcast app, like the expert podcast listener we know you are. A few tips for anyone interested in getting started. A mustache is always easy. That's where I started. Yes. And you're doing admirably, if I can say. Well, thank you. Yep.